beauty of an old ugly tree

so i havent done a blog in awhile... i guess it would be about two weeks.

no biggie though. not much has happened. just me getting on computer restriction then getting off it.

but we wont talk about that. haha.

well to tell you the truth, i have slipped alot the past few weeks. christmas was hard for me. and it was hard to control all the emotions that came with the holiday. i think i sank into being depressed again. not as bad though. [maybe cause i know i can get out of it this time?]

i dont really wanna get everything out right now and give you all the details but the past few weeks have just been difficult for me and i cried alot. and i kinda wanna cry now.

only because i think i am getting stronger. and i am maturing. last night i was on the phone pretty late past the time i am allowed to be on... i had alot on my mind that NEEDED to get out before i just broke down. and it was good that i got it out. but the timing wasnt right. i knew i wasnt supposed to be on the phone. but i did it anyways. even though i dont agree with my parents' rules as they always say I AM STILL UNDER THEIR ROOF. and i need to obey.

so after i got off the phone last night i thought about writing my dad a note telling him what i did wrong. and asking forgiveness. not to get out of the punishment, but just because i felt SO guilty and couldnt sleep because of the holy spirit convicting me. i know that there is a small possibility that he already knew that i was on the phone but i am not sure. i dont care either. i just know that when i got home from school i got my cell phone and i called him. i told him that i was on the phone past hours and that i am sorry. when he told me to put my phone downstairs with his stuff i did. i am ready for the consequences.

but you know whats weird, but probably normal? as soon as i got off the phone and took it downstairs i felt strange. like i was thinking: "oh chels you shouldnt have done that. if he DID find out you coulda lied and got around it." but then i was like "what the heck?! where did that come from? i cant lie to my dad! what i did was right. no matter how much the punishment is going to effect me." and i really cant lie to my parents. i love them too much. but i know for sure that even though i havent been punished. after i got off the phone i felt extremely guilty. and i hate hearing the tone in my dad's voice when he told me to give him my phone. but then he said "thanks for being honest." and then i thought oh maybe that means i wont get in that much trouble. or maybe it means i willl be in more cause it means he didnt already know and i just got myself into some mess that could have been prevented. i dont know what i was thinking. but i know that i feel horrible for once again dishonoring my parents. i feel like i have failed myself. THIS IS NOT WHO I AM SUPPOSED TO BE.

i feel horrible for that. i feel like everytime i disobey or disrespect my mom or dad that i am hurting them. and i CANNOT stand hurting people.

so right now i am struggling knowing that i did the right thing but not looking foward to the consequences. though i WILL accept them this time.

i guess thats all i have for today. alot has gone on that has put me in a bad mood. but i know that i will be alright eventually.

actually no. i have one more thing to say. mostly this is for me so that i remember it.

on sunday a man that i look up to tremendously told me something i dont think i will ever forget.

it was an experience he had just days before he shared the story with me. its actually more of a symbolic story. here it is:

he was standing in his garage looking out of his window into his backyard where a huge tree stood with naked branches. the tree looked ugly. at first glance he probably wondered why it even existed. but then he saw a beautiful bird with a wide wingspan that stretched farther than his own arms. and he just stood and watched the bird for awhile. he thought of how it would be impossible to see the beauty of the bird if the tree was covered in its well-formed leaves and greenery.


during the seasons of our lives when we appear revolting and repulsive because of our pain and suffering it is for a reason. ourselves and others would not be able to see the beauty that would come from it if we were "normal". if i had not gone through the pain of losing my baby brother and its effects on my family i dont think i would be to be as "beautiful" as i will someday be. others would miss the beautiful "bird" hiding in the greenery. notice that it was winter time that the man looked at the tree. it was without leaves. meaning that there are seasons in our life where we dont have the devine beauty to make us look like we are "okay". but the tree still has those roots. the roots that promise that come spring time it will bloom again.


i still have the roots inside of me that promise that i will make it through. and i pray that Jesus is the bird that you all see in me during this harsh cold winter.


-chelsea