My sister, now only 4 years old, is my life. From her birth I have always held a special bond with her. I enjoy each level of her life. From the first time she ate solid foods, till her first words and step, each stage of her young life was so important to me. My favorite thing about her is her laugh and smile. Just like Carter, when i pretend to eat her and bite her sides she laughs a laugh from deep down in her stomach. You can't help but laugh with her when she is laughing. And the cute things she says just make me laugh so hard. I love her! One time she asked a good friend of mine if she loved her. When the lady said yes, Hailey said "everybody does." Then last night when we were coming back home from California Hailey was so happy to see "her home". We were sitting at a stop light and she goes "momma! I found my home!" I look over at her and she was pointing at the 7 Eleven. Then as we rode past Walgreen's she practically screamed "WALGREENS!!!!" it was so cute and hilarious.
Ever since my brother died though, I have been terrified of what could happen to Hailey. I start crying thinking about it. I know this sounds bad, but I am closer to her than I was to carter. And I think I would be having an even harder time with the death if it had been Hailey. I think it's because I actually got the opportunity to get to know her and grow close to her. There have been times when I have felt like crap when she comforted me. Just her smile and her innocence is overwhelming, One time she sat and held my head in her lap in my bed when I just cried for awhile. Then she started whispering to me "it's ok. It's going to be ok." and it made me cry harder. just because of how much she means to me and how oblivious she is to the world and the trials it brings. It almost seems that her faith is stronger than mine. She has questions just like I do (maybe not at in-depth) but she just keeps going. Is Hailey an example of what Jesus meant when he said to have the faith of a child? To keep pressing on seems to be all she knows to do. But to feel pain and to cry seems to be all I know to do. Especially when I think about how my brother's death has affected my whole family. How this had affected me. I now have a deep fear instilled in me. I fear that God will take Hailey too. When she sleeps at night she looks so much like carter. And as detailed as it is, I don't mean when he was alive. The memories of his still deathly face flood back when I look at Hailey when her eyes are closed and she is laying still. Sometimes I shake her awake because I am so terrified. Other times I pick her up and lay her next to me in my bed where I hold her the remainder of the night. I just get so freaked out when I see her like that... I don't know what would happen to us as a family if she *gulp* died too. I don't know what would happen to me. I wish I could say that I think I would be strong like Job and bless God through my pain. But I don't think I would. I think I would hate him. And who is to say that God wouldn't do that to us? Who's to say that he won't allow another one of us to be taken too? He is God. And He is way more powerful than me. I can't keep any of us here. I am scared to trust that he will protect us because the last time I did that he still allowed Carter to die. But then again, I think all I have left to do is to trust him. I am just so confused...
All of that to say:
I need her smile.
I need her soft touch.
I need her laugh.
I need her perseverance.
I need her.
I need her more than she realizes. And I am scared of death.
I love Hailey so much.
I love my whole family so much. And I couldn't bear it if something else went wrong...
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