"my daddy left"

"my daddy left"
he left for good.
why is she hurt?
she knew he would.

she had hoped for a change
that he would realize what he had
maybe a new start,
maybe things wouldnt be so bad

but this time he was gone for real
& there was no going back
she remembered seeing him kneel
& bend down to pack

he left them all
his daughters & his son
leaving his wife to bawl,
in arm, a child of one

she, almost 16 years old,
became the strength of her home
the father of the household
doing her job alone

she had moments of anguish
where life seemed unleashed
by now all hope had vanquished
& there was minimum relief

she dreaded going to sleep
for fear of the next day
her wounds were too deep
as her nightmares were there to stay

would he ever come home?
would it ever be the same?
undeserving of his title,.
"daddy" & "father" were stripped from his name.

Irony of Life

i've come to know you through your silence
our friendship has increased by your absense
the irony of life makes complete sense
as confusion attacks me relentless

i've come to hate you through your love
and i've denied the hope of life through death
through our fellowship, i have found solitude
and now i'm suffocating by your breath

i understand peace through living in pain
coldness washes over me through promised warmth
i've experienced drought despite the rain
seeking light became a dream as darkness swarmed

when will i stop falling down,
and start to stand up?
when will i retire from being a clown,
take off my mask, and be myself?

Just Take a Deep Breath

so lately i have been really overwhelmed with my crazy schedule and last night i had a little "break down". as i spewed everything out to my mom, tears just continued to flow. and to make a long story short, my mom eventually left my room for a minute and hailey came and sat in my bed with me.

she gave me a hug just as any other almost 5 year old would do.
but she didnt let go.
she just held onto me. and that just made me cry all over again. and harder than the first time. hailey rubbed my back as i sobbed into her little shoulders and held her tightly. she whispered continually: "its okay, chelsea. its okay." finally she pulled away. i expected her to go back in her bed or something, but instead, she placed her hands on my shoulders and said, "Okay, just take a deep breath. Like this [and she demonstrated how to take the deep breath]."

I know that may not seem worth a blog, but that made a difference in my attitude for the rest of the night. I am so thankful for what i have here... my sister Hailey means the world to me.

be expecting a new blog soon...

thanks for your time
-chelsea

i want you.

i see you as your scars grow deep
i watch as your pain engulfs you
as relentless dreams haunt your sleep
while you try to cover the truth

your fingers cover your grieved ears
drowning out all motivation
the thoughts of yours consumed with fear
you cry with no hesitation

the small tears turn into rivers
blood flows from your perilous knife
pain, not worth what it delivers
you wish you could come back to life.



*********************************************************

hope. cant you see My hope??
i can set you free!
i can split the chains and ropes!
i am your victory!

just take my hand!
i know its not fluent and painless...
but its better than this land.
wouldnt you like to be stainless?

i want you.
i want you to be mine.
i want you to want me.
i want you to let me shine.
i want you, child.
i want you.
what else could i say?
for nothing else this day
could ever describe
the way i want you.
just take My hand....

***************************************************

renewed. again.

ok so yall havent seen a blog from me in like a month and a half.
and that is mostly because this past month and a half has been HORRIBLE.

it consisted of me being completely depressed and hating the world.
i had no energy to do anything and i was always tired.
of course, i had my moments of bliss & false happiness.
but nothing could truly compare to the new contentment i discovered after giving my heart back to God on Thursday, April 24.
i had decided a month or so before then that i WAS NOT going to come back to God.
i was tired of FEELING LIKE HE WASNT THERE.
i had no evidence of his prescense around me.
so i gave up.
i was weak.

but then.
it seemed that everyone gave me the words i needed to hear ALL AT ONCE to convince me that i needed God.
God is not a FEELING.
whether or not i feel God should not define my relationship with him.
i jepordized my faith in him because i could not physically see him.
since God is not a feeling, my faith should be based on what i know.
and over the years what i have learned and now know of God oversteps the darkness i was living in. my hatred towards Him was not genuine because of the knowledge i have deep down that GOD LOVES ME. his love for me exceeds my pain. while i cant feel it, i KNOW it. and that it what i have to base my faith on. and that, is really hard.

faith is one of the hardest things i know.
its like stepping into thin air.
into invisible arms to catch me.

The Sun disappears at night. And we have no immediate evidence that it even exists.
we can see the sun's effect on creation. but we cannot physically see the Sun in the middle of the night. But we have hope that the Sun will rise in the morning.

The Son may appear to disappear in the darkness of doubt and hate[night]. and i may have no immediate evidence that He exists. and i can see His effect on humanity and my life. but i cannot physically see the Son. But i have hope that the Son will rise & shine- even in the midst of the mourning.


after a weekend of fasting i have learned much about being a follower of God.
for example:
before i gave my life back to God, i felt weak and depressed.
then after that i felt enriched.
but then i entered into a weekend of fasting, (40-Hour Famine) where i felt weak and depressed.
both times that i felt weak and depressed had to do with a deep hunger. the first hunger was spiritual. and i didnt always recognize that i was Spiritually hungry. but i realized how hungry i really had been after i became filled.
when i was fasting, i was physically hungry. i felt weak and tired. and i didnt always recognize that i was hungry then, either. i didnt feel hunger pains at times... but i saw the result of my hunger- a grumpy emotional mess. the same as my spiritual hunger.
but it was my spiritual enrichment from thursday that helped me stand steadfast during my physical hunger.



and now that i have experienced spiritual hunger & physical hunger and ultimate enrichment- i can handle tomorrow. what was supposed to be Carter's Second Birthday.
the day will be hard... for me & the whole family.
but we can do it.

keep us in your prayers, please.
they are needed and well noticed :D