oh geez...

carter harrison lane cameron.

april 28, 2006- august 17, 2007

sometimes. i just miss my baby brother.... a lot.

there are some days, some weeks at times, where it just hurts so much.

i cant even move past the thought of "oh my gosh, he's gone..."

it's really insane.

every day on the way to school, i drive past the cemetery where he was buried. and every single time i think about it. some days i just notice the grave for a second. and then other days i just want to turn around and go sit next to where we buried him. but i dont... i havent been in a year. and when i went last time, i told myself i would never ever go back there again.

but driving past and thinking about it is killing me. i might just go anyways and see what happens. maybe just sit down on the ground and journal some or whatever. i dont know...

okay. and this is random. but.... im getting really frustrated right now.

i keep getting texts or annoying facebook chats from people when im trying to blog... i can fix the facebook thing, but im babysitting and cant really just turn the phone off. and i dont have service either. so i have to go stand in a weird spot in order to respond and just wait for it to go through. and then by the time i sit back down at the computer and get focused i hear it vibrate across the room... im just not gonna respond anymore. uggghhh... so anyways.

back to the point of this.

ughhh i dont even know! im just so confused and annoyed and blah!

i want my baby brother back BIG TIME. but at the same time, my life would be so different if he were here. it's driving me crazy. i dont desire to know the purpose or the "why?!" of his death or the circumstances surrounding it, but i do desire to know when the pain and the "woah-ness" and the tight feeling inside of my chest is going to go away. im sitting here trying to wrap my mind around the fact that CARTER IS GONE. FOREVER. and it's driving me crazy.

God is a good God and i am NOT angry at Him for this. just like the season of winter, that hard season of my life does not exist just so that i can look forward to "spring"... there is a reason i was brought into this place. that my family was brought here... all i know now is that if i didnt know what it was to be held by so many loved ones both literally and figuratively, i definitely know now. being wrapped in the arms of not only my wonderful friends and family, but my Jesus has been my ROCK in this storm. i can't give up and let myself fall just because my mind cannot comprehend the ways of God... i just can't.

this is pain.

this is stress.

this is confusing.

this is at times, agony.

but this is healing.

and that applies to more than the topic of this post.

you can't just cover up a wound with a band-aid and expect it to heal immediately.

it takes TIME. and it takes WORK.

healing STINGS. it BURNS. it SCARS.

but i refuse to become infected...

i am healed by His stripes.

and i know that His thoughts are not my thoughts, nor are His ways my ways.

i dont know why He's letting this happen... but it's going to be good.

its going to be really good....

-chelsea