moving on from blogger.

i made a tumblr.
and my twitter is now tweeting.

http://chelseanicolecameron.tumblr.com/
username for twitter: chelserzzzz
(that's 4 z's btw:)

God is good. He's always good ♥

The Sovereignty of God

This is faith: to surrender to a being I can't feel physically, to deny my strength and place all my trust in something I can't explain. To believe in a form that is formless but still fully formed. I could never quite apply God's sovereignty to my life. I didn't understand what His supremacy meant to me, and how it effected my relationship with Him. Now, instead of trying to grasp the idea of someone ruling over me, I am learning what it means to let God be in control over every part of my life. Control- the act of being in charge of the outcome or the result of a situation no matter the circumstances. To my pride's dismay, I am beyond incapable of this power. For the longest time, it was hard for me to define “sovereignty.” Application is one the keys to my ability to learn; by the lack of my realization of God's control in my life, I felt like I could not relate to His sovereignty. I have become more aware of my effort to be in control, and less aware of God's ability to hold everything together no matter my attempt to be supreme. I end up surrendering to Him almost every time, however it takes me falling into intense anxiety to get to that point. My mind shuts down, I become unbearably overwhelmed, and I ultimately give up and fall into depression. If I see a task too unbearable, I generally surrender every ounce of perseverance inside and I forget the sovereignty of God through my circumstance. Because of this, I miss out on the peace of God. This season, I would like to practice surrender in the area of control. I must trust that HE is in control whether or not I see it that way. Though I fail at every attempt to be dominant and in control, Yahweh is sovereign; He always will be.

♥

miracles.

God has so many wonderful attributes that AMAZE me. In almost every season of life, a different aspect of God's character stands out to me- and that quality completely captivates me. Constantly, it seems that circumstances around me reflect that attribute of God and blow my mind! I remember last year, i was fascinated by the love of God FOR ME for the longest time. I was so overwhelmed by how real His love is. Another time, i became excited over the idea that we are sons and daughters of God adopted into His family as poor and orphaned slaves. Time and time again, i find the characteristics of Abba so beautiful and absolutely overwhelming. His providence, His peace, His healing nature of spiritual brokenness, His joy, His PATIENCE (patience was a hard road...), etc.



Now my fascination is in miracles.

Today specifically, I woke up dreading my day. I felt like today was going to be terrible. I had want of things i didn't need, and worried about how i was going to get the things i did need. But God provided for me- little life "truffles" that don't seem to hold much significance, but carry sweet delight. He gave me things I didn't deserve, and spoke to me through the words of other people (and my own) and His own Word. Things seemed to work out perfectly today. Even when my heart was pounding hard, and my hands were shaking, my Abba showed how much He cared for me, his daughter. After each "truffle", i thought to myself: that was a miracle.



Maybe i am strung out on the idea of miracles because I am begging that my brother Silas is ultimately spared and brought completely back to health. Even so, believing in this miracle for him has shown me how God is working miracles every moment. Today is the fourth Tuesday that Silas has spent at the children's hospital in the ICU. Every day that he fights is a miracle. Every day of the last three weeks has been A MIRACLE. even when my mind is screaming for my heart to become hardened to believing, everything else inside me says "keep the faith."



when Silas was born, i knew that my heart was taking a risk in loving him with everything. Carter had DIED, and a piece of my heart was crushed. he was my family... a piece of my family that i loved so dearly. how could i knowingly allow my heart to be crushed again. but one look into Silas' beautiful blue marbled eyes had me risking everything. i am SO proud of him, i love him so much. I love chasing him around the house, and cuddling with him, and making him smile, and trying to get him to say my name, and teaching him how to make silly noises, and sneaking him "gok gok" (chocolate)... most of all, just holding him close to me. savoring his sweetness, desperately trying to hold onto every smell and every touch in fear that i could lose him. it wasn’t healthy, me living in fear. but i feel like that was the hardest part of my grief with Carter's death- fear. i couldn't remember his touch, his smell, his smile, his laugh, his cry...so i was terrified i wouldn’t remember Silas. but every moment i spent with Silas was a joy, and it made my heart so full. i felt so light and happy being around him. Lord, please, take away my fear of losing him, and let me believe FULLY in a miracle.



i will bless God no matter what happens. whether Silas fights through this, whether the Lord welcomes him in His arms, whether He allows Silas to stay here with life-long issues. God is good, and HE IS SOVEREIGN (side note: i think God's sovereignty might be my new God-attribute to focus on ♥), He is Holy, He is unchanging. He is the God who delivered Noah and his family from destruction, the God who delivered Joseph from the evil plan of his brothers into forgiveness and prosperity, the God who delivered Daniel from being devoured by lions, the God who held true to His covenant to Adam and Eve, to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob and the rest of the house of Israel, the God who redeemed Moses from the reeds, and Israel from Egypt- to name just a few. His promises don't change. Because of His great love. I will believe, even when I am overwhelmed by the valleys... God CAN heal Silas, but He doesn’t have to. because of losing Carter i will not tell the world that i believe wholeheartedly that He will heal Si on this earth. but i DO believe He can and i will worship and praise Him whatever happens :)



AMEN

to know Him intimately

i havent forgotten about my blog, it's just my heart has been in such an interesting state that i havent been able to sort out my thoughts... if i can't figure it out in my head, how am i supposed to make it come together on a blog??

i really think it might be time to terminate this whole blog thing anyways... i think i personally am too self centered with it, and i dont want to be too personal on here.

i am in a season where i am learning to be with God and share with Him my thoughts and desires... i dont want to talk ABOUT Him the way i have and not talk WITH Him in the same manner. the Lord is one by one turning the hearts of His people back to Him... however, the enemy continues to throw darts through the doors we have open to evil, and is only more threatened as the Kingdom of God prevails. i want to be stronger, and i want to defend the name of Christ... but how is one to do this if they don't know who they are defending. This is the season i am in... to know Jesus intimately and fall more in love with Him. i will know Him in a powerful way for myself.

"wow" seems to be a word that describes my life right now. i'm officially an adult now, but i dont feel like anything has changed. the only "priviledge" i feel like taking advantage of is getting my cartilage pierced... i dont want tatoos, i dont want to smoke, i dont want to go clubbing, i dont stay out after midnight, and i don't want to buy a Magic Bullet or the Topsy Turvy Tomato Tree or try Proactive for a 90 free trial plus shipping and handling because i fit the requirement to be"18 or older to call." maybe i'll get a lottery ticket to try once just for fun. ugh my manager at Texas Steakhouse doesn't even want me to move up to a waitressing position yet.

anyway. i am at Bethel College taking Old Testament Survey, English 101, Theology, Spiritual Formation, and Freshman Seminar. it's really hard so far... i'm not used to this. and i'm not quite catching on to Theology. but i'm learning a lot that's helping me in my spiritual walk as well, not just educational.

i love it.
agh im so distracted right now... im babysitting. and my throat hurts real bad ):
blahhhhh.
k g'night ♥

A Little Longer

WOW... today's been INSANE.
-sbx run before my classes from 9 AM to 6:30!
-lots of homework and a panera break in between.
-then my baby brother's birthday party.
-then a sbx run again (Iced Venti Black and White Marble Mocha- minus one shot, plus one pump).
-then LAUNDRY.
-then my kitty went missing and i was really scared....
-then I FOUND HER! then i cuddled with her and took care of her.
-and now i'm settling down.
-only to work DOUBLES tomorrow and thursday.

wowzers!! :O

geez, this week's been insane... i've been pushing myself too much... it's too hard.
work, school, friends and boyfriend if i have time, etc. it's insane.. im too tired.
i had a breakdown the other day. it just all finally overwhelmed me too much!
but then i remembered................................. God's peace cancels out anxiety. SO, i've been trying to put that truth into practice.

First off, i need to have some of that Mary-Diligence... like in the story of Mary and Martha. It's time to sit at His feet and just listen and learn and let those other things go for a minute. It's like that song by Brian and Jenn Johnson... It's called "A Little Longer." One part of the song is like God is speaking to us and He says "You don't have to do a thing. Just simply be with me and let those things go... They can wait another minute. Wait, this moment is too sweet, would you please stay here with Me? and love on me a little longer? I'd love to be with you a little longer... cause I'm in love with you..."

I think that's beautiful. So, that's my goal. To "let those things go"... and pray for supernatural energy to get those things done when it's time to. He gets my time first though. I just need prayer and motivation for that though... It's hard when I'm in the moment and have so much to do. But i love Him too much to not try.

♥

piece of heaven.

Part of me starts to hate death and what it did to my family, but i am in LOVE with a God who's ways and thoughts are HIGHER than my own. I will never understand His ways, but i am beyond thankful that i understand His love and mercy and ultimate provision over His children. Thank You for this blue clad, marble eyed little piece of Heaven... And thank You for his older brother you blessed us with♥

august 17.

it's been three years... todays the day.
i've made it through the whole day without thinking of it much.
i think it just hit me.
i watched some old videos and looked through some pictures of him a little bit ago.
im not in virginia with my family so it's been kind of weird... mom took hailey and silas to his grave earlier. seeing the pictures makes my stomach churn.
thank you, jesus for your grace and provision over my family and our hearts.
thank you for being near to me.
i miss my baby brother... i wish i could hold him sooo bad.
seeing the pictures of the kids at his grave breaks my heart... im reminded this is REAL. he really did live, and he really did die.
oh boy... it's still hard to wrap my mind around it.
how many stages of grief are there? and when will it really end?
and when will i let myself let go of the fear of death?
i had a dream last night that i was going to have a baby... but after the delivery they told me the baby had died. i guess i was waiting to find out if the child was a boy or girl, because in the dream i asked the nurse which one it was... and they told me it was a girl.
in the dream, i wailed and cried like i have never heard myself cry before- oh, my baby girl...

=/

=/

i wont lie- im sooo nervous about school starting here soon.
and im not even going away.

on the other hand, leaving for tennesee tomorrow is exciting... however, stress about school the second i get back is nervwrecking. i hope i get everything sorted out.

thats it for today.

-chelsea

ps. 3 more days =/

amor vincit omnia.

the sun in the sky has already set, but the glow in your eyes and the light of your smile is enough to brighten even a stormy night. the distance changes nothing, though i miss you... mountains and seas could be placed between us, but the memory of your warm arms, the memory of your soft hands, the memory of your sweet embrace in the sourest of life seasons- nothing could come between my heart and it's undying and unchanging love for you. mistakes will erupt, and tension will arise... but love conquers all. i will never let go, even if the rope is thin and my hope is shaken- my heart is bent towards you, broken and whole, hurting and healed. my heart is for you. the past casts no negativity, and present passes on future hope- as we learn and understand this beauty, this gift. i will always be loyal, faithful, and trustworthy, because you are mine. and i am yours. my allegiance is dedicated to you and i would never betray you. i am so full of love for you, i want to give you everything. you are my desire, my everything. "the best thing i could give you is YOURSELF. because i want to give you the world, but to me- you are the WORLD." my passion, my everything, my love... ♥

the plans that heaven had for you...

... would long too soon unfold.


i hate talking about this. i hate that im never going to be over it or that i think about it so much.
i dont know how to stop... i hear Silas crying in the room next to me, and all i can think about is Carter. and how much i miss him. and how hurt i am that he's gone.

i hate this cycle of remembering.
i remember too much, but too little.
and it breaks me apart.
im hurt and devestated for my parents... and i pray God never allows this to happen to me as a mother someday.
im hurt for Jon, who lost his first little brother... i remember seeing him the night that carter died... recalling that memory is heavy.
im hurt for my precious Hailey bug. my innocent little princess... exposed to loss so soon.
I JUST HATE THIS!!!
and all i can wonder is WHY?!!?!?!!?!?!?!

i want to forget about this so much. but i cant pretend he was never here... his life left such an impact. and im moved by it. broken, but moved nonetheless.
i guess im just still learning how to grieve...

update.

• i work 40 hours a week.
• i changed my mind one last time and am going to Bethel College through Bethel Temple.
• i am so tired.
• i am going to TN with jake to visit a church his former worship paster is at, where they have an internship he might be interested in doing in the winter possibly.
• we're gonna hit up nashville while we're there, and that makes me super excited.
• i miss hanging out with my friends a lot, but it seems im always at work. or my free time comes last minute when i find out the day before if im working or not, and its too late.
• my car keeps breaking. the seatbelt broke and i got a friend to fix that for free after i bought the BILLION dollar part. and now my door is broken. i cant get in or out... and i was supposed to get it inspected the day that it broke. im super happy about that........................ =/
• my little brother Jon is back in town from ROTC camp and i have to sleep in my room again, which isnt fun cause the temperature is not as comfortable... and neither is my bed.
  yea, that's it for now.
• i feel so busy, but all it is- is work.
• that's it for now, not a very lengthy or interesting list. just life. and it feels good for me to have it all spelled out and out right in front of me... it helps sort it out in my head, kinda.
• good night!! ♥

the greatest gift.

it is not bound by time and space.
it is not restricted to a warm embrace or "sloppy wet kiss."
it is not defined by a deed or a donation or a day sacrificed.
it is not just a one syllable word with varied meaning.
it's all of this and more. it's too great to explain.
it's not desire, it's not temporary...
it's not possible...

without our One True Love.

i love how beautiful it is, i'll always be overwhelmed by it.
i'll never get over how incredible and perfect it is.
i'll always hold onto it.
the way He shows it, the way i receive it, the way i give it, the way He perfects it...
it's active and NOW, but it's gentle and patient.
it provokes passion, but avoids rapid anger.
it is selfless.
it is honest.
it is loyal.
it avoids despair, and offers HOPE.
it stands when all else falls.
despite surrounding weakness, it is strong.
it never fails.

i'll never stop longing for more.
more to give, more to receive, more to experience...

"love is patient and kind. love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. it does not demand it's own way. it is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. it does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance..." 1 corinthians 13 ♥

i have the flu.

im #6 out of 6 family members to get it.
and it SUCKS!!!!!
reasons why this is one of the worst things ever:
- i know im gonna feel better in the morning like everyone else has, but im still gonna have to take off work a SECOND time this week and LOSE hours... and i reallllllyyyy cant afford to do that.
- isolation. i hate when no one can be around me and i have to lay there feeling terrible and BORED and no one to talk to or hold me.
- im a people person, so i've been around a couple people the last 24 hours. and those people are now subject to getting the flu. which is terrible... i would not wish this on anyone.
- i blame hailey. she had it first.
- feeling naseous makes me want to die. i've always hated it, and this is no exception.
- im sleepy, but too uncomfortable to sleep due to this whole SICK thing.
- i will be missing a mandatory meeting at county grill tomorrow, and a night shift at texas steakhouse.
- i already called in to county grill to tell them i wouldnt be going in on MONDAY because my mom was sick and i had taken her to the ER the night before, there was no way physically i could handle that as tired as i was. and now i have to call again... they already hate that i have another job. so me skipping out of 2/3 of my shifts this week at a job i just started LOOKS BAD.
- but i think the worst thing is, i just feel terrible.... i dont like this ONE BIT.

love is the arms that are holding me.

i cant stop crying...
im so overwhelmed by mercy and love.
it's one thing to talk about it.
but to be the "target" of these is so moving.
♥
i'm at a loss for words.
i just keep thinking "thank you...."
thank You, Jesus for YOUR love and mercy.
thank You, Jesus for teaching me how to love with YOUR love which allows mercy to fall into place perfectly.
thank You, Jesus for pulling me close relentlessly no matter how much i pull away.
thank You, Jesus for letting me love on You- even though no matter what i do will ever be "good enough."
and thank You, Jesus for teaching me how to apply YOUR love to my life.
i'm so overwhelmed by Your goodness.

saying "hello" to healing

3 years ago...
i was in california visiting my grandparents...
not knowing that in a little more than a month my life was gonna change completely.
august 17th is coming around... and it will be three years since Carter died.
am i really going to go through this every summer? and every april when his birthday was?
its the month or so leading up to "the day" that get me...
and i had a good 2 months in between april 28 and now to not think about it much.
it just hit me today.
like woah.
what was i doing at this moment three years ago?
i was in california.
having the best summer of my life...
what will i have been doing three years ago in a month and a half?
saying 'goodbye'...

woah.
i just heard the phrase "saying 'hello' to healing" in my head right after i typed that.
thats so true though...
carter's death gave me a valid reason to act out in depression and brokenness and pass it off as grief.
but i finally got to express what had been hurting me inside for so long. people surrounded me and reminded me of God's love, referring to His strength through the season of losing Carter. but all of their words spoke into my past hurt. i applied their encouragement to something they couldnt even see... so now, it's almost as his death brought me life... by killing my past...
that's so like Jesus.
like, not to be morbid... but the bones of the past are still there as a reminder- it hasnt completely disappeared. but they're only bones... i have new life now.
just like carter... oh, God... and almost like Jesus... except He didnt leave any bones. He was perfect.

Oh boy. hows that for some midnight revelation?

Jesus, i miss You...

i gots two jobs now. county grill & texas steakhouse.
as much as i thought i DID NOT like texas steakhouse... its weird to know that i really have come to love it. i think i realized how good i had it there the day i turned in my application for county grill. sad face.

anyways.

i miss soccer. and exercising. i think im gonna run down to a little beach thing this morning. get some energy out. exercising is good for people who have trouble sleeping... and i've had a lot of trouble sleeping lately. so im gonna do something bouts that (:

i wish i could navigate this post into something really deep and thought provoking.
maybe some Jesus time will give me some inspiration. i miss just spending hours on end with Him...
thats what im gonna do this morning i think. just completely soak myself in His presence. at the beach. good stuff... (:

catcha later<3

when i am afraid

i forgot about this song...

when i am afraid by laura hackett

"When I am afraid I will trust in You
When I’m overcome I will cling onto
The Rock that is higher
He’s higher
The Rock that is higher

When my enemy’s too strong for me
I don’t know how to fight the fear
That comes against my heart and mind
I call upon the name of Christ
He’s higher, He’s higher, the Rock, He is higher

When my enemy's surrounded me
He comes to steal my joy, my peace,
I let go of my reasoning
And fall upon the Rock that is higher
He’s higher, the Rock, He is higher

I will not build my life
Upon the passing sands
Of how I feel inside from one moment to the next
But I will love You, Lord
My Rock, my God, my Strength
A precious cornerstone the floods of death could never shake

Oh, for there is no peace of mind
Outside of Truth in Christ
For the fear is real, and its power can kill
But the stability of our times
The stability of our times
Will be THE ROCK THAT IS HIGHER"


_____________________

i think this is my life right now.
so many different things have taken place inside my mind as i've let myself become overwhelmed with the future and college decisions.
no matter how many people reminded me of God's sovereignty, and provision, and perfect plan- i still stressed myself out.
i was either so overwhelmed that it was all i could think about, or i separated myself from the whole thing completely and did everything i could to not think or worry about it. both things went downhill... i began to lose sight of what it means to live in PEACE as a child of God and i numbed myself to the decision making process so much that i was heading towards not making any decisions.

so many people told me what they thought i should do and promised me that i wouldnt regret it... but nothing seemed right to me. i know that i wouldnt regret half of the decisions i thought about making- but, just because it's good doesnt mean it's GOD. at this point, since i don't know where i am going or what i am doing... im just going to settle for a community college here and get my core classes out of the way. i cant go wrong doing that.

at least, that's my plan for now.
everything keeps changing...
it's so frustrating.
it's frustrating trying to put it together now in my head.
aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
im working two jobs now too to save for school and insurance and such.
and i dont like my manager at one of them...
but i'll suck it up.
that's life... you can't get everything you want.
it'll all work out somehow.

anyways...
im at home right now.
kinda upset cause todays my only day off for a long time now that im starting my second job...
and i really wanted to hang out with my friends.
but it seems to me that graduation meant the end of them.
i feel like im losing a lot of people now... but thats life too. and i'll be getting more people in my life! (:

now i feel as if i am rambling.
which i am.
but i felt as if it were time to post again.
adios.


-chelsea.

ps. i got a laptop for graduation!! (:
pps. on wednesday JACOB ANDREW DRYDEN and i will have been dating for 6 MONTHS♥ he's incredible.

I am forever YOURS.

"Love came down and rescued me, Love came down and set me free... I am YOURS, I am FOREVER YOURS! Mountain high, or valley low- I sing out, remind my soul: I AM YOURS, I AM FOREVER YOURS..."
___________________

God's love is ruining me all over again... His sweet, merciful, beautiful, FREEING LOVE. I love the words of this song, no matter if i'm experiencing one of those highs on life or a "valley low"... I am ALWAYS HIS. Because HE LOVES ME.
I don't ever want to forget that.
I feel like every aspect of His love hit me all at once this weekend.
Like experiencing HIS love, allowing myself to be loved by others, learning what it is to love humbly, understanding all the amazing things that accompany love... and why I am able to love like this and receive love in this way because of HIS LOVE.
It's crazy...
And, the more i love God, He gives more of His heart to me... It's like pieces of God's character start to take root in my heart and live out in me. That patience I ask for, the mercy I love to give and receive, the humility I need, the confidence I want, the peace I desire… All of this is given to me as I start to love the way He loves.
I think that's the only way to truly love.
I've known love to sometimes actually carry weight in my heart, like to where i could actually feel my chest hurting and heavy because love was so thick inside of me... but even that was only a brink of what He was trying to show me...
Love was never a word to me- it was something i cherished and believed was deep and passionate and intense.
But experiencing all of these different aspects of love and seeing how they are all linked to one another just WRECKED me.
I know i will never LOVE anyone or anything the same way.
I dont even know how to explain it... this realization just happened slowly. He kept showing me things and giving me examples of His love and speaking to me in ways that i understand, finally something so clear that i realized what He was trying to show me all along...
it's beautiful.
so perfect.
And to know that it all goes back to Jesus...
I don't know how i couldn't be moved by this.

♥

___________________