the plans that heaven had for you...

... would long too soon unfold.


i hate talking about this. i hate that im never going to be over it or that i think about it so much.
i dont know how to stop... i hear Silas crying in the room next to me, and all i can think about is Carter. and how much i miss him. and how hurt i am that he's gone.

i hate this cycle of remembering.
i remember too much, but too little.
and it breaks me apart.
im hurt and devestated for my parents... and i pray God never allows this to happen to me as a mother someday.
im hurt for Jon, who lost his first little brother... i remember seeing him the night that carter died... recalling that memory is heavy.
im hurt for my precious Hailey bug. my innocent little princess... exposed to loss so soon.
I JUST HATE THIS!!!
and all i can wonder is WHY?!!?!?!!?!?!?!

i want to forget about this so much. but i cant pretend he was never here... his life left such an impact. and im moved by it. broken, but moved nonetheless.
i guess im just still learning how to grieve...

update.

• i work 40 hours a week.
• i changed my mind one last time and am going to Bethel College through Bethel Temple.
• i am so tired.
• i am going to TN with jake to visit a church his former worship paster is at, where they have an internship he might be interested in doing in the winter possibly.
• we're gonna hit up nashville while we're there, and that makes me super excited.
• i miss hanging out with my friends a lot, but it seems im always at work. or my free time comes last minute when i find out the day before if im working or not, and its too late.
• my car keeps breaking. the seatbelt broke and i got a friend to fix that for free after i bought the BILLION dollar part. and now my door is broken. i cant get in or out... and i was supposed to get it inspected the day that it broke. im super happy about that........................ =/
• my little brother Jon is back in town from ROTC camp and i have to sleep in my room again, which isnt fun cause the temperature is not as comfortable... and neither is my bed.
  yea, that's it for now.
• i feel so busy, but all it is- is work.
• that's it for now, not a very lengthy or interesting list. just life. and it feels good for me to have it all spelled out and out right in front of me... it helps sort it out in my head, kinda.
• good night!! ♥

the greatest gift.

it is not bound by time and space.
it is not restricted to a warm embrace or "sloppy wet kiss."
it is not defined by a deed or a donation or a day sacrificed.
it is not just a one syllable word with varied meaning.
it's all of this and more. it's too great to explain.
it's not desire, it's not temporary...
it's not possible...

without our One True Love.

i love how beautiful it is, i'll always be overwhelmed by it.
i'll never get over how incredible and perfect it is.
i'll always hold onto it.
the way He shows it, the way i receive it, the way i give it, the way He perfects it...
it's active and NOW, but it's gentle and patient.
it provokes passion, but avoids rapid anger.
it is selfless.
it is honest.
it is loyal.
it avoids despair, and offers HOPE.
it stands when all else falls.
despite surrounding weakness, it is strong.
it never fails.

i'll never stop longing for more.
more to give, more to receive, more to experience...

"love is patient and kind. love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. it does not demand it's own way. it is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. it does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance..." 1 corinthians 13 ♥

i have the flu.

im #6 out of 6 family members to get it.
and it SUCKS!!!!!
reasons why this is one of the worst things ever:
- i know im gonna feel better in the morning like everyone else has, but im still gonna have to take off work a SECOND time this week and LOSE hours... and i reallllllyyyy cant afford to do that.
- isolation. i hate when no one can be around me and i have to lay there feeling terrible and BORED and no one to talk to or hold me.
- im a people person, so i've been around a couple people the last 24 hours. and those people are now subject to getting the flu. which is terrible... i would not wish this on anyone.
- i blame hailey. she had it first.
- feeling naseous makes me want to die. i've always hated it, and this is no exception.
- im sleepy, but too uncomfortable to sleep due to this whole SICK thing.
- i will be missing a mandatory meeting at county grill tomorrow, and a night shift at texas steakhouse.
- i already called in to county grill to tell them i wouldnt be going in on MONDAY because my mom was sick and i had taken her to the ER the night before, there was no way physically i could handle that as tired as i was. and now i have to call again... they already hate that i have another job. so me skipping out of 2/3 of my shifts this week at a job i just started LOOKS BAD.
- but i think the worst thing is, i just feel terrible.... i dont like this ONE BIT.

love is the arms that are holding me.

i cant stop crying...
im so overwhelmed by mercy and love.
it's one thing to talk about it.
but to be the "target" of these is so moving.
♥
i'm at a loss for words.
i just keep thinking "thank you...."
thank You, Jesus for YOUR love and mercy.
thank You, Jesus for teaching me how to love with YOUR love which allows mercy to fall into place perfectly.
thank You, Jesus for pulling me close relentlessly no matter how much i pull away.
thank You, Jesus for letting me love on You- even though no matter what i do will ever be "good enough."
and thank You, Jesus for teaching me how to apply YOUR love to my life.
i'm so overwhelmed by Your goodness.

saying "hello" to healing

3 years ago...
i was in california visiting my grandparents...
not knowing that in a little more than a month my life was gonna change completely.
august 17th is coming around... and it will be three years since Carter died.
am i really going to go through this every summer? and every april when his birthday was?
its the month or so leading up to "the day" that get me...
and i had a good 2 months in between april 28 and now to not think about it much.
it just hit me today.
like woah.
what was i doing at this moment three years ago?
i was in california.
having the best summer of my life...
what will i have been doing three years ago in a month and a half?
saying 'goodbye'...

woah.
i just heard the phrase "saying 'hello' to healing" in my head right after i typed that.
thats so true though...
carter's death gave me a valid reason to act out in depression and brokenness and pass it off as grief.
but i finally got to express what had been hurting me inside for so long. people surrounded me and reminded me of God's love, referring to His strength through the season of losing Carter. but all of their words spoke into my past hurt. i applied their encouragement to something they couldnt even see... so now, it's almost as his death brought me life... by killing my past...
that's so like Jesus.
like, not to be morbid... but the bones of the past are still there as a reminder- it hasnt completely disappeared. but they're only bones... i have new life now.
just like carter... oh, God... and almost like Jesus... except He didnt leave any bones. He was perfect.

Oh boy. hows that for some midnight revelation?

Jesus, i miss You...

i gots two jobs now. county grill & texas steakhouse.
as much as i thought i DID NOT like texas steakhouse... its weird to know that i really have come to love it. i think i realized how good i had it there the day i turned in my application for county grill. sad face.

anyways.

i miss soccer. and exercising. i think im gonna run down to a little beach thing this morning. get some energy out. exercising is good for people who have trouble sleeping... and i've had a lot of trouble sleeping lately. so im gonna do something bouts that (:

i wish i could navigate this post into something really deep and thought provoking.
maybe some Jesus time will give me some inspiration. i miss just spending hours on end with Him...
thats what im gonna do this morning i think. just completely soak myself in His presence. at the beach. good stuff... (:

catcha later<3