faith. faith. faith.

im still on restriction. and will be until the very second i start working at the job that i have to get. im really hoping for Outback. gotta go talk to them AGAIN tomorrow.... (: they seem hopeful. but im not getting my hopes up too much.

anywho.

geez, 2010 has been CRAZY so far. i have never had such a wide array of emotions. like i'm in the most amazing relationship and am incredibly happy and content. everythings perfect (: but the past two weeks i guess, have been INSANELY difficult. i've never WANTED to give up as much as i have wanted to the past couple of days.

then i kind of got this huge check inside my heart and God just blew me away... it was one of those instant "oh my gosh" moments. so now i'm just working on reminding myself of who i am IN CHRIST and walking in freedom. it takes a whole bunch of faith to do that, though. and that's what He's been reiterating to me. FAITH FAITH FAITH. i definitely have NOT been applying it. i realized that i never looked at faith as something that i had to have personally. but something that Christians just needed and naturally had as it's apart of being a Christian. it didn't quite click with me ever that FAITH was something that was necessary for me to APPLY to my own life. i just never thought about it... so applying this whole "faith business" to all the crappy stuff going on in life right now, really sheds a beautiful light on my future. and even the present. i still HATE what im going through, but i realize that my own lack of faith has driven me to this point. so by rebuilding this and several other beautiful gifts that God has given (hope, love, submission, perseverance, etc), i feel like i can conquer this battle. knowing that when i am afraid, i can trust in a Man that will never break my heart, never leave me. i love it... i know He has purpose for my life. i know that He loves me. i know that i can expect GOOD things to come because of the HOPE given to all Christians. it's beautiful...

anyways. it's easier to "know" all of this.... i wish i could feel it. i know God is not a feeling and that's the whole point of faith. but it makes it so stinkin hard! i can only imagine the future glory of this all... having not just pushed through battles barely making it, but fighting with a supernatural strength with weapons incomparable to those of the world... all i can think about is how amazing that will be. how far that will take me spiritually....

mmm i want to be so close to God's heart. just to be in His presence is simply overwhelming... but to be so close to Him--- i cant imagine what that must feel like. i know that when im singing in worship i taste a bit of this "closeness"... haha we're flippin JOINING WITH THE ANGELS who are singing praises to Jesus right now in Heaven when we sing in worship and praise to Him. geez.... just thinking about what it is to sing with the angels.... it's intense. God is intense... there's nothing plain and simple about Him. He's so outrageous. and beautiful... i just can't wrap my mind around it!! haha, i could go on forever about this. i feel like just proclaiming all of this right now is taking me somewhere on this journey that adds to beauty of the whole thing.

i guess i'll stop now... i wonder if God's laughing at me right now. i wonder if He thinks im silly... (: haha. oh to know the mind of God... haha. [[wouldnt that be crazy!? i dont think i necessarily want to know His mind... i couldnt handle it!!]]

anywho. im babysitting. and im hearing things upstairs that im not supposed to be hearing...

i should probably go pay a bit of mind to the children (:

-chelsea

ps. theres the guys named Tim and Josh who are apart of this AMAZING band called

M.Fillmore!! anddddd they just got a new album out and Josh was asking me to help spread the word. so be sure to check out "Relentless" on Facebook/Myspace (:

http://www.facebook.com/mfillmoreband

http://www.myspace.com/mfillmoreband

"restriction"...

im on restriction. an hour a day to talk on the phone, text, watch tv, OR use the internet. of course im going to talk on the phone... today doesnt count because the person i would be talking to on the phone may or may not be working. so im using internet time.

so i owe all of this to my grades... there are a lot more consequences i wont mention, but having this hour is definitely grace. im getting a job soon too... i just dont know where. im open to suggestions. im not gonna ask for you to give me suggestions, because you probably wont. and i actually dont really think anybody but Jacob Ray and Jake Holland read my blogs- and i dont think they read everything anyways haha. who would though? (btw, can you tag people in blogs?) but back to the point. i need a job!

okay change of subject. haha.
i got on facebook today after not being on since like sunday or monday. and i had 44 notifications. which isnt actually that many. i havent been posting statuses or wallposts for people to comment back on to give me notifications... so i guess they kinda die out as time passes. needless to say, i get all my stuff sent to my phone anyways. so i kinda saw most of the notifications anyways. but since i couldnt text... i had a lot of "liking" and "become a fan"ing to do! (:

okay. peace. who knows when i'll be back....

ugh this is crazy!

oh geez...

carter harrison lane cameron.

april 28, 2006- august 17, 2007

sometimes. i just miss my baby brother.... a lot.

there are some days, some weeks at times, where it just hurts so much.

i cant even move past the thought of "oh my gosh, he's gone..."

it's really insane.

every day on the way to school, i drive past the cemetery where he was buried. and every single time i think about it. some days i just notice the grave for a second. and then other days i just want to turn around and go sit next to where we buried him. but i dont... i havent been in a year. and when i went last time, i told myself i would never ever go back there again.

but driving past and thinking about it is killing me. i might just go anyways and see what happens. maybe just sit down on the ground and journal some or whatever. i dont know...

okay. and this is random. but.... im getting really frustrated right now.

i keep getting texts or annoying facebook chats from people when im trying to blog... i can fix the facebook thing, but im babysitting and cant really just turn the phone off. and i dont have service either. so i have to go stand in a weird spot in order to respond and just wait for it to go through. and then by the time i sit back down at the computer and get focused i hear it vibrate across the room... im just not gonna respond anymore. uggghhh... so anyways.

back to the point of this.

ughhh i dont even know! im just so confused and annoyed and blah!

i want my baby brother back BIG TIME. but at the same time, my life would be so different if he were here. it's driving me crazy. i dont desire to know the purpose or the "why?!" of his death or the circumstances surrounding it, but i do desire to know when the pain and the "woah-ness" and the tight feeling inside of my chest is going to go away. im sitting here trying to wrap my mind around the fact that CARTER IS GONE. FOREVER. and it's driving me crazy.

God is a good God and i am NOT angry at Him for this. just like the season of winter, that hard season of my life does not exist just so that i can look forward to "spring"... there is a reason i was brought into this place. that my family was brought here... all i know now is that if i didnt know what it was to be held by so many loved ones both literally and figuratively, i definitely know now. being wrapped in the arms of not only my wonderful friends and family, but my Jesus has been my ROCK in this storm. i can't give up and let myself fall just because my mind cannot comprehend the ways of God... i just can't.

this is pain.

this is stress.

this is confusing.

this is at times, agony.

but this is healing.

and that applies to more than the topic of this post.

you can't just cover up a wound with a band-aid and expect it to heal immediately.

it takes TIME. and it takes WORK.

healing STINGS. it BURNS. it SCARS.

but i refuse to become infected...

i am healed by His stripes.

and i know that His thoughts are not my thoughts, nor are His ways my ways.

i dont know why He's letting this happen... but it's going to be good.

its going to be really good....

-chelsea

Praise You in the Storm

i heard this in the car, and did everything i could not to cry in front of my little sister and brother. it was intense... these lyrics... are like. WOAH.
i really have no words to explain how overwhelming this song is right now... oh, thank Jesus for the HOPE He's given. i love it.
i will wait expectantly for another rainbow at the end of this storm (:
God, please take away everything that HINDERS LOVE. that HINDERS HOPE. keep showing me WHO YOU ARE...
regardless, i'll keep praising You!!

"I was sure by now
God you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you” [[this part made my heart freak out...]]
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth"

tell me this isn't intense...
-chelsea

i might be a little bit hungry. or a lot, actually.

cfa=♥

im babysitting right now. it's 8:31 PM.
and im probably not leaving till around 10ish. maybe 10:30.

and cfa closes at 10 PM.
*sad face*

i guess i'll have to wait till tomorrow?

that doesn't solve my current hunger problem, however.

can i wait two hours?

we shall see...

-chelsea

the enchilada of my mind.

"A true friend is one who thinks you are a good egg even if you are half-cracked." -Author Unknown.
____________________________________

this is the girl i was trapped with all weekend because of the snow storm.
her name is Megan Brown and she is my best friend.
and i love her so much.
____________________________________

i really want to blog. but i'm not really sure what to say. the past several days have been very busy... every time i sat down to blog and knew what i was going to say, i would be interrupted by some sort of call: by phone, by chores, by Megan Louise Brown, by snow, by exhaustion, etc. it's okay though... i love being busy. and i hate being bored more than anything.

anywho.

we've been learning about figurative language in my English class at school. there are three types:

1. metaphor- an implied comparison
   
2. simile- a comparison using "like" or "as"
   
3. personification- giving human characteristics inhuman objects or ideas

and then there's the analogy.
the analogy is an extended comparison with at least three points of similarity between two objects.

all of that to say, i have come up with an analogy of my mind that is being compared to....

an enchilada.

[[a chicken enchilada actually. because chicken is my favorite meat. though, ground beef will do, too. but chicken is the best... especially from chick fil a. but that's beside the point...]]

my three points of similarity:

1. Just as an enchilada is filled with many different elements, so my mind is filled to capacity with a "cornucopia" of thoughts. (i have always wanted to use that word in a blog...)
2. An enchilada is never just good by itself... to me at least. It needs sour cream on the top. and maybe some chopped onions. In the same way, my brain.... actually, i cant think of how to compare the necessity of sour cream and onions on an enchilada to my mind. so... skip that one.
3. I cant think of a third point of similarity... fail.

Okay so, my analogy severely lacks all points of similarity. But i think it's still a good comparison. The intent of that was just a creative way of sharing that...

... there is SO much on my mind!!

see, normal people just tell you that. but. i didnt want to be just a normal person.

anywho. it's true though, i've got my future school decisions bugging me. actually i've got my future bugging me period. i have to get a job that fits around my soccer schedule... which is kind of hard. cause i have practice every day except wednesdays and weekends. and i dont really want to just work on wednesdays and weekends. and i feel like chick fil a would be the best bet for working a schedule like that. except that i couldnt work on sunday. and i dont even want to work at cfa. idk, though. it's not like i dont go there every day anyways... ugh.

annoying decisions.

i'm also thinking about people i miss a lot.
(*cough* Michelle Malpaya & Joni Duerme....)
sometimes i wish that God wouldnt place amazing people in my life. cause it's so easy to love amazing people. and then the amazing people have to go on with their lives: go back to school, move to other states, or other countries. i wouldn't have a problem with this if keeping in touch was easier. even with facebook, it's not easy.

but yeah.
there's another 4,566,348,340 miles of thoughts stretching around my mind, but i wont get into that now i guess.
especially cause i have to get off now.
my momma has to do bills on the computer.

so. there goes another pointless blog...
i guess one cant completely avoid them.
i dont really have many deep thoughts running about as of this moment to put together an intense thought provoking blog.


-chelsea