renewed. again.

ok so yall havent seen a blog from me in like a month and a half.
and that is mostly because this past month and a half has been HORRIBLE.

it consisted of me being completely depressed and hating the world.
i had no energy to do anything and i was always tired.
of course, i had my moments of bliss & false happiness.
but nothing could truly compare to the new contentment i discovered after giving my heart back to God on Thursday, April 24.
i had decided a month or so before then that i WAS NOT going to come back to God.
i was tired of FEELING LIKE HE WASNT THERE.
i had no evidence of his prescense around me.
so i gave up.
i was weak.

but then.
it seemed that everyone gave me the words i needed to hear ALL AT ONCE to convince me that i needed God.
God is not a FEELING.
whether or not i feel God should not define my relationship with him.
i jepordized my faith in him because i could not physically see him.
since God is not a feeling, my faith should be based on what i know.
and over the years what i have learned and now know of God oversteps the darkness i was living in. my hatred towards Him was not genuine because of the knowledge i have deep down that GOD LOVES ME. his love for me exceeds my pain. while i cant feel it, i KNOW it. and that it what i have to base my faith on. and that, is really hard.

faith is one of the hardest things i know.
its like stepping into thin air.
into invisible arms to catch me.

The Sun disappears at night. And we have no immediate evidence that it even exists.
we can see the sun's effect on creation. but we cannot physically see the Sun in the middle of the night. But we have hope that the Sun will rise in the morning.

The Son may appear to disappear in the darkness of doubt and hate[night]. and i may have no immediate evidence that He exists. and i can see His effect on humanity and my life. but i cannot physically see the Son. But i have hope that the Son will rise & shine- even in the midst of the mourning.


after a weekend of fasting i have learned much about being a follower of God.
for example:
before i gave my life back to God, i felt weak and depressed.
then after that i felt enriched.
but then i entered into a weekend of fasting, (40-Hour Famine) where i felt weak and depressed.
both times that i felt weak and depressed had to do with a deep hunger. the first hunger was spiritual. and i didnt always recognize that i was Spiritually hungry. but i realized how hungry i really had been after i became filled.
when i was fasting, i was physically hungry. i felt weak and tired. and i didnt always recognize that i was hungry then, either. i didnt feel hunger pains at times... but i saw the result of my hunger- a grumpy emotional mess. the same as my spiritual hunger.
but it was my spiritual enrichment from thursday that helped me stand steadfast during my physical hunger.



and now that i have experienced spiritual hunger & physical hunger and ultimate enrichment- i can handle tomorrow. what was supposed to be Carter's Second Birthday.
the day will be hard... for me & the whole family.
but we can do it.

keep us in your prayers, please.
they are needed and well noticed :D