i started work at texas steakhouse as a hostess.
and i really like it there.
and im really happy im un-grounded.
and i started soccer too.
and i love it...
however, i re-injured my ankle our first game on thursday.
and i couldnt walk very well and it hurt INSANELY the first day.
but today it feels a lot better.
hopefully i can play on monday.... and tuesday (:
so yea...
life seems so be in the upswing at the moment.
i like the upswings (:
it's springtime too, and its been very beautiful today... warm with a little bit of rain (:
spring is my favorite. i love the smell...
anywho.
just wanted to throw this blog in here before i get blog lazy again and dont post for a couple more months...
(:
though. im seriously not liking this pointless post. i really hate pointless annoying posts.
o well.
-chels
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
he would have been four...
for me, it's never been christmastime or the day of his birthday that got to me...
it's the random times in between that eat at me.
april 28 would have been the day he turned four.
he would be running around causing problems in the house... talking his head off.
he would be rough housing with jon and irritating hailey.
he would be saying my name.... trying to show me the newest and most exciting things he had learned about his little life.
he would be taking risks like jumping off the stairs and sprinting through the kitchen in socks to see how far he could slide....
he would.....
he would run into my arms and give me kisses...
he would be my little bear, my little prince.
im surprised at myself for how often i have been remembering him this year. i know healing is a long process, but this doesnt seem like something i should have to heal from. what happened to him happens everyday... and in circumstances so much worse than what he experienced. this stuff happens... it's all apart of God's purpose. and im okay with not knowing why He let this happen. but sometimes, i just simply miss him. i miss what i never really got to know. i never knew him. and thats whats killing me... i wish i had loved him more. i wish that i spent a couple more hours trying to get him to say my name just so that the way it sounded would still ring in my ear after he had long gone...
but i didnt...
in a situation like this, it's easy to feel that his death was a form of failure for me and my family. but i know it wasnt... we didnt fail. God didnt fail.
His purpose remains... His faithfulness remains. i just have to keep telling myself that.
what drives me crazy the most is that my "new" baby brother is here now... 6 months old. this "new" one wouldnt be here if the "old" one had lived.
i've never felt like loving anyone or anything was a challenge for me... i just love to love. but loving Silas hurts... im mad that he's here because i miss Carter so much. but i love him so much for his strength through all the complications surounding his birth. it reminds me of Carter's strength... i love him because he's my brother....
it's hard to play those "what if" games when it involves someone else's life... what if Carter had lived? Silas wouldnt be here. plain and simple.
but confusing still.
it hurts so much.
i wish i could just bring it up in conversation and talk about it with people... but it's such a hard topic to discuss. for me and whoever im talking with... unless they've experienced a death so close like this...
agh thinking about people who know how i feel hurts too...
im sad for them.
it makes me mad that they are hurting just like i am, but no one knows how to bring it up and talk about it. sometimes just telling yourself you're not alone isnt enough... i like it when someone who "gets me" randomly encourages me. i wish i knew more people that "get me" though... so i could encourage them too, and we could fight through this together...
anywho.
i feel like im complaining a lot...
and i sound really unthankful.
which im SO NOT.
oh geez, i have so much to be thankful for... so many people to be thankful for.
it's overwhelming thinking about how many people love and care and have been here to hold my family through everything we've gone through together.
we really are blessed...
God has been so faithful though all of this.
BUT I STILL REALLY MISS CARTER BEAR................. a lot ):
aghhh i just wanna hold him close again, blow little raspberries on his tummy, and attack his adorable face with millions of kisses.
do four year olds still like kisses and raspberries anyways?
okay, i'll stop here.
pray for me.... and i dont mean like "oh haha pray for me- im just saying that, i dont really mean it...." i mean really. this is a hard season. and i so long to feel peace about this all again.
-chelsea
carter harrison lane cameron.... april 28, 2006-august 17, 2007
it's the random times in between that eat at me.
april 28 would have been the day he turned four.
he would be running around causing problems in the house... talking his head off.
he would be rough housing with jon and irritating hailey.
he would be saying my name.... trying to show me the newest and most exciting things he had learned about his little life.
he would be taking risks like jumping off the stairs and sprinting through the kitchen in socks to see how far he could slide....
he would.....
he would run into my arms and give me kisses...
he would be my little bear, my little prince.
im surprised at myself for how often i have been remembering him this year. i know healing is a long process, but this doesnt seem like something i should have to heal from. what happened to him happens everyday... and in circumstances so much worse than what he experienced. this stuff happens... it's all apart of God's purpose. and im okay with not knowing why He let this happen. but sometimes, i just simply miss him. i miss what i never really got to know. i never knew him. and thats whats killing me... i wish i had loved him more. i wish that i spent a couple more hours trying to get him to say my name just so that the way it sounded would still ring in my ear after he had long gone...
but i didnt...
in a situation like this, it's easy to feel that his death was a form of failure for me and my family. but i know it wasnt... we didnt fail. God didnt fail.
His purpose remains... His faithfulness remains. i just have to keep telling myself that.
what drives me crazy the most is that my "new" baby brother is here now... 6 months old. this "new" one wouldnt be here if the "old" one had lived.
i've never felt like loving anyone or anything was a challenge for me... i just love to love. but loving Silas hurts... im mad that he's here because i miss Carter so much. but i love him so much for his strength through all the complications surounding his birth. it reminds me of Carter's strength... i love him because he's my brother....
it's hard to play those "what if" games when it involves someone else's life... what if Carter had lived? Silas wouldnt be here. plain and simple.
but confusing still.
it hurts so much.
i wish i could just bring it up in conversation and talk about it with people... but it's such a hard topic to discuss. for me and whoever im talking with... unless they've experienced a death so close like this...
agh thinking about people who know how i feel hurts too...
im sad for them.
it makes me mad that they are hurting just like i am, but no one knows how to bring it up and talk about it. sometimes just telling yourself you're not alone isnt enough... i like it when someone who "gets me" randomly encourages me. i wish i knew more people that "get me" though... so i could encourage them too, and we could fight through this together...
anywho.
i feel like im complaining a lot...
and i sound really unthankful.
which im SO NOT.
oh geez, i have so much to be thankful for... so many people to be thankful for.
it's overwhelming thinking about how many people love and care and have been here to hold my family through everything we've gone through together.
we really are blessed...
God has been so faithful though all of this.
BUT I STILL REALLY MISS CARTER BEAR................. a lot ):
aghhh i just wanna hold him close again, blow little raspberries on his tummy, and attack his adorable face with millions of kisses.
do four year olds still like kisses and raspberries anyways?
okay, i'll stop here.
pray for me.... and i dont mean like "oh haha pray for me- im just saying that, i dont really mean it...." i mean really. this is a hard season. and i so long to feel peace about this all again.
-chelsea
carter harrison lane cameron.... april 28, 2006-august 17, 2007
Monday, March 1, 2010
what a caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly ♥
hey God...
it's pretty cool that You want me.
and love me.
and it's even cooler that You know im not good enough, but You still treat me like i am.
thanks for telling me that in the car today.
and thanks for holding off all that traffic on oyster point today until after i passed through.
i really appreciate that.
and thanks for the job.
You are the greatest... like for real.
You're so great, i wanted to make a blog for You so everyone else can be reminded of how great You are. cause You deserve it.
thanks for being in control of everything.
thanks for holding me through everything thats gone on the past 17.5 years.
and thank you for letting me go through it all. it's taken a lot to get to that point to thank you for all of that.
but i see Your point now.
a caterpillar doesn't become a butterfly in a day...
neither does a flower bloom from its seed in an instant...
it's all a process.
and im so thankful for the situations You allowed to take place in my life.
i really am grateful.
and im okay with not knowing completely why You did some things...
(not that You need me to be okay with them:)
im sure there will be more challenges soon.
but it's that struggle of the butterfly fighting its way out of the cocoon that makes its wings strong...
so take me through this metamorphosis.
how could i have asked You to mold me and expect You to just snap Your fingers and have it done?
You gave me opportunities to be molded... and i see it now.
good idea.
You're alright i guess.... :P
help me to be thankful in every circumstance... even as the circumstance is happening.
and help me to remember that i am worthy of receiving Your love... and loving You in return. i am good enough. i am good enough. i am good enough. You call me Your own. and You would never settle for less than pure and lovely. i am pure and lovely. because You say i am. i think i got it...
thanks for that.
anywho.
i love You... thanks for amazing me.
-Your Beloved
it's pretty cool that You want me.
and love me.
and it's even cooler that You know im not good enough, but You still treat me like i am.
thanks for telling me that in the car today.
and thanks for holding off all that traffic on oyster point today until after i passed through.
i really appreciate that.
and thanks for the job.
You are the greatest... like for real.
You're so great, i wanted to make a blog for You so everyone else can be reminded of how great You are. cause You deserve it.
thanks for being in control of everything.
thanks for holding me through everything thats gone on the past 17.5 years.
and thank you for letting me go through it all. it's taken a lot to get to that point to thank you for all of that.
but i see Your point now.
a caterpillar doesn't become a butterfly in a day...
neither does a flower bloom from its seed in an instant...
it's all a process.
and im so thankful for the situations You allowed to take place in my life.
i really am grateful.
and im okay with not knowing completely why You did some things...
(not that You need me to be okay with them:)
im sure there will be more challenges soon.
but it's that struggle of the butterfly fighting its way out of the cocoon that makes its wings strong...
so take me through this metamorphosis.
how could i have asked You to mold me and expect You to just snap Your fingers and have it done?
You gave me opportunities to be molded... and i see it now.
good idea.
You're alright i guess.... :P
help me to be thankful in every circumstance... even as the circumstance is happening.
and help me to remember that i am worthy of receiving Your love... and loving You in return. i am good enough. i am good enough. i am good enough. You call me Your own. and You would never settle for less than pure and lovely. i am pure and lovely. because You say i am. i think i got it...
thanks for that.
anywho.
i love You... thanks for amazing me.
-Your Beloved
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
faith. faith. faith.
im still on restriction. and will be until the very second i start working at the job that i have to get. im really hoping for Outback. gotta go talk to them AGAIN tomorrow.... (: they seem hopeful. but im not getting my hopes up too much.
anywho.
geez, 2010 has been CRAZY so far. i have never had such a wide array of emotions. like i'm in the most amazing relationship and am incredibly happy and content. everythings perfect (: but the past two weeks i guess, have been INSANELY difficult. i've never WANTED to give up as much as i have wanted to the past couple of days.
then i kind of got this huge check inside my heart and God just blew me away... it was one of those instant "oh my gosh" moments. so now i'm just working on reminding myself of who i am IN CHRIST and walking in freedom. it takes a whole bunch of faith to do that, though. and that's what He's been reiterating to me. FAITH FAITH FAITH. i definitely have NOT been applying it. i realized that i never looked at faith as something that i had to have personally. but something that Christians just needed and naturally had as it's apart of being a Christian. it didn't quite click with me ever that FAITH was something that was necessary for me to APPLY to my own life. i just never thought about it... so applying this whole "faith business" to all the crappy stuff going on in life right now, really sheds a beautiful light on my future. and even the present. i still HATE what im going through, but i realize that my own lack of faith has driven me to this point. so by rebuilding this and several other beautiful gifts that God has given (hope, love, submission, perseverance, etc), i feel like i can conquer this battle. knowing that when i am afraid, i can trust in a Man that will never break my heart, never leave me. i love it... i know He has purpose for my life. i know that He loves me. i know that i can expect GOOD things to come because of the HOPE given to all Christians. it's beautiful...
anyways. it's easier to "know" all of this.... i wish i could feel it. i know God is not a feeling and that's the whole point of faith. but it makes it so stinkin hard! i can only imagine the future glory of this all... having not just pushed through battles barely making it, but fighting with a supernatural strength with weapons incomparable to those of the world... all i can think about is how amazing that will be. how far that will take me spiritually....
mmm i want to be so close to God's heart. just to be in His presence is simply overwhelming... but to be so close to Him--- i cant imagine what that must feel like. i know that when im singing in worship i taste a bit of this "closeness"... haha we're flippin JOINING WITH THE ANGELS who are singing praises to Jesus right now in Heaven when we sing in worship and praise to Him. geez.... just thinking about what it is to sing with the angels.... it's intense. God is intense... there's nothing plain and simple about Him. He's so outrageous. and beautiful... i just can't wrap my mind around it!! haha, i could go on forever about this. i feel like just proclaiming all of this right now is taking me somewhere on this journey that adds to beauty of the whole thing.
i guess i'll stop now... i wonder if God's laughing at me right now. i wonder if He thinks im silly... (: haha. oh to know the mind of God... haha. [[wouldnt that be crazy!? i dont think i necessarily want to know His mind... i couldnt handle it!!]]
anywho. im babysitting. and im hearing things upstairs that im not supposed to be hearing...
i should probably go pay a bit of mind to the children (:
-chelsea
ps. theres the guys named Tim and Josh who are apart of this AMAZING band called
M.Fillmore!! anddddd they just got a new album out and Josh was asking me to help spread the word. so be sure to check out "Relentless" on Facebook/Myspace (:
http://www.facebook.com/mfillmoreband
http://www.myspace.com/mfillmoreband
Friday, February 12, 2010
"restriction"...
im on restriction. an hour a day to talk on the phone, text, watch tv, OR use the internet. of course im going to talk on the phone... today doesnt count because the person i would be talking to on the phone may or may not be working. so im using internet time.
so i owe all of this to my grades... there are a lot more consequences i wont mention, but having this hour is definitely grace. im getting a job soon too... i just dont know where. im open to suggestions. im not gonna ask for you to give me suggestions, because you probably wont. and i actually dont really think anybody but Jacob Ray and Jake Holland read my blogs- and i dont think they read everything anyways haha. who would though? (btw, can you tag people in blogs?) but back to the point. i need a job!
okay change of subject. haha.
i got on facebook today after not being on since like sunday or monday. and i had 44 notifications. which isnt actually that many. i havent been posting statuses or wallposts for people to comment back on to give me notifications... so i guess they kinda die out as time passes. needless to say, i get all my stuff sent to my phone anyways. so i kinda saw most of the notifications anyways. but since i couldnt text... i had a lot of "liking" and "become a fan"ing to do! (:
okay. peace. who knows when i'll be back....
ugh this is crazy!
so i owe all of this to my grades... there are a lot more consequences i wont mention, but having this hour is definitely grace. im getting a job soon too... i just dont know where. im open to suggestions. im not gonna ask for you to give me suggestions, because you probably wont. and i actually dont really think anybody but Jacob Ray and Jake Holland read my blogs- and i dont think they read everything anyways haha. who would though? (btw, can you tag people in blogs?) but back to the point. i need a job!
okay change of subject. haha.
i got on facebook today after not being on since like sunday or monday. and i had 44 notifications. which isnt actually that many. i havent been posting statuses or wallposts for people to comment back on to give me notifications... so i guess they kinda die out as time passes. needless to say, i get all my stuff sent to my phone anyways. so i kinda saw most of the notifications anyways. but since i couldnt text... i had a lot of "liking" and "become a fan"ing to do! (:
okay. peace. who knows when i'll be back....
ugh this is crazy!
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