shattered, battered, and beat
my heart is at my feet
to feel broken
is the image of my soul
but His words are spoken:
"I can make you whole"
hold on to me
dont let go
this is my plea
i need to know
that you wont let go
Bruised, used, and bleeding
I need something more-
My pain is pleading
Something worth living for
I start to slip
Please hold my grip
hold on to me
dont let go
this is my plea
i need to know
that you wont let go
feeling this intense pain
my heart throbbing in spasms
slipping out of its domain
falling into a bottomless chasm
hold on to me
dont let go
this is my plea
i need to know
that you wont let go
and now
there you stand
palms facing the sky
you grab my hand
and let me cry
making your vow
that you will-
hold on to me
and not let go
you know my plea
and now i know
that you wont let go
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
At the Dinner Table---Over a Plate of Spaghetti
"Dear God,
Thank you for my food.
I love you, God.
And thank you for baby carter too.
Amen."
-From the words of Hailey, my precious 4-year old sister.
Thank you, God for her innocence...
And thank you for her memory. I pray she never forgets Carter's abbreviated life.
I thank you that she remembers the way "i share with him and hold him and tickles him and he laughs" [her own words].
I thank you that she doesnt understand the intensity of what has really happened to us. I thank you that, when she says that she wants to go play with Carter and "be died" too, she doesnt really mean it or even comprehend what that really means.
I thank you that you are holding her in your arms.
And that you are in control.
Please help me to remember that-even when i feel like im at rock bottom.
Help me to trust you.
Help me come back...
Thank you for my food.
I love you, God.
And thank you for baby carter too.
Amen."
-From the words of Hailey, my precious 4-year old sister.
Thank you, God for her innocence...
And thank you for her memory. I pray she never forgets Carter's abbreviated life.
I thank you that she remembers the way "i share with him and hold him and tickles him and he laughs" [her own words].
I thank you that she doesnt understand the intensity of what has really happened to us. I thank you that, when she says that she wants to go play with Carter and "be died" too, she doesnt really mean it or even comprehend what that really means.
I thank you that you are holding her in your arms.
And that you are in control.
Please help me to remember that-even when i feel like im at rock bottom.
Help me to trust you.
Help me come back...
Saturday, February 16, 2008
a psalm followed by a thought or two
Psalm 139--- and MY responses
1 O LORD, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
-Even my deepest pain
2 You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I'm far away.
-You know that I didn’t stand to receive my pastor’s blessing on the congregation because I thought I wasn’t worth it. You know that I feel right now even though I am far from you… I have drifted so much.
3 You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.
-You watch my steps every time I leave my house. And you watch me when I am at home. You see me lie awake at night begging for something to numb my existing pain…
4 You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, LORD.
-it hurts me to think of your thoughts when you heard my words today. And it hurts me more that I don’t trust you to help me change….
5 You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.
-But God, I know that you are in front and behind me, but where are you on my left and my right sides? And why do you say that you will place the blessings on my head? Why not in my hands directly? Are you trying to say that I need to work harder to reach something higher?
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!
-this is hard for me to admit, but I honestly don’t understand you God. I hate not knowing your will.
7 I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!
-This is kind of annoying… but I like it too. It keeps me from not only physical harm, but emotional and spiritual harm too. You keep me in line…
8 If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave,* you are there.
-you will follow me to the grave? I don’t understand…
9/10 If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.
-No matter how far away from HOME (spiritual/physical) you will guide me and keep me standing up.
11/12 I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night—but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you.
-Even though I try to hide my feelings in the dark, to you they shine brighter than day.
13/14 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
-You made me. I was not a product of man and neither shall I become a product of man and the world in which we live. I am a product of you and my present goal is to act like it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
-You watched as the most vital parts of my body were being formed from nothing…
16 You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.
-You planned every single day of my life, but that still makes me wonder… if you know whats gonna happen then why should I pray about it? You already know….
17 How precious are your thoughts about me,* O God.
They cannot be numbered!
-HAHA you think I’M precious?!
18 I can't even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
you are still with me!
-God, Day by day, night by night… I am in awe of YOUR perseverance. If I were God I would be so sick of me. My own creation disgracing my name every seconds by numerous acts of distrust and lack of faith… I would hate me if I were you.
19 O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!
Get out of my life, you murderers!
-Emotional murderers…. Those who have hurt me DON’T have the power to still control me. I refuse to let their words and actions kill my spirit.
20 They blaspheme you;
your enemies misuse your name.
-i am not sure how to respond to this… I misuse your name, God. I deserve the worst…
21/22 O LORD, shouldn't I hate those who hate you?
Shouldn't I despise those who oppose you?
Yes, I hate them with total hatred,
for your enemies are my enemies.
-I don’t know what to say to this either… I thought you said to love our enemies. Even you love them But why does this say to hate them?
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
-I don’t know if I want to be tested anymore. Cant you wait until I am strong again? Your last test is still wearing me out.
24 Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.
-I already know what you are pointing out in me that offends You.
I want to change from that. Right now its like I am trying to walk down both paths.. one to righteousness… one to destruction. But the farther I get down each the farther my feet are being torn apart-and God, I suck at the splits. Soon, im gonna fall. Push me back over to the right side….
1 O LORD, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
-Even my deepest pain
2 You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I'm far away.
-You know that I didn’t stand to receive my pastor’s blessing on the congregation because I thought I wasn’t worth it. You know that I feel right now even though I am far from you… I have drifted so much.
3 You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.
-You watch my steps every time I leave my house. And you watch me when I am at home. You see me lie awake at night begging for something to numb my existing pain…
4 You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, LORD.
-it hurts me to think of your thoughts when you heard my words today. And it hurts me more that I don’t trust you to help me change….
5 You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.
-But God, I know that you are in front and behind me, but where are you on my left and my right sides? And why do you say that you will place the blessings on my head? Why not in my hands directly? Are you trying to say that I need to work harder to reach something higher?
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!
-this is hard for me to admit, but I honestly don’t understand you God. I hate not knowing your will.
7 I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!
-This is kind of annoying… but I like it too. It keeps me from not only physical harm, but emotional and spiritual harm too. You keep me in line…
8 If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave,* you are there.
-you will follow me to the grave? I don’t understand…
9/10 If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.
-No matter how far away from HOME (spiritual/physical) you will guide me and keep me standing up.
11/12 I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night—but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you.
-Even though I try to hide my feelings in the dark, to you they shine brighter than day.
13/14 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
-You made me. I was not a product of man and neither shall I become a product of man and the world in which we live. I am a product of you and my present goal is to act like it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
-You watched as the most vital parts of my body were being formed from nothing…
16 You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.
-You planned every single day of my life, but that still makes me wonder… if you know whats gonna happen then why should I pray about it? You already know….
17 How precious are your thoughts about me,* O God.
They cannot be numbered!
-HAHA you think I’M precious?!
18 I can't even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
you are still with me!
-God, Day by day, night by night… I am in awe of YOUR perseverance. If I were God I would be so sick of me. My own creation disgracing my name every seconds by numerous acts of distrust and lack of faith… I would hate me if I were you.
19 O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!
Get out of my life, you murderers!
-Emotional murderers…. Those who have hurt me DON’T have the power to still control me. I refuse to let their words and actions kill my spirit.
20 They blaspheme you;
your enemies misuse your name.
-i am not sure how to respond to this… I misuse your name, God. I deserve the worst…
21/22 O LORD, shouldn't I hate those who hate you?
Shouldn't I despise those who oppose you?
Yes, I hate them with total hatred,
for your enemies are my enemies.
-I don’t know what to say to this either… I thought you said to love our enemies. Even you love them But why does this say to hate them?
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
-I don’t know if I want to be tested anymore. Cant you wait until I am strong again? Your last test is still wearing me out.
24 Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.
-I already know what you are pointing out in me that offends You.
I want to change from that. Right now its like I am trying to walk down both paths.. one to righteousness… one to destruction. But the farther I get down each the farther my feet are being torn apart-and God, I suck at the splits. Soon, im gonna fall. Push me back over to the right side….
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Cinderella
so last night was homecoming.and after a series of really unfortunate events the night was actually ok.
all that mattered was that i got to wear a pretty princess dress and felt like a cinderella. but you know what?
even cinderella had trials that made life pretty much suck. i mean her closest friend- her dad- died and left her with a horrible family whom she couldnt escape from. and then after she finally made a beautiful dress and felt like for once everything would be ok her step sister tore her dress apart along with her heart. then when cinderella was crying in the courtyard her fairy god mother showed up and gave light to what little hope she had left. cinderella was going to the ball. but even after she got to dance with the prince and experience true love she had to turn back into a "normal girl" again. but when the only evidence that she was the girl that the prince wanted to marry was locked away in a dark and desolate attic cinderella still clung to some sort of hope. her only friends-the mice- helped cinderella escape from her attic room and prove that she was the woman that the prince danced with.
so in her life she had a happy ending. but she sure went through alot to get there.
even though last night was difficult and there were definitely things that went wrong that i couldnt fix that could have made the night miserable but none of that matters. i am a cinderella. cause jesus calls me his daughter and he is a king. so my journey to be the perfect princess will only prove effortless because it wont be perfect until the day i stand before the king and he tells me "you have done well my good and faithful servant".
i dont know if that makes any sense but the summary of that is this: all of us who claim to be children of God are either princesses or princes. and right now it looks like we are just sweeping up the ashes from our broken hearts and wiping the sweat from our weary and stressed brows.... but someday we will sit next to our KING and claim our crown. each trial will prove worthy of our eternal reward when we get there- and WHEN we get there. (we dont see it now of course... but thats another whole topic to discuss.)
all that mattered was that i got to wear a pretty princess dress and felt like a cinderella. but you know what?
even cinderella had trials that made life pretty much suck. i mean her closest friend- her dad- died and left her with a horrible family whom she couldnt escape from. and then after she finally made a beautiful dress and felt like for once everything would be ok her step sister tore her dress apart along with her heart. then when cinderella was crying in the courtyard her fairy god mother showed up and gave light to what little hope she had left. cinderella was going to the ball. but even after she got to dance with the prince and experience true love she had to turn back into a "normal girl" again. but when the only evidence that she was the girl that the prince wanted to marry was locked away in a dark and desolate attic cinderella still clung to some sort of hope. her only friends-the mice- helped cinderella escape from her attic room and prove that she was the woman that the prince danced with.
so in her life she had a happy ending. but she sure went through alot to get there.
even though last night was difficult and there were definitely things that went wrong that i couldnt fix that could have made the night miserable but none of that matters. i am a cinderella. cause jesus calls me his daughter and he is a king. so my journey to be the perfect princess will only prove effortless because it wont be perfect until the day i stand before the king and he tells me "you have done well my good and faithful servant".
i dont know if that makes any sense but the summary of that is this: all of us who claim to be children of God are either princesses or princes. and right now it looks like we are just sweeping up the ashes from our broken hearts and wiping the sweat from our weary and stressed brows.... but someday we will sit next to our KING and claim our crown. each trial will prove worthy of our eternal reward when we get there- and WHEN we get there. (we dont see it now of course... but thats another whole topic to discuss.)
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