I'll Never Get There

this is really old just so you know... but i liked it enough to post it.

i'll never get there

the point of peace,
where chaos is at ease,
the happy space,
where joy is in its place,
is imaginary
somewhere i'll never be


i want to take a breath
of feeling alive
i want to conquer death
i want to survive
but i'll never get there


i'll never get where
i can see a change
i'll never get where
my life is rearranged
i'll never get where
i can see your plan
and take your hand
i really want to
but i cant
i'll never get there
no, i'll never get there


the clearness of the sky
makes me wonder why
my life is so cloudy
how deep will i go?
how deep?


i just want to take a breath
of feeling alive
i want to conquer death
i want to survive
but i'll never get there


i'll never get where
i can see a change
i'll never get where
my life is rearranged
i'll never get where
i can see your plan
and take your hand
i really want to
but i cant
i'll never get there
no, i'll never get there


i need something!
to tell me
to tell me a way
that i can feel okay


i'll never get where
i can see a change
i'll never get where
my life is rearranged
i'll never get where
i can see your plan
and take your hand
i really want to
but i cant
i'll never get there
no, i'll never get there

let the rain wash away

you paint on a face
a mask, a lie
you're running a race
of a fake life

you think they cant see
you're hurting inside
cant be free
but you cant hide

they do it too
the mask everyday
isnt waterproof
your tears wash it away

but the storms are coming
and everyone will see
that you've been running
from who you're meant to be

let the rain wash away
the pain you've been trying to hide
let the rain wash away
all your hurt inside
let the rain wash away
your painted lie
let the rain wash away
your fake life

you wish you could take
a genuine breath
cause you were a fake
to the point of a living death

numbness was your stance
no motivation
never a chance
you live on hesitations


but the storms are coming
and everyone will see
that you've been running
from who you're meant to be

let the rain wash away
the pain you've been trying to hide
let the rain wash away
all your hurt inside
let the rain wash away
your painted lie
let the rain wash away
your fake life


you want to change
but the mask is glued on
hiding the pain
you cant go on

let the rain wash away
the pain you've been trying to hide
let the rain wash away
all your hurt inside
let the rain wash away
your painted lie
let the rain wash away
your fake life

"my daddy left"

"my daddy left"
he left for good.
why is she hurt?
she knew he would.

she had hoped for a change
that he would realize what he had
maybe a new start,
maybe things wouldnt be so bad

but this time he was gone for real
& there was no going back
she remembered seeing him kneel
& bend down to pack

he left them all
his daughters & his son
leaving his wife to bawl,
in arm, a child of one

she, almost 16 years old,
became the strength of her home
the father of the household
doing her job alone

she had moments of anguish
where life seemed unleashed
by now all hope had vanquished
& there was minimum relief

she dreaded going to sleep
for fear of the next day
her wounds were too deep
as her nightmares were there to stay

would he ever come home?
would it ever be the same?
undeserving of his title,.
"daddy" & "father" were stripped from his name.

Irony of Life

i've come to know you through your silence
our friendship has increased by your absense
the irony of life makes complete sense
as confusion attacks me relentless

i've come to hate you through your love
and i've denied the hope of life through death
through our fellowship, i have found solitude
and now i'm suffocating by your breath

i understand peace through living in pain
coldness washes over me through promised warmth
i've experienced drought despite the rain
seeking light became a dream as darkness swarmed

when will i stop falling down,
and start to stand up?
when will i retire from being a clown,
take off my mask, and be myself?

Just Take a Deep Breath

so lately i have been really overwhelmed with my crazy schedule and last night i had a little "break down". as i spewed everything out to my mom, tears just continued to flow. and to make a long story short, my mom eventually left my room for a minute and hailey came and sat in my bed with me.

she gave me a hug just as any other almost 5 year old would do.
but she didnt let go.
she just held onto me. and that just made me cry all over again. and harder than the first time. hailey rubbed my back as i sobbed into her little shoulders and held her tightly. she whispered continually: "its okay, chelsea. its okay." finally she pulled away. i expected her to go back in her bed or something, but instead, she placed her hands on my shoulders and said, "Okay, just take a deep breath. Like this [and she demonstrated how to take the deep breath]."

I know that may not seem worth a blog, but that made a difference in my attitude for the rest of the night. I am so thankful for what i have here... my sister Hailey means the world to me.

be expecting a new blog soon...

thanks for your time
-chelsea