so i havent done a blog in awhile... i guess it would be about two weeks.
no biggie though. not much has happened. just me getting on computer restriction then getting off it.
but we wont talk about that. haha.
well to tell you the truth, i have slipped alot the past few weeks. christmas was hard for me. and it was hard to control all the emotions that came with the holiday. i think i sank into being depressed again. not as bad though. [maybe cause i know i can get out of it this time?]
i dont really wanna get everything out right now and give you all the details but the past few weeks have just been difficult for me and i cried alot. and i kinda wanna cry now.
only because i think i am getting stronger. and i am maturing. last night i was on the phone pretty late past the time i am allowed to be on... i had alot on my mind that NEEDED to get out before i just broke down. and it was good that i got it out. but the timing wasnt right. i knew i wasnt supposed to be on the phone. but i did it anyways. even though i dont agree with my parents' rules as they always say I AM STILL UNDER THEIR ROOF. and i need to obey.
so after i got off the phone last night i thought about writing my dad a note telling him what i did wrong. and asking forgiveness. not to get out of the punishment, but just because i felt SO guilty and couldnt sleep because of the holy spirit convicting me. i know that there is a small possibility that he already knew that i was on the phone but i am not sure. i dont care either. i just know that when i got home from school i got my cell phone and i called him. i told him that i was on the phone past hours and that i am sorry. when he told me to put my phone downstairs with his stuff i did. i am ready for the consequences.
but you know whats weird, but probably normal? as soon as i got off the phone and took it downstairs i felt strange. like i was thinking: "oh chels you shouldnt have done that. if he DID find out you coulda lied and got around it." but then i was like "what the heck?! where did that come from? i cant lie to my dad! what i did was right. no matter how much the punishment is going to effect me." and i really cant lie to my parents. i love them too much. but i know for sure that even though i havent been punished. after i got off the phone i felt extremely guilty. and i hate hearing the tone in my dad's voice when he told me to give him my phone. but then he said "thanks for being honest." and then i thought oh maybe that means i wont get in that much trouble. or maybe it means i willl be in more cause it means he didnt already know and i just got myself into some mess that could have been prevented. i dont know what i was thinking. but i know that i feel horrible for once again dishonoring my parents. i feel like i have failed myself. THIS IS NOT WHO I AM SUPPOSED TO BE.
i feel horrible for that. i feel like everytime i disobey or disrespect my mom or dad that i am hurting them. and i CANNOT stand hurting people.
so right now i am struggling knowing that i did the right thing but not looking foward to the consequences. though i WILL accept them this time.
i guess thats all i have for today. alot has gone on that has put me in a bad mood. but i know that i will be alright eventually.
actually no. i have one more thing to say. mostly this is for me so that i remember it.
on sunday a man that i look up to tremendously told me something i dont think i will ever forget.
it was an experience he had just days before he shared the story with me. its actually more of a symbolic story. here it is:
he was standing in his garage looking out of his window into his backyard where a huge tree stood with naked branches. the tree looked ugly. at first glance he probably wondered why it even existed. but then he saw a beautiful bird with a wide wingspan that stretched farther than his own arms. and he just stood and watched the bird for awhile. he thought of how it would be impossible to see the beauty of the bird if the tree was covered in its well-formed leaves and greenery.
during the seasons of our lives when we appear revolting and repulsive because of our pain and suffering it is for a reason. ourselves and others would not be able to see the beauty that would come from it if we were "normal". if i had not gone through the pain of losing my baby brother and its effects on my family i dont think i would be to be as "beautiful" as i will someday be. others would miss the beautiful "bird" hiding in the greenery. notice that it was winter time that the man looked at the tree. it was without leaves. meaning that there are seasons in our life where we dont have the devine beauty to make us look like we are "okay". but the tree still has those roots. the roots that promise that come spring time it will bloom again.
i still have the roots inside of me that promise that i will make it through. and i pray that Jesus is the bird that you all see in me during this harsh cold winter.
-chelsea
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Thursday, January 3, 2008
he used to be my sunshine... always making me smile when skies were grey...
i feel like i am losing another brother.
my relationship with jon is horrible... and it hurts so bad.
i am trying to be the mature one and respect his feelings but he keeps disrespecting me. he treats me like i am a little kid he would pick on at school.
he's a flippin bully.
i just want our relationship to be back to the way it was this summer.
its not just him annoying me. its deeper.
it hurts so bad.
just last night he was trying to start an arguement and i just kept asking him "why?" and "is this worth it?" and "whats wrong?" i finally gave up when he missed the option that the reason i was asking that was deeper than he thought. so i threw my toothbrush across the bathroom and it slammed against the shower really hard. and thankfully i didnt get in trouble.
but still i feel like i am losing a potential good relationship with jon. i am losing yet another brother, a friend.
i would think that we would have grown closer through everything we have been through together... i guess not.
my relationship with jon is horrible... and it hurts so bad.
i am trying to be the mature one and respect his feelings but he keeps disrespecting me. he treats me like i am a little kid he would pick on at school.
he's a flippin bully.
i just want our relationship to be back to the way it was this summer.
its not just him annoying me. its deeper.
it hurts so bad.
just last night he was trying to start an arguement and i just kept asking him "why?" and "is this worth it?" and "whats wrong?" i finally gave up when he missed the option that the reason i was asking that was deeper than he thought. so i threw my toothbrush across the bathroom and it slammed against the shower really hard. and thankfully i didnt get in trouble.
but still i feel like i am losing a potential good relationship with jon. i am losing yet another brother, a friend.
i would think that we would have grown closer through everything we have been through together... i guess not.
My Little Princess
Though she is more than 10 years younger than me she is one of the best friends I have. Yes, there are some that come close to her level of amazement but the unimaginable companionship I have with her is amazing.
My sister, now only 4 years old, is my life. From her birth I have always held a special bond with her. I enjoy each level of her life. From the first time she ate solid foods, till her first words and step, each stage of her young life was so important to me. My favorite thing about her is her laugh and smile. Just like Carter, when i pretend to eat her and bite her sides she laughs a laugh from deep down in her stomach. You can't help but laugh with her when she is laughing. And the cute things she says just make me laugh so hard. I love her! One time she asked a good friend of mine if she loved her. When the lady said yes, Hailey said "everybody does." Then last night when we were coming back home from California Hailey was so happy to see "her home". We were sitting at a stop light and she goes "momma! I found my home!" I look over at her and she was pointing at the 7 Eleven. Then as we rode past Walgreen's she practically screamed "WALGREENS!!!!" it was so cute and hilarious.
Ever since my brother died though, I have been terrified of what could happen to Hailey. I start crying thinking about it. I know this sounds bad, but I am closer to her than I was to carter. And I think I would be having an even harder time with the death if it had been Hailey. I think it's because I actually got the opportunity to get to know her and grow close to her. There have been times when I have felt like crap when she comforted me. Just her smile and her innocence is overwhelming, One time she sat and held my head in her lap in my bed when I just cried for awhile. Then she started whispering to me "it's ok. It's going to be ok." and it made me cry harder. just because of how much she means to me and how oblivious she is to the world and the trials it brings. It almost seems that her faith is stronger than mine. She has questions just like I do (maybe not at in-depth) but she just keeps going. Is Hailey an example of what Jesus meant when he said to have the faith of a child? To keep pressing on seems to be all she knows to do. But to feel pain and to cry seems to be all I know to do. Especially when I think about how my brother's death has affected my whole family. How this had affected me. I now have a deep fear instilled in me. I fear that God will take Hailey too. When she sleeps at night she looks so much like carter. And as detailed as it is, I don't mean when he was alive. The memories of his still deathly face flood back when I look at Hailey when her eyes are closed and she is laying still. Sometimes I shake her awake because I am so terrified. Other times I pick her up and lay her next to me in my bed where I hold her the remainder of the night. I just get so freaked out when I see her like that... I don't know what would happen to us as a family if she *gulp* died too. I don't know what would happen to me. I wish I could say that I think I would be strong like Job and bless God through my pain. But I don't think I would. I think I would hate him. And who is to say that God wouldn't do that to us? Who's to say that he won't allow another one of us to be taken too? He is God. And He is way more powerful than me. I can't keep any of us here. I am scared to trust that he will protect us because the last time I did that he still allowed Carter to die. But then again, I think all I have left to do is to trust him. I am just so confused...
All of that to say:
I need her smile.
I need her soft touch.
I need her laugh.
I need her perseverance.
I need her.
I need her more than she realizes. And I am scared of death.
I love Hailey so much.
I love my whole family so much. And I couldn't bear it if something else went wrong...
My sister, now only 4 years old, is my life. From her birth I have always held a special bond with her. I enjoy each level of her life. From the first time she ate solid foods, till her first words and step, each stage of her young life was so important to me. My favorite thing about her is her laugh and smile. Just like Carter, when i pretend to eat her and bite her sides she laughs a laugh from deep down in her stomach. You can't help but laugh with her when she is laughing. And the cute things she says just make me laugh so hard. I love her! One time she asked a good friend of mine if she loved her. When the lady said yes, Hailey said "everybody does." Then last night when we were coming back home from California Hailey was so happy to see "her home". We were sitting at a stop light and she goes "momma! I found my home!" I look over at her and she was pointing at the 7 Eleven. Then as we rode past Walgreen's she practically screamed "WALGREENS!!!!" it was so cute and hilarious.
Ever since my brother died though, I have been terrified of what could happen to Hailey. I start crying thinking about it. I know this sounds bad, but I am closer to her than I was to carter. And I think I would be having an even harder time with the death if it had been Hailey. I think it's because I actually got the opportunity to get to know her and grow close to her. There have been times when I have felt like crap when she comforted me. Just her smile and her innocence is overwhelming, One time she sat and held my head in her lap in my bed when I just cried for awhile. Then she started whispering to me "it's ok. It's going to be ok." and it made me cry harder. just because of how much she means to me and how oblivious she is to the world and the trials it brings. It almost seems that her faith is stronger than mine. She has questions just like I do (maybe not at in-depth) but she just keeps going. Is Hailey an example of what Jesus meant when he said to have the faith of a child? To keep pressing on seems to be all she knows to do. But to feel pain and to cry seems to be all I know to do. Especially when I think about how my brother's death has affected my whole family. How this had affected me. I now have a deep fear instilled in me. I fear that God will take Hailey too. When she sleeps at night she looks so much like carter. And as detailed as it is, I don't mean when he was alive. The memories of his still deathly face flood back when I look at Hailey when her eyes are closed and she is laying still. Sometimes I shake her awake because I am so terrified. Other times I pick her up and lay her next to me in my bed where I hold her the remainder of the night. I just get so freaked out when I see her like that... I don't know what would happen to us as a family if she *gulp* died too. I don't know what would happen to me. I wish I could say that I think I would be strong like Job and bless God through my pain. But I don't think I would. I think I would hate him. And who is to say that God wouldn't do that to us? Who's to say that he won't allow another one of us to be taken too? He is God. And He is way more powerful than me. I can't keep any of us here. I am scared to trust that he will protect us because the last time I did that he still allowed Carter to die. But then again, I think all I have left to do is to trust him. I am just so confused...
All of that to say:
I need her smile.
I need her soft touch.
I need her laugh.
I need her perseverance.
I need her.
I need her more than she realizes. And I am scared of death.
I love Hailey so much.
I love my whole family so much. And I couldn't bear it if something else went wrong...
My Dove
never did i know or truly understand what writers talked about when they expressed their pain and remorse over death until now. when edgar allan poe dictated to the world his sorrow over his lost love, lenore, he used a familiar object to represent something deeper than its outward appearance. his example was a raven.
with a screeching cry and a coat of feathers the deepest black, nothing better could express the feelings of death he had inside.
i now can say that i understand that deep depression into his heart.
a dove with its pure white feathers and graceful glide across the sky, it's far from the feelings i have been brought to feeling. throughout the Word of my Creator the dove is used to symbolize hope.
during the storm in the time of Noah, God sent a dove to bring the good news that there would eventually be dry land to walk across. During my storm (the life i live right now) i choose to let a white dove prance across my mind and glide gracefully through my heart.
A symbol of hope amidst the tremendous sorrow i have encountered.
I stab the raven knocking at my door with the sharpest dagger and i strangle it with the coarsest rope. i replace it with a single white dove.
Raven, no longer will you dictate to me how i live, and how i should act. the remorse of not knowing it was you knocking at the door of my heat was indeed traumatizing and frustrating, but you have not knocked hard enough to replace my mind. i rebuke you from entering my thoughts and i forbid you from entering my heart.
there is such a thing as light for it can only get brighter, but darkness will remain dark, not any darker, for eternity. if the dark is in the presence of light it is no longer dark. but dark, true darkness cannot get any darker and it cannot get any lighter without be considered light. Dark is only the absence of light. And we all know that the true Light and Life rose and tramples darkness beneath the earth.
Only Light shines. And Light defeats darkness.
My Dove soars high above the sky as white and light as snow.
with a screeching cry and a coat of feathers the deepest black, nothing better could express the feelings of death he had inside.
i now can say that i understand that deep depression into his heart.
a dove with its pure white feathers and graceful glide across the sky, it's far from the feelings i have been brought to feeling. throughout the Word of my Creator the dove is used to symbolize hope.
during the storm in the time of Noah, God sent a dove to bring the good news that there would eventually be dry land to walk across. During my storm (the life i live right now) i choose to let a white dove prance across my mind and glide gracefully through my heart.
A symbol of hope amidst the tremendous sorrow i have encountered.
I stab the raven knocking at my door with the sharpest dagger and i strangle it with the coarsest rope. i replace it with a single white dove.
Raven, no longer will you dictate to me how i live, and how i should act. the remorse of not knowing it was you knocking at the door of my heat was indeed traumatizing and frustrating, but you have not knocked hard enough to replace my mind. i rebuke you from entering my thoughts and i forbid you from entering my heart.
there is such a thing as light for it can only get brighter, but darkness will remain dark, not any darker, for eternity. if the dark is in the presence of light it is no longer dark. but dark, true darkness cannot get any darker and it cannot get any lighter without be considered light. Dark is only the absence of light. And we all know that the true Light and Life rose and tramples darkness beneath the earth.
Only Light shines. And Light defeats darkness.
My Dove soars high above the sky as white and light as snow.
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