with the pain- with the brokenness,
with the confusion, hear this:
"i take thee my bride.
forever to hold
with all of my heart, eternally i do."
because your heart was made to love.
your heart was made to save- made for mercy.
your heart was made for love.
your heart was made to feed the hungry.
your heart was made to heal the broken.
your heart was made to free the captives.
your heart was made to repair the damaged.
your heart was made for me.
so do what you will
i am ready now
my heart was made for you.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Saturday, November 15, 2008
The Ascent '08- The Message I Received
i had a few really good "word pictures" tonight at the Ascent. theres one specific one that i want to share....
i saw a 3D front view of a dark red heart.... it had bruises and scars and stitches and was covered in pain- with the definition of affliction and torment. the heart had cold metal chains binding its freedom... they squeezed every part of the heart... holding it in an agonizing bondage. some of the chains were rusty and old- representing the myriad of years they enslaved the heart. while i was looking at the heart... i noticed an extremely bright light coming from behind the heart... illuminating the foreground and edges of the heart. it seemed to be inching closer to the heart, for the light was perceived to be growing brighter.
when the light was finally close enough, the ugly chains suddenly broke and fell off of the heart. the view of the heart was then switched to a top view (as if i was looking straight down). i watched the heart fall backwards into the light.
i cant explain what form the light took... except that it was holding the heart. i saw that the heart had a different glow to it than its original countenance of despair and utter hopeless brokenness. the scars of the heart still existed... and i could tell that the heart could still feel some type of anguish. but there was a feeling of HOPE written all over the heart. i tried to figure out what the emotions of the heart were... but my mind just would not shift from the word HOPE. even though the heart still had its scars, it had a sense of HOPE.
the chains laid broken and shattered next to the heart... but they no longer bound the heart with their oppressing and enslaving nature. they will still be present in the life of the victim... but not present in the way that they are murdering her. the chains will never ever go away... as hopeless as that sounds, there is still hope in the fact that the CHAINS ARE BROKEN. the chains have been removed and now there is room for freedom to drape itself around and about the heart. the restored heart.
alright.
so in addition that...
we had a couple hours where everyone went into these different rooms where we could be prophesied over. i signed up for one of the first sessions. when i walked in... i had no idea what to expect. im going to share what i was told... and hopefully i will receive some revelation about them as i write. There were 7 pictures that the 3 people in the room had.... I will write down exactly what they told me... and they knew nothing about me.... not even my name.
1.) God was seen as a teddy bear... like children cling to a teddy bear, God was going to be my friend when it seemed there was none other.
2.) A pair of closed eyes were envisioned... the eyes had very long black eyelashes. I was told that the eyelashes were from God to protect me from what i see. And in this, He was showing me love.
3.) A picture of a moving flip book was revealed... there was a picture of a flower that was growing bigger and growing more and more beautiful. God is preparing me for a big transformation.
4.) The Lord was anointing my arms in this vision... apparently for worship unto Him. I was reaching to touch His heart... And that i was going to be using my arms and hands to serve people. I am going to be doing a huge hands on ministry in the future sometime.
5.) In this picture, a cell phone was envisioned. It was laying prostrate on a table... it had an antenna that was facing towards the viewer. The cell phone's antenna started to grow longer and started stretching towards the person...
(In this image, the man that shared this with me told me that He had NO idea why God showed this to Him... He told me that i needed to seek God in finding out what that meant. When he was sharing this all with me i kept thinking about how cell phones are used for communication. And how antennas are used for reception... to help make the call more clear. I thought that maybe God was using that picture to represent somehow how our communication with one another (me and God's) was going to start growing in clarity... that the reception was increasing. I am not sure if this is on point or not... but it could be?)
6.) A pad of paper and a pen was revealed to the woman who had this imagery etched in her head. She saw that a leaf was on the end of the pen and that it was growing bigger and richer. She told me that it represented some sort of creativity and growth in the subject of writing. That it was going to increase. (This lady doesnt even know me........)
7.) In this last vision, a giant eye was shown. It was a very large beautiful blue eye... as the viewer of the eye looked closer, he noticed that the world was reflected in the eye. That the eye took the form of the world... God wanted me to see the world and feel it apparently. The man that told me all of this also shared that he felt like God was saying that this was the "most important" prophecy... that i should really talk to Him about it and ask Him what it means... and to show me His word. I was told to ask God what He was saying to me.
So anyways... i thought that was all very powerful. And thats not even all. I sat in on two other sessions of other people because i had to be a "scribe" and write down the prophecies of them so that they could cry and whatnot. And i witnessed some AMAZING stuff. I sat in with another close friend... and while we were discussing what happened in there, i saw something too. I shared with her what i was seeing and apparently it meant a lot to her. It was so encouraging to see God use me like that.... it gave me so much hope. That He could still work through me, no matter what i have done. I saw so much change in people tonight... So much.
In another instance, the speaker of one session of the conference, spoke something over me too. We were up at the front of the auditorium to receive the fire of the Holy Spirit... i wasnt really sure what it meant, but i went up anyways. When the man finally got to me, i was trembling and shaking so much that i could barely stand. I was praying that God would make this huge thing happen to me and that i would be outrageously filled with Him. That if it was His will, i wanted it soooooo bad. I submitted to Him completely and told Him that i would still love and devote myself to Him even if I did not receive what i expected. When the man's hands touched my head, He told me that God kept saying the word "dance" to me... (and if you know me, you know that i have no dancing capabilities.) He asked me if i minded if he prayed over my feet. So he knelt down and placed His hands on my feet and started praying. He kept saying dance.... Then when he had arisen he placed His hand on me again and told me that he was hearing from God that i had already received the fire. that i already had it. and i was like, "no i dont... i dont feel anything. i never have." and he only responded with, "you already have it...." and he moved on to the next person.
So i kinda collapsed right there and started crying. i starting like yelling at God. i was so mad... i didnt understand how i could have this fire if i couldnt feel it. But i just kept hearing that He was not a feeling. And i thought about how he had moved so much in me already... and i didnt have to feel Him to recognize that. It was crazy... i still felt depressed though. i got up from my spot on the floor and just kind of walked around like a zombie. i was mad that i didnt get anything... but then i went and spoke to the speaker again about some of what he spoke over me and over the congregation. And after he prayed for me, i felt like i understood. Not that there was knowledge in that understanding... just a peace about it. I still want to FEEL God more than anything... but God revealed Himself to me in such a huge way this weekend, there is no way that i cant tell Him that He hasnt done enough. That if He doesnt let me feel Him, He doesnt exist. I know He exists... and now i have a confidence in his work in me and through me.
about the dance thing- i told you that i couldnt dance. and im so serious. but when i was worshiping i really had this humongous urge to just spin around in circles with my arms wide open. i started to at one point, but after a couple times i stopped... i was like "okay.... yeah. not feeling it." i was disappointed. but i WILL do it next time... no matter who's around haha. i started to think that maybe that was the dancing that God was trying to talk to me about... but then i thought maybe that he wanted me to use my feet AND my arms and hands (as said in a prophecy from earlier in the day...) to serve Him.... dont you use your hands and feet and arms and your whole body to dance? Maybe God doesnt mean a literal dance... maybe He means a dance to His movement of ministry? I'm not entirely sure... but i will embrace it, even though i may not completely understand it...
dude, this is all so crazy... i could go on for hours on everything i experienced. but i will be surprised if any of you actually read this whole thing. though i am interested in what half of you will have to say about all of this. but thank you so much if you made it all the way down here. this all means so much to me... im so "woah" about it all. its insane!! haha
alright.
so i guess i will end this now =]
love you all! and thank you!!!!
-chelsea
i saw a 3D front view of a dark red heart.... it had bruises and scars and stitches and was covered in pain- with the definition of affliction and torment. the heart had cold metal chains binding its freedom... they squeezed every part of the heart... holding it in an agonizing bondage. some of the chains were rusty and old- representing the myriad of years they enslaved the heart. while i was looking at the heart... i noticed an extremely bright light coming from behind the heart... illuminating the foreground and edges of the heart. it seemed to be inching closer to the heart, for the light was perceived to be growing brighter.
when the light was finally close enough, the ugly chains suddenly broke and fell off of the heart. the view of the heart was then switched to a top view (as if i was looking straight down). i watched the heart fall backwards into the light.
i cant explain what form the light took... except that it was holding the heart. i saw that the heart had a different glow to it than its original countenance of despair and utter hopeless brokenness. the scars of the heart still existed... and i could tell that the heart could still feel some type of anguish. but there was a feeling of HOPE written all over the heart. i tried to figure out what the emotions of the heart were... but my mind just would not shift from the word HOPE. even though the heart still had its scars, it had a sense of HOPE.
the chains laid broken and shattered next to the heart... but they no longer bound the heart with their oppressing and enslaving nature. they will still be present in the life of the victim... but not present in the way that they are murdering her. the chains will never ever go away... as hopeless as that sounds, there is still hope in the fact that the CHAINS ARE BROKEN. the chains have been removed and now there is room for freedom to drape itself around and about the heart. the restored heart.
alright.
so in addition that...
we had a couple hours where everyone went into these different rooms where we could be prophesied over. i signed up for one of the first sessions. when i walked in... i had no idea what to expect. im going to share what i was told... and hopefully i will receive some revelation about them as i write. There were 7 pictures that the 3 people in the room had.... I will write down exactly what they told me... and they knew nothing about me.... not even my name.
1.) God was seen as a teddy bear... like children cling to a teddy bear, God was going to be my friend when it seemed there was none other.
2.) A pair of closed eyes were envisioned... the eyes had very long black eyelashes. I was told that the eyelashes were from God to protect me from what i see. And in this, He was showing me love.
3.) A picture of a moving flip book was revealed... there was a picture of a flower that was growing bigger and growing more and more beautiful. God is preparing me for a big transformation.
4.) The Lord was anointing my arms in this vision... apparently for worship unto Him. I was reaching to touch His heart... And that i was going to be using my arms and hands to serve people. I am going to be doing a huge hands on ministry in the future sometime.
5.) In this picture, a cell phone was envisioned. It was laying prostrate on a table... it had an antenna that was facing towards the viewer. The cell phone's antenna started to grow longer and started stretching towards the person...
(In this image, the man that shared this with me told me that He had NO idea why God showed this to Him... He told me that i needed to seek God in finding out what that meant. When he was sharing this all with me i kept thinking about how cell phones are used for communication. And how antennas are used for reception... to help make the call more clear. I thought that maybe God was using that picture to represent somehow how our communication with one another (me and God's) was going to start growing in clarity... that the reception was increasing. I am not sure if this is on point or not... but it could be?)
6.) A pad of paper and a pen was revealed to the woman who had this imagery etched in her head. She saw that a leaf was on the end of the pen and that it was growing bigger and richer. She told me that it represented some sort of creativity and growth in the subject of writing. That it was going to increase. (This lady doesnt even know me........)
7.) In this last vision, a giant eye was shown. It was a very large beautiful blue eye... as the viewer of the eye looked closer, he noticed that the world was reflected in the eye. That the eye took the form of the world... God wanted me to see the world and feel it apparently. The man that told me all of this also shared that he felt like God was saying that this was the "most important" prophecy... that i should really talk to Him about it and ask Him what it means... and to show me His word. I was told to ask God what He was saying to me.
So anyways... i thought that was all very powerful. And thats not even all. I sat in on two other sessions of other people because i had to be a "scribe" and write down the prophecies of them so that they could cry and whatnot. And i witnessed some AMAZING stuff. I sat in with another close friend... and while we were discussing what happened in there, i saw something too. I shared with her what i was seeing and apparently it meant a lot to her. It was so encouraging to see God use me like that.... it gave me so much hope. That He could still work through me, no matter what i have done. I saw so much change in people tonight... So much.
In another instance, the speaker of one session of the conference, spoke something over me too. We were up at the front of the auditorium to receive the fire of the Holy Spirit... i wasnt really sure what it meant, but i went up anyways. When the man finally got to me, i was trembling and shaking so much that i could barely stand. I was praying that God would make this huge thing happen to me and that i would be outrageously filled with Him. That if it was His will, i wanted it soooooo bad. I submitted to Him completely and told Him that i would still love and devote myself to Him even if I did not receive what i expected. When the man's hands touched my head, He told me that God kept saying the word "dance" to me... (and if you know me, you know that i have no dancing capabilities.) He asked me if i minded if he prayed over my feet. So he knelt down and placed His hands on my feet and started praying. He kept saying dance.... Then when he had arisen he placed His hand on me again and told me that he was hearing from God that i had already received the fire. that i already had it. and i was like, "no i dont... i dont feel anything. i never have." and he only responded with, "you already have it...." and he moved on to the next person.
So i kinda collapsed right there and started crying. i starting like yelling at God. i was so mad... i didnt understand how i could have this fire if i couldnt feel it. But i just kept hearing that He was not a feeling. And i thought about how he had moved so much in me already... and i didnt have to feel Him to recognize that. It was crazy... i still felt depressed though. i got up from my spot on the floor and just kind of walked around like a zombie. i was mad that i didnt get anything... but then i went and spoke to the speaker again about some of what he spoke over me and over the congregation. And after he prayed for me, i felt like i understood. Not that there was knowledge in that understanding... just a peace about it. I still want to FEEL God more than anything... but God revealed Himself to me in such a huge way this weekend, there is no way that i cant tell Him that He hasnt done enough. That if He doesnt let me feel Him, He doesnt exist. I know He exists... and now i have a confidence in his work in me and through me.
about the dance thing- i told you that i couldnt dance. and im so serious. but when i was worshiping i really had this humongous urge to just spin around in circles with my arms wide open. i started to at one point, but after a couple times i stopped... i was like "okay.... yeah. not feeling it." i was disappointed. but i WILL do it next time... no matter who's around haha. i started to think that maybe that was the dancing that God was trying to talk to me about... but then i thought maybe that he wanted me to use my feet AND my arms and hands (as said in a prophecy from earlier in the day...) to serve Him.... dont you use your hands and feet and arms and your whole body to dance? Maybe God doesnt mean a literal dance... maybe He means a dance to His movement of ministry? I'm not entirely sure... but i will embrace it, even though i may not completely understand it...
dude, this is all so crazy... i could go on for hours on everything i experienced. but i will be surprised if any of you actually read this whole thing. though i am interested in what half of you will have to say about all of this. but thank you so much if you made it all the way down here. this all means so much to me... im so "woah" about it all. its insane!! haha
alright.
so i guess i will end this now =]
love you all! and thank you!!!!
-chelsea
Sunday, November 2, 2008
love me still
you are a mystery
so unexplained
you have a history
of unending reign
i just want to run
into you
you, the sovereign one
pull my heart
closer to you
tear me apart
and divide me in two
break me in half
and shatter my will
forget the past
and love me still
through hurt and pain
i'm overwhelmed
yet close you remain
i'm forever held
to love is your will
you will love me still
so unexplained
you have a history
of unending reign
i just want to run
into you
you, the sovereign one
pull my heart
closer to you
tear me apart
and divide me in two
break me in half
and shatter my will
forget the past
and love me still
through hurt and pain
i'm overwhelmed
yet close you remain
i'm forever held
to love is your will
you will love me still
Sunday, October 26, 2008
The Radiant Tapesty
Drawing near to God results in change inwardly and outwardly. Let us hold unswervingly with hope in the one who is faithful to His promises.
In His own beauty, Christ has transformed our brokenness into a piece of refined gold purified through blazing flames. And though He allows us to be placed inside of this fire temporarily, He assured us that we would be redeemed from the hand of the enemy and glorified through His faithfulness. God placed each person with their surrounding circumstances- hopeful AND despair- knowing the end product. This God and His Son most Holy of All even accompanied men of the Old Testament as they were placed in a physical furnace. How can we not believe that we are accompanied in this Spiritual furnace? How can we not believe that God is walking along side of us and holding us in His arms in this fiery furnace of life? He is a Father who knows what is best for His children, even if we cannot presently visualize His plan.
His will for us is like a tapestry... when examined up close, the colors all run together and seem blurry- full of confusion and disorientation. But when this seemingly hopeless tapestry is analyzed from a distance, the view of this image becomes wholesome and purposeful. The plan for each thread starts to make sense and the object in its entirety comes together with a purpose. The blur of the artwork comes together with clarity. The dark colors of anguish mix with the pale comatose colors of utter numbness. The bright colors are entwined amidst the hopeless ones. The rich colors enhance the beauty of the darkness and altogether, they become radiant with unity.
This is how the God of the universe sees our lives. He doesn't view it in divided sections... He sees the whole picture.
In His own beauty, Christ has transformed our brokenness into a piece of refined gold purified through blazing flames. And though He allows us to be placed inside of this fire temporarily, He assured us that we would be redeemed from the hand of the enemy and glorified through His faithfulness. God placed each person with their surrounding circumstances- hopeful AND despair- knowing the end product. This God and His Son most Holy of All even accompanied men of the Old Testament as they were placed in a physical furnace. How can we not believe that we are accompanied in this Spiritual furnace? How can we not believe that God is walking along side of us and holding us in His arms in this fiery furnace of life? He is a Father who knows what is best for His children, even if we cannot presently visualize His plan.
His will for us is like a tapestry... when examined up close, the colors all run together and seem blurry- full of confusion and disorientation. But when this seemingly hopeless tapestry is analyzed from a distance, the view of this image becomes wholesome and purposeful. The plan for each thread starts to make sense and the object in its entirety comes together with a purpose. The blur of the artwork comes together with clarity. The dark colors of anguish mix with the pale comatose colors of utter numbness. The bright colors are entwined amidst the hopeless ones. The rich colors enhance the beauty of the darkness and altogether, they become radiant with unity.
This is how the God of the universe sees our lives. He doesn't view it in divided sections... He sees the whole picture.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
some scattered thoughts
desciption: numerous wandering stanzas... no particular flow or specific theme.
*********
its really dark in here
where is the light?
is it near?
its so out of sight...
the past can never sleep
though it buries itself deep
its like a dead heart still beating
giving the future a new meaning
i'm calling
please hear me
crying
please hold me
screaming
please love me
the night screams
there is no hope
but it just seems
so easy to not say no
but you whisper to me
that im in your hands
despite my screams
you've got a plan
silence my love
listen to me
i have a plan
just wait and see
just wait and see
what i have got for you
please just believe
i will get you through
*********
*********
its really dark in here
where is the light?
is it near?
its so out of sight...
the past can never sleep
though it buries itself deep
its like a dead heart still beating
giving the future a new meaning
i'm calling
please hear me
crying
please hold me
screaming
please love me
the night screams
there is no hope
but it just seems
so easy to not say no
but you whisper to me
that im in your hands
despite my screams
you've got a plan
silence my love
listen to me
i have a plan
just wait and see
just wait and see
what i have got for you
please just believe
i will get you through
*********
Sunday, October 19, 2008
-----my God can move mountains-----
this night began with confusion... my worship consisted only of me crying out to God for some sort of "sign"... some sort of hope. but after i confessed what i knew of God and His MAJESTY.. everything came together. after i was prayed for, something started to change. but this time, its different. i know i say that every time.. but this time, i feel different in the way that i feel content with God in the way that He reveals Himself to me. so what if its not my way?
i learned so much earlier... and i cant even begin to put into words what meant the most to me. i appreciate the realness of those who sacrificed their time tonight to listen to me. i appreciate how God worked through them. i am starting to feel hopeful....
ok, tonight someone told me about something interesting. God in His Sovereignty and Hugeness was there even before the world was created, of course. With his existence were angels. Perfect holy angels created without a blemish in God's sight. However, the Bible tells us that 1/3 of the entire celestial kingdom denounced God in their pride. Even the angles fall down... God created me a human. Born into a sin nature- Prone to fall. If the most holy of all creatures make mistakes, then why do we beat ourselves up over the mistakes we made. I was created with God knowing that i was going to mess up. He knew that i was going to fail in my witness to His world, He knew that i was going to be ashamed of Him, He knew that i was going to curse the good things He established, He knew my thoughts, He knew of my mistrust and lack of faith in Him, He knew it all. He knows of the times we will FAIL. Yet, He still freakin allowed His Son to be SACRIFICED to save us... to rescue us. And he tells us that he wouldnt take it back... even if i were the only one to die for, Jesus would still take on the burden on the cross for ME. and He would do it again and again and again if He had to. He cares and loves me that much!!
so when are we going to shut up and listen to Him? stop crying out for help and love that He has already given us? when am i going to accept that he thinks i am perfection in the making? when will we allow Him to really come into our lives? we are constricting Him to our hearts... what about the rest of us? our minds and will? its like we have placed Him in a box and told Him that he is not permitted to leave. We dig him out when we need Him to help us out with something, but overall, God remains in that tiny box inside of our hearts trying to escape. You know whats cool? God is God. He doesnt run out of energy like we do... He is gonna keep trying to hop out of the constraints we have placed on Him. He is inside jumping like a mad man trying to get our attention. and He wont slow down till He's got us again.
oh wow... there are so many thoughts i still want to share. i dont know how to sort them all out though... theres just too much!! AGH!!
more for next time hopefully =]
-chelsea-
ps. God, You are seriously moving right now... I said this earlier tonight, but i want to re-emphasize it. If You were not planning something HUGE, there would not be this outrageously thick pull of darkness over the youth of today's society. The spirit of depression is pushing itself onto us and trying to grab hold of what "goodness" we have left in us- to throw it away. Whatever you have up Your sleeve, God, has to be pretty amazing.. because our enemy- satan, is so not happy with it. he is obviously attacking us... without Your flame there is no way we can stand against this. Your the energy we need to hold our ground and remain in our battle stance. I thank You for the way you worked in so many hearts tonight, and this whole week at school. Let's keep this heat blazing... the fire burning. NOTHING CAN QUENCH YOU... nothing can quench the flames of Your love. keep it going God... keep it going. If you can physically move mountains like You say You can, then i KNOW that you can move the mountains that we have in our lives. i know that you can move them. leave it to the God of the universe to pick up entire land structures and remove them from the ground to be placed elsewhere. leave it to You to work in things as drastic as Your creation. Psh, if You can move mountains, You are MIGHTY ENOUGH TO SAVE. You are rescuing us from drowning in the plague of demonic spirits trying to DESTROY us... You've caught us in Your gigantic hands... and now You are cuddling us close to Your heart in your loving arms... You are so amazing... so intensely amazing.
i learned so much earlier... and i cant even begin to put into words what meant the most to me. i appreciate the realness of those who sacrificed their time tonight to listen to me. i appreciate how God worked through them. i am starting to feel hopeful....
ok, tonight someone told me about something interesting. God in His Sovereignty and Hugeness was there even before the world was created, of course. With his existence were angels. Perfect holy angels created without a blemish in God's sight. However, the Bible tells us that 1/3 of the entire celestial kingdom denounced God in their pride. Even the angles fall down... God created me a human. Born into a sin nature- Prone to fall. If the most holy of all creatures make mistakes, then why do we beat ourselves up over the mistakes we made. I was created with God knowing that i was going to mess up. He knew that i was going to fail in my witness to His world, He knew that i was going to be ashamed of Him, He knew that i was going to curse the good things He established, He knew my thoughts, He knew of my mistrust and lack of faith in Him, He knew it all. He knows of the times we will FAIL. Yet, He still freakin allowed His Son to be SACRIFICED to save us... to rescue us. And he tells us that he wouldnt take it back... even if i were the only one to die for, Jesus would still take on the burden on the cross for ME. and He would do it again and again and again if He had to. He cares and loves me that much!!
so when are we going to shut up and listen to Him? stop crying out for help and love that He has already given us? when am i going to accept that he thinks i am perfection in the making? when will we allow Him to really come into our lives? we are constricting Him to our hearts... what about the rest of us? our minds and will? its like we have placed Him in a box and told Him that he is not permitted to leave. We dig him out when we need Him to help us out with something, but overall, God remains in that tiny box inside of our hearts trying to escape. You know whats cool? God is God. He doesnt run out of energy like we do... He is gonna keep trying to hop out of the constraints we have placed on Him. He is inside jumping like a mad man trying to get our attention. and He wont slow down till He's got us again.
oh wow... there are so many thoughts i still want to share. i dont know how to sort them all out though... theres just too much!! AGH!!
more for next time hopefully =]
-chelsea-
ps. God, You are seriously moving right now... I said this earlier tonight, but i want to re-emphasize it. If You were not planning something HUGE, there would not be this outrageously thick pull of darkness over the youth of today's society. The spirit of depression is pushing itself onto us and trying to grab hold of what "goodness" we have left in us- to throw it away. Whatever you have up Your sleeve, God, has to be pretty amazing.. because our enemy- satan, is so not happy with it. he is obviously attacking us... without Your flame there is no way we can stand against this. Your the energy we need to hold our ground and remain in our battle stance. I thank You for the way you worked in so many hearts tonight, and this whole week at school. Let's keep this heat blazing... the fire burning. NOTHING CAN QUENCH YOU... nothing can quench the flames of Your love. keep it going God... keep it going. If you can physically move mountains like You say You can, then i KNOW that you can move the mountains that we have in our lives. i know that you can move them. leave it to the God of the universe to pick up entire land structures and remove them from the ground to be placed elsewhere. leave it to You to work in things as drastic as Your creation. Psh, if You can move mountains, You are MIGHTY ENOUGH TO SAVE. You are rescuing us from drowning in the plague of demonic spirits trying to DESTROY us... You've caught us in Your gigantic hands... and now You are cuddling us close to Your heart in your loving arms... You are so amazing... so intensely amazing.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
--rambling--
i think there is a humongous blog coming soon...
there has been an incredible amount of stress the past couple of weeks. you could say that its not been the best experience.
i havent been writing nearly as much as i used to. i havent written in my journal since september 29. which, for me, is a LONG time. it had been 2 weeks since i had written before that. and the same with the time before that. it really sucks... i still love writing. but it almost seems that i have lost the motivation.
i did realize that when i stopped writing, i started to feel more confused about how i felt. i cant sort out my thoughts and i feel so unsure about what i do know.
there is a lot going on in my life right now... and i feel so so hurt by everything thats going on. but in moments like this, and seasons of craziness, i really want to trust God. i really want to believe that i dont have it so bad, and that God, above all else, is STILL IN CONTROL.
its so hard to trust Him... after everything that has happened in these short [but really long] 16 years, i dont want to have anything to do with Him. but because of what i know, i want to still hold onto Him, just like He is holding onto me.
ughhh this is all so hard.
i still dont know what to do about some issues... and i am relentlessly seeking for clarity from God in His reasons for allowing this all to happen. i am so tired of trying to hard to make this work... i wish that God could just be here in the way that i feel like i need Him to.
i dont like the feelings i get when i am alone... i know i am not, because God is so omnipresent. but i still feel so empty.... and i hate that. i wish i could make everything better. but this is all so out of my control. i hate feeling out of control of anything.
im holding on to the few things that i know...at least i am trying to, anyways. i dont have much hope in those, either. so many doubts... so little clarity and faith.
i want to run from this all... i want to take a long break. i want to start over and pretend that i never was apart of the life that is tearing me apart... but i dont know that i could be that heartless. i wish i never knew this pain... or the things that caused it. i cant run, but i cant stay here. im stuck =/ just like always.
life always hands me exactly the opposite than what i hope for.
but i will get into that later on...
-chelsea
there has been an incredible amount of stress the past couple of weeks. you could say that its not been the best experience.
i havent been writing nearly as much as i used to. i havent written in my journal since september 29. which, for me, is a LONG time. it had been 2 weeks since i had written before that. and the same with the time before that. it really sucks... i still love writing. but it almost seems that i have lost the motivation.
i did realize that when i stopped writing, i started to feel more confused about how i felt. i cant sort out my thoughts and i feel so unsure about what i do know.
there is a lot going on in my life right now... and i feel so so hurt by everything thats going on. but in moments like this, and seasons of craziness, i really want to trust God. i really want to believe that i dont have it so bad, and that God, above all else, is STILL IN CONTROL.
its so hard to trust Him... after everything that has happened in these short [but really long] 16 years, i dont want to have anything to do with Him. but because of what i know, i want to still hold onto Him, just like He is holding onto me.
ughhh this is all so hard.
i still dont know what to do about some issues... and i am relentlessly seeking for clarity from God in His reasons for allowing this all to happen. i am so tired of trying to hard to make this work... i wish that God could just be here in the way that i feel like i need Him to.
i dont like the feelings i get when i am alone... i know i am not, because God is so omnipresent. but i still feel so empty.... and i hate that. i wish i could make everything better. but this is all so out of my control. i hate feeling out of control of anything.
im holding on to the few things that i know...at least i am trying to, anyways. i dont have much hope in those, either. so many doubts... so little clarity and faith.
i want to run from this all... i want to take a long break. i want to start over and pretend that i never was apart of the life that is tearing me apart... but i dont know that i could be that heartless. i wish i never knew this pain... or the things that caused it. i cant run, but i cant stay here. im stuck =/ just like always.
life always hands me exactly the opposite than what i hope for.
but i will get into that later on...
-chelsea
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Just Listen.
Can you hear me? [you know I do]
I know you've gotten me to the peak of the mountain... [we did it together]
You've helped me over each steep rock and boulder. [it was a hard road, kid, but you held onto Me.]
but now i'm falling. [I see that]
i didnt mean to. [I know]
i just slipped and i kept tumbling [use this to help you to remember that once you get to the top, you cant just ignore Who got you there... you cant keep yourself up there alone.]
i should have tried harder. [there's no trying involved, you should have just let Me be who I am.]
so i have a question, Jesus. [ask away]
i know i dont really talk to You as much as i should or even acknowledge You, but i really need someone to catch me. [done]
i've hit a lot of things on my way down here. [I saw.... and it broke My heart to see you in pain]
and i've even tried to grab ahold of what i could, but they were only temporary footholds. [but you learned to not grab ahold of things that can only offer you a temporary bliss]
i remember you telling me awhile ago that the only way i could go about my life was with You. [I remember telling you that.]
i couldnt fly solo. [you couldnt fly at all]
so, um, i am embarrassed to say this, Jesus, but i really screwed up again. can You please catch me before i hit the bottom? [of course]
thats all i need... [you need more than that... but you know I have already caught you]
just dont let me crash. [you are already in My arms]
can You hear me? i need You to catch me. [why dont you listen to Me? I already caught you]
if i hit the bottom again Lord, can You just let me stay there? [you wont hit the bottom, I heard your cries, and I answered. please just stay quiet long enough to listen to Me]
cause everytime i fall, it hurts worse than it would if i just stayed down there. [child, YOU ARE IN MY ARMS.]
I know you've gotten me to the peak of the mountain... [we did it together]
You've helped me over each steep rock and boulder. [it was a hard road, kid, but you held onto Me.]
but now i'm falling. [I see that]
i didnt mean to. [I know]
i just slipped and i kept tumbling [use this to help you to remember that once you get to the top, you cant just ignore Who got you there... you cant keep yourself up there alone.]
i should have tried harder. [there's no trying involved, you should have just let Me be who I am.]
so i have a question, Jesus. [ask away]
i know i dont really talk to You as much as i should or even acknowledge You, but i really need someone to catch me. [done]
i've hit a lot of things on my way down here. [I saw.... and it broke My heart to see you in pain]
and i've even tried to grab ahold of what i could, but they were only temporary footholds. [but you learned to not grab ahold of things that can only offer you a temporary bliss]
i remember you telling me awhile ago that the only way i could go about my life was with You. [I remember telling you that.]
i couldnt fly solo. [you couldnt fly at all]
so, um, i am embarrassed to say this, Jesus, but i really screwed up again. can You please catch me before i hit the bottom? [of course]
thats all i need... [you need more than that... but you know I have already caught you]
just dont let me crash. [you are already in My arms]
can You hear me? i need You to catch me. [why dont you listen to Me? I already caught you]
if i hit the bottom again Lord, can You just let me stay there? [you wont hit the bottom, I heard your cries, and I answered. please just stay quiet long enough to listen to Me]
cause everytime i fall, it hurts worse than it would if i just stayed down there. [child, YOU ARE IN MY ARMS.]
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
You Are Holy.
what is there to say
to you in the midst of this
what is there to say
among this pain and bitterness
we cry to God our rock
why have you forgotten me?
why the mourning,
opression from the enemy?
i will put my hope in him
when theres nothing left to say
i will sing
you are holy
you are holy
only holy holy holy
(repeat?)
what is there to say
when theres nothing left to pray
what is there to say
when darkeness shadows our day?
you are holy
you are holy
only holy holy holy
(repeat?)
by chelsea
august 18, 2008
thanks to good ole david in the book of Psalms
*****
please dont put this to music yet. i know how i want it to sound...
to you in the midst of this
what is there to say
among this pain and bitterness
we cry to God our rock
why have you forgotten me?
why the mourning,
opression from the enemy?
i will put my hope in him
when theres nothing left to say
i will sing
you are holy
you are holy
only holy holy holy
(repeat?)
what is there to say
when theres nothing left to pray
what is there to say
when darkeness shadows our day?
you are holy
you are holy
only holy holy holy
(repeat?)
by chelsea
august 18, 2008
thanks to good ole david in the book of Psalms
*****
please dont put this to music yet. i know how i want it to sound...
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Jesus, carry me.
im home with my brother carter and the others.
my mommy had a miscarriage because Jesus had a different plan for my life.
**********************************
confusion was swirling around her like a violent tornado as anger and rage spewed from her flesh. while her tears flowed relentlessly, moans from the deepest part of her stomach escaped her chapped lips. her feet were bleeding and scorched from her journey across the flaming hot coals of her life. she was tired. tired of running from darkness. it seemed to follow her... begging her to stop so it could engulf her in its grimy grasp. but she had to keep running. she had nothing else to do. she couldnt stop, but she definitely felt like she could not go on.
she glanced back and saw the darkness. it was closing in. in horror she watched as it smiled at her while it grabbed someone she loved and consumed them in its revolting mouth. leaving only the memories she had of them. or didnt have.
why would God allow so much darkness and pain to be so present in her life? how many people was she going to lose? the darkness had eaten so much... and if it had not eaten them, he had wounded them or sent them far far away.
while she was looking back, she did not notice the thorny path she had inadvertently turned to. there were thorns of bitterness and doubt, animosity and hatred. when she turned around, the sharp vile branches grabbed at her face and arms causing her to bleed.
they were digging into her flesh, tearing at her skin. but all the while she kept running. across the hot coals, through the thorns, she ran. when the rain started to pour and the lightening started to strike, she was unmoved. she ran barely noticing her life changing as her pace quickened.
bleeding and broken, numbness took over her whole body.
she felt nothing.
and no desire to move forward.
so she stopped.
and sank down to her knees.
and with barely a whisper, she coughed out what she could through her parched throat and dry lips. the end of her sentence was carried off into the wind of the storms as a hint of light peaked through the black clouds.
"Jesus, i cant run anymore. carry me...."
by chelsea cameron
august 13, 2008
**********************************
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
reminiscing
12 days.
only 12 days until my brothers death anniversary.
i miss him so much.
i just wanna hold him again. i want to embrace his tiny little body and carry him on my hip and make him laugh and see his smile.
i miss him more than i can articulate.
i cant stop thinking about him and that whole week that he died...
i remember i was babysitting for a friend from like 9-3 or something. and i woke up and got dressed the day that he died and came downstairs. i sat there on the living room carpet and played with my brother and sister until it was time for my mom to take me. the carpet that he played on isnt even there anymore. my mom was standing in the kitchen telling me that i needed to wash my hands alot and be really careful to not get the little boy i was watching sick. carter had been throwing up and had a small fever i think it was. so she wanted me to be safe.
so i get to the house i am supposed to be babysitting at and say goodbye to my mom, sister, and carter. no kisses or hugs or anything... just a goodbye by word of mouth.
i dont remember anything much after that until i got a phone call from the child's mom asking if my mom called me yet. i answered that she hadnt and the lady told me that my mom was taking carter to the hospital and that my mom requested that i not go anywhere with my friends that day. i had planned to go see a movie with my friend... the lady told me that i shouldnt call my mom right away but to wait for her to call me. but um... hearing that my brother was going to the hospital, you know, made me a little freaked out. so i called her, of course. and when my mom answered i heard the sirens in the background. and my mom's frantic voice.
i didnt babysit the next day like i planned to. i was supposed to be watching the little boy wednesday-friday. i got the call on thursday...
on friday my grandma came to stay with us. i didnt want to be at the house though.
i was scared of what was going to happen, i wanted to see carter.
but a really good friend (mary dawn) came over and took me out for the day. we went to her mom's house, to target and ate lunchables in the parking lot on her car, we went to toys r us (so she could look at baby stuff for her unborn baby girl), and then we went to the movies. while we were in toys r us we ran into a few friends from church who i stood and talked to for a bit while mary dawn took a phone call outside. during that phone call, and im assuming a few others, she was given instructions to keep me busy for the day apparently. so a movie was the best choice to pass the time. i was a little confused cause she said earlier that a movie was too much $$ for the afternoon, but then she changed her mind like suddenly. but i totally didnt even think about it anymore till later that night. after the movie we went over to another church friends' (the nipps) house. and they were watching high school musical 2 or something.
i really wanted to leave... but we were supposed to ask my brother something or something like that. i wasnt really sure. anyways...
we ended up staying a little longer and while me and mary dawn were playing Guess Who?, my parents walked into their house... followed by my pastor and his wife.
i hugged my parents and stuff, but it all happened so fast that i didnt think to ask why they were there. they immediately walked into a back room of the house with my brother and stuff, so i followed. they sat us down on a couch and shut the door. it was just me, my brother jon, my mom, my dad, and our pastor and his wife. hailey was at my grandma's house where neither of them knew what was going on.
my dad knelt down in front of me, jon, and my mom. and told us that carter had been very sick... and the doctors did all they could.... but he died. i was just, like, woah. after he said that he was sick, i figured they were gonna tell us that he had some type of terminal illness that couldnt be cured or something. but when he said that i was like, what?!!?
my first thoughts were that life was going to be so different.
but i tried to run from that.
while mr. tombley (our pastor) talked to us about carter i barely listened. i couldn't.
he asked us if there was anything we wanted to say. and of course, i rambled on what was in my head. i said i didnt want to go to my mom's house that weekend, and that i still wanted to go to my best friend [julia]'s birthday party. and that i didnt want life to be any different. i wanted to keep going.
i didnt even cry.
i felt sick that whole time. like i was going to throw up.
i remember mrs. tombley leaving the room to go get us some water.
i remember my brother crying.
i remember me wanting to storm out of there.
when we finally moved i think i was the first one out.
i found mary dawn who hugged me. then i cried for the first time.
i told her i still wanted to stay at her house that night... there was no way i was staying at home.
when i walked into my house to get my stuff, like everyone from our church was in my living room. they were standing on the edges of the room with sad faces on. i remember feeling, like, awkward, cause it was like quiet when i walked in. i thought i was the first one from my family to arrive. my parents had gone to my grandma's house with our pastor to tell hailey and my grandma about carter. i figured out a little while later that jon was actually home. someone told me he was in his room and chris carter, our worship pastor, was trying to talk to jon. i walked in and chris was sitting on jon's bed, and jon was sitting underneath a pool table propped up against the wall like a tent. i asked chris how he was doing i think and then i climbed underneath the pool table with him. he was holding his baby blanket that he has kept for so long, and carter's baby blanket. i hugged him. and we both cried. he told me some of his heart breaking thoughts... and i felt so small and without control. i hated it.
i took the liberty to get on my parents computer and get online to ask one of my friends bethany to stay the night with me and mary dawn's. while i was talking to her, my mom came home. and seeing her like she was, i didnt know what to do. i think i could have handled it if there werent so many people there, but everything was a blur and i couldnt think straight. so we left.
mary dawn took me to her apartment where her husband adam and i went to pick up bethany. thats pretty much all i remember.
the next few days of me calling friends to tell them the news was all a blur. i stayed up late every night cause i couldnt sleep. the first night alone was the night before his funeral. i had stayed at mary dawn's apartment, my house with friends, and julia's house. i think i stayed at MD's apartment a few times.
then there was the funeral.
i wish i had paid attention to the service because i heard it was really good.
but i could not stop thinking about what i saw in that room where we said good bye to carter... i remember everything. the people, the sobbing, my sister's questions, my brother talking to one of my grandmothers, my aunt leaving the room, my other aunt crying... my mom and dad. looking at their son laying in a casket.
that was the first day i really really cried. i had teared up and sobbed before. but never at the same time. mostly i was angry and i threw temper tantrums when i was alone. then we watched a presentation that my dad made of carter... beginning with my mom dancing with carter and singing along to a foreshadowing song (Find Your Wings by Mark Harris). i saw one picture of me and him together... and i was full of regrets. i wish i could have been in more pictures with him like i am in a billion with my sister hailey.
so many thoughts were going through my head that day.
it was insane.
and i left out many details too.
i just cant stop thinking about him.
and that whole time period.
i wish we could just skip over these next few weeks... i dont want to remember anything more.
its just too much.
and it hurts incredibly.
i remember the morning he died, i posted a blog saying at the very end:
"So God, take control.... hold this whole ordeal in your hands. Help me to trust you. Show me i can trust you!!"
i trusted Him.
now what exactly does trusting mean?
Thursday, July 31, 2008
this is what the prayer room does to you.
it leaves me with verses small & simple.
there may be more coming?
**********************
make us tremble and role
start a fire in my soul
send an earthquake
leave our hearts awake
allow us to come alive
permit your living water to thrive
let your love dominate
set our paths straight
**********************
there may be more coming?
**********************
make us tremble and role
start a fire in my soul
send an earthquake
leave our hearts awake
allow us to come alive
permit your living water to thrive
let your love dominate
set our paths straight
**********************
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
washing my feet
my feet here
darkened by dirt
callused by fear
bruised by hurt
bleeding by temptation
needing ultimate
sanctification
i made the walk
to wash YOUR feet,
MASTER,
to drench YOU with perfume
and rich jars of alabaster
YOU wash my feet
take on my filth and grime
YOUR solid white robe dirtied
by my spiritual crime
YOU wash my feet
blistered and pained
darkened and beat
to be cleansed by YOUR blood stain.
i should be the one
kneeling before YOU.
serving the SON
with all i do.
but here YOU serve,
the MOST HIGH,
the KING of KINGS,
washing my feet
washing them clean.
YOU wash my feet
take on my filth and grime
YOUR solid white robe dirtied
by my spiritual crime
YOU wash my feet
blistered and pained
darkened and beat
now cleansed by YOUR blood stain.
but here YOU serve,
the MOST HIGH,
the KING of KINGS,
washing my feet
washing them clean.
chelsea cameron
july 8, 2008
darkened by dirt
callused by fear
bruised by hurt
bleeding by temptation
needing ultimate
sanctification
i made the walk
to wash YOUR feet,
MASTER,
to drench YOU with perfume
and rich jars of alabaster
YOU wash my feet
take on my filth and grime
YOUR solid white robe dirtied
by my spiritual crime
YOU wash my feet
blistered and pained
darkened and beat
to be cleansed by YOUR blood stain.
i should be the one
kneeling before YOU.
serving the SON
with all i do.
but here YOU serve,
the MOST HIGH,
the KING of KINGS,
washing my feet
washing them clean.
YOU wash my feet
take on my filth and grime
YOUR solid white robe dirtied
by my spiritual crime
YOU wash my feet
blistered and pained
darkened and beat
now cleansed by YOUR blood stain.
but here YOU serve,
the MOST HIGH,
the KING of KINGS,
washing my feet
washing them clean.
chelsea cameron
july 8, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
I'll Never Get There
this is really old just so you know... but i liked it enough to post it.
i'll never get there
the point of peace,
where chaos is at ease,
the happy space,
where joy is in its place,
is imaginary
somewhere i'll never be
i want to take a breath
of feeling alive
i want to conquer death
i want to survive
but i'll never get there
i'll never get where
i can see a change
i'll never get where
my life is rearranged
i'll never get where
i can see your plan
and take your hand
i really want to
but i cant
i'll never get there
no, i'll never get there
the clearness of the sky
makes me wonder why
my life is so cloudy
how deep will i go?
how deep?
i just want to take a breath
of feeling alive
i want to conquer death
i want to survive
but i'll never get there
i'll never get where
i can see a change
i'll never get where
my life is rearranged
i'll never get where
i can see your plan
and take your hand
i really want to
but i cant
i'll never get there
no, i'll never get there
i need something!
to tell me
to tell me a way
that i can feel okay
i'll never get where
i can see a change
i'll never get where
my life is rearranged
i'll never get where
i can see your plan
and take your hand
i really want to
but i cant
i'll never get there
no, i'll never get there
i'll never get there
the point of peace,
where chaos is at ease,
the happy space,
where joy is in its place,
is imaginary
somewhere i'll never be
i want to take a breath
of feeling alive
i want to conquer death
i want to survive
but i'll never get there
i'll never get where
i can see a change
i'll never get where
my life is rearranged
i'll never get where
i can see your plan
and take your hand
i really want to
but i cant
i'll never get there
no, i'll never get there
the clearness of the sky
makes me wonder why
my life is so cloudy
how deep will i go?
how deep?
i just want to take a breath
of feeling alive
i want to conquer death
i want to survive
but i'll never get there
i'll never get where
i can see a change
i'll never get where
my life is rearranged
i'll never get where
i can see your plan
and take your hand
i really want to
but i cant
i'll never get there
no, i'll never get there
i need something!
to tell me
to tell me a way
that i can feel okay
i'll never get where
i can see a change
i'll never get where
my life is rearranged
i'll never get where
i can see your plan
and take your hand
i really want to
but i cant
i'll never get there
no, i'll never get there
Friday, June 13, 2008
let the rain wash away
you paint on a face
a mask, a lie
you're running a race
of a fake life
you think they cant see
you're hurting inside
cant be free
but you cant hide
they do it too
the mask everyday
isnt waterproof
your tears wash it away
but the storms are coming
and everyone will see
that you've been running
from who you're meant to be
let the rain wash away
the pain you've been trying to hide
let the rain wash away
all your hurt inside
let the rain wash away
your painted lie
let the rain wash away
your fake life
you wish you could take
a genuine breath
cause you were a fake
to the point of a living death
numbness was your stance
no motivation
never a chance
you live on hesitations
but the storms are coming
and everyone will see
that you've been running
from who you're meant to be
let the rain wash away
the pain you've been trying to hide
let the rain wash away
all your hurt inside
let the rain wash away
your painted lie
let the rain wash away
your fake life
you want to change
but the mask is glued on
hiding the pain
you cant go on
let the rain wash away
the pain you've been trying to hide
let the rain wash away
all your hurt inside
let the rain wash away
your painted lie
let the rain wash away
your fake life
a mask, a lie
you're running a race
of a fake life
you think they cant see
you're hurting inside
cant be free
but you cant hide
they do it too
the mask everyday
isnt waterproof
your tears wash it away
but the storms are coming
and everyone will see
that you've been running
from who you're meant to be
let the rain wash away
the pain you've been trying to hide
let the rain wash away
all your hurt inside
let the rain wash away
your painted lie
let the rain wash away
your fake life
you wish you could take
a genuine breath
cause you were a fake
to the point of a living death
numbness was your stance
no motivation
never a chance
you live on hesitations
but the storms are coming
and everyone will see
that you've been running
from who you're meant to be
let the rain wash away
the pain you've been trying to hide
let the rain wash away
all your hurt inside
let the rain wash away
your painted lie
let the rain wash away
your fake life
you want to change
but the mask is glued on
hiding the pain
you cant go on
let the rain wash away
the pain you've been trying to hide
let the rain wash away
all your hurt inside
let the rain wash away
your painted lie
let the rain wash away
your fake life
"my daddy left"
"my daddy left"
he left for good.
why is she hurt?
she knew he would.
she had hoped for a change
that he would realize what he had
maybe a new start,
maybe things wouldnt be so bad
but this time he was gone for real
& there was no going back
she remembered seeing him kneel
& bend down to pack
he left them all
his daughters & his son
leaving his wife to bawl,
in arm, a child of one
she, almost 16 years old,
became the strength of her home
the father of the household
doing her job alone
she had moments of anguish
where life seemed unleashed
by now all hope had vanquished
& there was minimum relief
she dreaded going to sleep
for fear of the next day
her wounds were too deep
as her nightmares were there to stay
would he ever come home?
would it ever be the same?
undeserving of his title,.
"daddy" & "father" were stripped from his name.
he left for good.
why is she hurt?
she knew he would.
she had hoped for a change
that he would realize what he had
maybe a new start,
maybe things wouldnt be so bad
but this time he was gone for real
& there was no going back
she remembered seeing him kneel
& bend down to pack
he left them all
his daughters & his son
leaving his wife to bawl,
in arm, a child of one
she, almost 16 years old,
became the strength of her home
the father of the household
doing her job alone
she had moments of anguish
where life seemed unleashed
by now all hope had vanquished
& there was minimum relief
she dreaded going to sleep
for fear of the next day
her wounds were too deep
as her nightmares were there to stay
would he ever come home?
would it ever be the same?
undeserving of his title,.
"daddy" & "father" were stripped from his name.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Irony of Life
i've come to know you through your silence
our friendship has increased by your absense
the irony of life makes complete sense
as confusion attacks me relentless
i've come to hate you through your love
and i've denied the hope of life through death
through our fellowship, i have found solitude
and now i'm suffocating by your breath
i understand peace through living in pain
coldness washes over me through promised warmth
i've experienced drought despite the rain
seeking light became a dream as darkness swarmed
when will i stop falling down,
and start to stand up?
when will i retire from being a clown,
take off my mask, and be myself?
our friendship has increased by your absense
the irony of life makes complete sense
as confusion attacks me relentless
i've come to hate you through your love
and i've denied the hope of life through death
through our fellowship, i have found solitude
and now i'm suffocating by your breath
i understand peace through living in pain
coldness washes over me through promised warmth
i've experienced drought despite the rain
seeking light became a dream as darkness swarmed
when will i stop falling down,
and start to stand up?
when will i retire from being a clown,
take off my mask, and be myself?
Friday, May 30, 2008
Just Take a Deep Breath
so lately i have been really overwhelmed with my crazy schedule and last night i had a little "break down". as i spewed everything out to my mom, tears just continued to flow. and to make a long story short, my mom eventually left my room for a minute and hailey came and sat in my bed with me.
she gave me a hug just as any other almost 5 year old would do.
but she didnt let go.
she just held onto me. and that just made me cry all over again. and harder than the first time. hailey rubbed my back as i sobbed into her little shoulders and held her tightly. she whispered continually: "its okay, chelsea. its okay." finally she pulled away. i expected her to go back in her bed or something, but instead, she placed her hands on my shoulders and said, "Okay, just take a deep breath. Like this [and she demonstrated how to take the deep breath]."
I know that may not seem worth a blog, but that made a difference in my attitude for the rest of the night. I am so thankful for what i have here... my sister Hailey means the world to me.
be expecting a new blog soon...
thanks for your time
-chelsea
she gave me a hug just as any other almost 5 year old would do.
but she didnt let go.
she just held onto me. and that just made me cry all over again. and harder than the first time. hailey rubbed my back as i sobbed into her little shoulders and held her tightly. she whispered continually: "its okay, chelsea. its okay." finally she pulled away. i expected her to go back in her bed or something, but instead, she placed her hands on my shoulders and said, "Okay, just take a deep breath. Like this [and she demonstrated how to take the deep breath]."
I know that may not seem worth a blog, but that made a difference in my attitude for the rest of the night. I am so thankful for what i have here... my sister Hailey means the world to me.
be expecting a new blog soon...
thanks for your time
-chelsea
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
i want you.
i see you as your scars grow deep
i watch as your pain engulfs you
as relentless dreams haunt your sleep
while you try to cover the truth
your fingers cover your grieved ears
drowning out all motivation
the thoughts of yours consumed with fear
you cry with no hesitation
the small tears turn into rivers
blood flows from your perilous knife
pain, not worth what it delivers
you wish you could come back to life.
*********************************************************
hope. cant you see My hope??
i can set you free!
i can split the chains and ropes!
i am your victory!
just take my hand!
i know its not fluent and painless...
but its better than this land.
wouldnt you like to be stainless?
i want you.
i want you to be mine.
i want you to want me.
i want you to let me shine.
i want you, child.
i want you.
what else could i say?
for nothing else this day
could ever describe
the way i want you.
just take My hand....
***************************************************
i watch as your pain engulfs you
as relentless dreams haunt your sleep
while you try to cover the truth
your fingers cover your grieved ears
drowning out all motivation
the thoughts of yours consumed with fear
you cry with no hesitation
the small tears turn into rivers
blood flows from your perilous knife
pain, not worth what it delivers
you wish you could come back to life.
*********************************************************
hope. cant you see My hope??
i can set you free!
i can split the chains and ropes!
i am your victory!
just take my hand!
i know its not fluent and painless...
but its better than this land.
wouldnt you like to be stainless?
i want you.
i want you to be mine.
i want you to want me.
i want you to let me shine.
i want you, child.
i want you.
what else could i say?
for nothing else this day
could ever describe
the way i want you.
just take My hand....
***************************************************
Sunday, April 27, 2008
renewed. again.
ok so yall havent seen a blog from me in like a month and a half.
and that is mostly because this past month and a half has been HORRIBLE.
it consisted of me being completely depressed and hating the world.
i had no energy to do anything and i was always tired.
of course, i had my moments of bliss & false happiness.
but nothing could truly compare to the new contentment i discovered after giving my heart back to God on Thursday, April 24.
i had decided a month or so before then that i WAS NOT going to come back to God.
i was tired of FEELING LIKE HE WASNT THERE.
i had no evidence of his prescense around me.
so i gave up.
i was weak.
but then.
it seemed that everyone gave me the words i needed to hear ALL AT ONCE to convince me that i needed God.
God is not a FEELING.
whether or not i feel God should not define my relationship with him.
i jepordized my faith in him because i could not physically see him.
since God is not a feeling, my faith should be based on what i know.
and over the years what i have learned and now know of God oversteps the darkness i was living in. my hatred towards Him was not genuine because of the knowledge i have deep down that GOD LOVES ME. his love for me exceeds my pain. while i cant feel it, i KNOW it. and that it what i have to base my faith on. and that, is really hard.
faith is one of the hardest things i know.
its like stepping into thin air.
into invisible arms to catch me.
The Sun disappears at night. And we have no immediate evidence that it even exists.
we can see the sun's effect on creation. but we cannot physically see the Sun in the middle of the night. But we have hope that the Sun will rise in the morning.
The Son may appear to disappear in the darkness of doubt and hate[night]. and i may have no immediate evidence that He exists. and i can see His effect on humanity and my life. but i cannot physically see the Son. But i have hope that the Son will rise & shine- even in the midst of the mourning.
after a weekend of fasting i have learned much about being a follower of God.
for example:
before i gave my life back to God, i felt weak and depressed.
then after that i felt enriched.
but then i entered into a weekend of fasting, (40-Hour Famine) where i felt weak and depressed.
both times that i felt weak and depressed had to do with a deep hunger. the first hunger was spiritual. and i didnt always recognize that i was Spiritually hungry. but i realized how hungry i really had been after i became filled.
when i was fasting, i was physically hungry. i felt weak and tired. and i didnt always recognize that i was hungry then, either. i didnt feel hunger pains at times... but i saw the result of my hunger- a grumpy emotional mess. the same as my spiritual hunger.
but it was my spiritual enrichment from thursday that helped me stand steadfast during my physical hunger.
and now that i have experienced spiritual hunger & physical hunger and ultimate enrichment- i can handle tomorrow. what was supposed to be Carter's Second Birthday.
the day will be hard... for me & the whole family.
but we can do it.
keep us in your prayers, please.
they are needed and well noticed :D
and that is mostly because this past month and a half has been HORRIBLE.
it consisted of me being completely depressed and hating the world.
i had no energy to do anything and i was always tired.
of course, i had my moments of bliss & false happiness.
but nothing could truly compare to the new contentment i discovered after giving my heart back to God on Thursday, April 24.
i had decided a month or so before then that i WAS NOT going to come back to God.
i was tired of FEELING LIKE HE WASNT THERE.
i had no evidence of his prescense around me.
so i gave up.
i was weak.
but then.
it seemed that everyone gave me the words i needed to hear ALL AT ONCE to convince me that i needed God.
God is not a FEELING.
whether or not i feel God should not define my relationship with him.
i jepordized my faith in him because i could not physically see him.
since God is not a feeling, my faith should be based on what i know.
and over the years what i have learned and now know of God oversteps the darkness i was living in. my hatred towards Him was not genuine because of the knowledge i have deep down that GOD LOVES ME. his love for me exceeds my pain. while i cant feel it, i KNOW it. and that it what i have to base my faith on. and that, is really hard.
faith is one of the hardest things i know.
its like stepping into thin air.
into invisible arms to catch me.
The Sun disappears at night. And we have no immediate evidence that it even exists.
we can see the sun's effect on creation. but we cannot physically see the Sun in the middle of the night. But we have hope that the Sun will rise in the morning.
The Son may appear to disappear in the darkness of doubt and hate[night]. and i may have no immediate evidence that He exists. and i can see His effect on humanity and my life. but i cannot physically see the Son. But i have hope that the Son will rise & shine- even in the midst of the mourning.
after a weekend of fasting i have learned much about being a follower of God.
for example:
before i gave my life back to God, i felt weak and depressed.
then after that i felt enriched.
but then i entered into a weekend of fasting, (40-Hour Famine) where i felt weak and depressed.
both times that i felt weak and depressed had to do with a deep hunger. the first hunger was spiritual. and i didnt always recognize that i was Spiritually hungry. but i realized how hungry i really had been after i became filled.
when i was fasting, i was physically hungry. i felt weak and tired. and i didnt always recognize that i was hungry then, either. i didnt feel hunger pains at times... but i saw the result of my hunger- a grumpy emotional mess. the same as my spiritual hunger.
but it was my spiritual enrichment from thursday that helped me stand steadfast during my physical hunger.
and now that i have experienced spiritual hunger & physical hunger and ultimate enrichment- i can handle tomorrow. what was supposed to be Carter's Second Birthday.
the day will be hard... for me & the whole family.
but we can do it.
keep us in your prayers, please.
they are needed and well noticed :D
Sunday, March 9, 2008
untitled. unless you can think of one for me....
i wrote this last night... its not about me so don't freak out.
the ending is kinda stupid but o well... i couldn't end it at the *dramatic pause* or yall would think that i need mental help.
********
the thunder cracked as
her heart shattered in two
she slipped on a jacket
and left all she knew
the rain drenched her clothes
as tears flooded her eyes
no one knows,
but inside her soul cries
her feet begin to pick up pace
as she was called back home
she turned her head and started to race
her mind was as set as stone
finding a nearby plant
morality and vanity merged
her heart rants
as her brokenness purged
she threw up all of her pain
then took her knife through her tears
tempted to cut through the nearest vein
as torment screams in her ears:
"there's nothing left to do
just take your place
you're torn in two
death is your haste"
the sidewalk shrunk in her eye
as she stepped off the curb
she walked in front of a semi
and left the world without a word
*dramatic pause*
or her ending could change
and the rain could stop
her story rearranged
her conclusion could take a flop
a rainbow could peek through
and she could decide to go home
and be met with the words: "i love you"
and "my child, you are not alone"
the semi's horn blared
and slammed on his brake
she just stared
not knowing what decision to make
in the last second she fell faint
and was pushed out of the way
carried by an unknown "saint"-
a Hero, the Giver of Life, who saved the day
********
the ending is kinda stupid but o well... i couldn't end it at the *dramatic pause* or yall would think that i need mental help.
********
the thunder cracked as
her heart shattered in two
she slipped on a jacket
and left all she knew
the rain drenched her clothes
as tears flooded her eyes
no one knows,
but inside her soul cries
her feet begin to pick up pace
as she was called back home
she turned her head and started to race
her mind was as set as stone
finding a nearby plant
morality and vanity merged
her heart rants
as her brokenness purged
she threw up all of her pain
then took her knife through her tears
tempted to cut through the nearest vein
as torment screams in her ears:
"there's nothing left to do
just take your place
you're torn in two
death is your haste"
the sidewalk shrunk in her eye
as she stepped off the curb
she walked in front of a semi
and left the world without a word
*dramatic pause*
or her ending could change
and the rain could stop
her story rearranged
her conclusion could take a flop
a rainbow could peek through
and she could decide to go home
and be met with the words: "i love you"
and "my child, you are not alone"
the semi's horn blared
and slammed on his brake
she just stared
not knowing what decision to make
in the last second she fell faint
and was pushed out of the way
carried by an unknown "saint"-
a Hero, the Giver of Life, who saved the day
********
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Hold on to Me
shattered, battered, and beat
my heart is at my feet
to feel broken
is the image of my soul
but His words are spoken:
"I can make you whole"
hold on to me
dont let go
this is my plea
i need to know
that you wont let go
Bruised, used, and bleeding
I need something more-
My pain is pleading
Something worth living for
I start to slip
Please hold my grip
hold on to me
dont let go
this is my plea
i need to know
that you wont let go
feeling this intense pain
my heart throbbing in spasms
slipping out of its domain
falling into a bottomless chasm
hold on to me
dont let go
this is my plea
i need to know
that you wont let go
and now
there you stand
palms facing the sky
you grab my hand
and let me cry
making your vow
that you will-
hold on to me
and not let go
you know my plea
and now i know
that you wont let go
my heart is at my feet
to feel broken
is the image of my soul
but His words are spoken:
"I can make you whole"
hold on to me
dont let go
this is my plea
i need to know
that you wont let go
Bruised, used, and bleeding
I need something more-
My pain is pleading
Something worth living for
I start to slip
Please hold my grip
hold on to me
dont let go
this is my plea
i need to know
that you wont let go
feeling this intense pain
my heart throbbing in spasms
slipping out of its domain
falling into a bottomless chasm
hold on to me
dont let go
this is my plea
i need to know
that you wont let go
and now
there you stand
palms facing the sky
you grab my hand
and let me cry
making your vow
that you will-
hold on to me
and not let go
you know my plea
and now i know
that you wont let go
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
At the Dinner Table---Over a Plate of Spaghetti
"Dear God,
Thank you for my food.
I love you, God.
And thank you for baby carter too.
Amen."
-From the words of Hailey, my precious 4-year old sister.
Thank you, God for her innocence...
And thank you for her memory. I pray she never forgets Carter's abbreviated life.
I thank you that she remembers the way "i share with him and hold him and tickles him and he laughs" [her own words].
I thank you that she doesnt understand the intensity of what has really happened to us. I thank you that, when she says that she wants to go play with Carter and "be died" too, she doesnt really mean it or even comprehend what that really means.
I thank you that you are holding her in your arms.
And that you are in control.
Please help me to remember that-even when i feel like im at rock bottom.
Help me to trust you.
Help me come back...
Thank you for my food.
I love you, God.
And thank you for baby carter too.
Amen."
-From the words of Hailey, my precious 4-year old sister.
Thank you, God for her innocence...
And thank you for her memory. I pray she never forgets Carter's abbreviated life.
I thank you that she remembers the way "i share with him and hold him and tickles him and he laughs" [her own words].
I thank you that she doesnt understand the intensity of what has really happened to us. I thank you that, when she says that she wants to go play with Carter and "be died" too, she doesnt really mean it or even comprehend what that really means.
I thank you that you are holding her in your arms.
And that you are in control.
Please help me to remember that-even when i feel like im at rock bottom.
Help me to trust you.
Help me come back...
Saturday, February 16, 2008
a psalm followed by a thought or two
Psalm 139--- and MY responses
1 O LORD, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
-Even my deepest pain
2 You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I'm far away.
-You know that I didn’t stand to receive my pastor’s blessing on the congregation because I thought I wasn’t worth it. You know that I feel right now even though I am far from you… I have drifted so much.
3 You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.
-You watch my steps every time I leave my house. And you watch me when I am at home. You see me lie awake at night begging for something to numb my existing pain…
4 You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, LORD.
-it hurts me to think of your thoughts when you heard my words today. And it hurts me more that I don’t trust you to help me change….
5 You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.
-But God, I know that you are in front and behind me, but where are you on my left and my right sides? And why do you say that you will place the blessings on my head? Why not in my hands directly? Are you trying to say that I need to work harder to reach something higher?
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!
-this is hard for me to admit, but I honestly don’t understand you God. I hate not knowing your will.
7 I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!
-This is kind of annoying… but I like it too. It keeps me from not only physical harm, but emotional and spiritual harm too. You keep me in line…
8 If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave,* you are there.
-you will follow me to the grave? I don’t understand…
9/10 If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.
-No matter how far away from HOME (spiritual/physical) you will guide me and keep me standing up.
11/12 I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night—but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you.
-Even though I try to hide my feelings in the dark, to you they shine brighter than day.
13/14 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
-You made me. I was not a product of man and neither shall I become a product of man and the world in which we live. I am a product of you and my present goal is to act like it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
-You watched as the most vital parts of my body were being formed from nothing…
16 You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.
-You planned every single day of my life, but that still makes me wonder… if you know whats gonna happen then why should I pray about it? You already know….
17 How precious are your thoughts about me,* O God.
They cannot be numbered!
-HAHA you think I’M precious?!
18 I can't even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
you are still with me!
-God, Day by day, night by night… I am in awe of YOUR perseverance. If I were God I would be so sick of me. My own creation disgracing my name every seconds by numerous acts of distrust and lack of faith… I would hate me if I were you.
19 O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!
Get out of my life, you murderers!
-Emotional murderers…. Those who have hurt me DON’T have the power to still control me. I refuse to let their words and actions kill my spirit.
20 They blaspheme you;
your enemies misuse your name.
-i am not sure how to respond to this… I misuse your name, God. I deserve the worst…
21/22 O LORD, shouldn't I hate those who hate you?
Shouldn't I despise those who oppose you?
Yes, I hate them with total hatred,
for your enemies are my enemies.
-I don’t know what to say to this either… I thought you said to love our enemies. Even you love them But why does this say to hate them?
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
-I don’t know if I want to be tested anymore. Cant you wait until I am strong again? Your last test is still wearing me out.
24 Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.
-I already know what you are pointing out in me that offends You.
I want to change from that. Right now its like I am trying to walk down both paths.. one to righteousness… one to destruction. But the farther I get down each the farther my feet are being torn apart-and God, I suck at the splits. Soon, im gonna fall. Push me back over to the right side….
1 O LORD, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
-Even my deepest pain
2 You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I'm far away.
-You know that I didn’t stand to receive my pastor’s blessing on the congregation because I thought I wasn’t worth it. You know that I feel right now even though I am far from you… I have drifted so much.
3 You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.
-You watch my steps every time I leave my house. And you watch me when I am at home. You see me lie awake at night begging for something to numb my existing pain…
4 You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, LORD.
-it hurts me to think of your thoughts when you heard my words today. And it hurts me more that I don’t trust you to help me change….
5 You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.
-But God, I know that you are in front and behind me, but where are you on my left and my right sides? And why do you say that you will place the blessings on my head? Why not in my hands directly? Are you trying to say that I need to work harder to reach something higher?
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!
-this is hard for me to admit, but I honestly don’t understand you God. I hate not knowing your will.
7 I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!
-This is kind of annoying… but I like it too. It keeps me from not only physical harm, but emotional and spiritual harm too. You keep me in line…
8 If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave,* you are there.
-you will follow me to the grave? I don’t understand…
9/10 If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.
-No matter how far away from HOME (spiritual/physical) you will guide me and keep me standing up.
11/12 I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night—but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you.
-Even though I try to hide my feelings in the dark, to you they shine brighter than day.
13/14 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
-You made me. I was not a product of man and neither shall I become a product of man and the world in which we live. I am a product of you and my present goal is to act like it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
-You watched as the most vital parts of my body were being formed from nothing…
16 You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.
-You planned every single day of my life, but that still makes me wonder… if you know whats gonna happen then why should I pray about it? You already know….
17 How precious are your thoughts about me,* O God.
They cannot be numbered!
-HAHA you think I’M precious?!
18 I can't even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
you are still with me!
-God, Day by day, night by night… I am in awe of YOUR perseverance. If I were God I would be so sick of me. My own creation disgracing my name every seconds by numerous acts of distrust and lack of faith… I would hate me if I were you.
19 O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!
Get out of my life, you murderers!
-Emotional murderers…. Those who have hurt me DON’T have the power to still control me. I refuse to let their words and actions kill my spirit.
20 They blaspheme you;
your enemies misuse your name.
-i am not sure how to respond to this… I misuse your name, God. I deserve the worst…
21/22 O LORD, shouldn't I hate those who hate you?
Shouldn't I despise those who oppose you?
Yes, I hate them with total hatred,
for your enemies are my enemies.
-I don’t know what to say to this either… I thought you said to love our enemies. Even you love them But why does this say to hate them?
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
-I don’t know if I want to be tested anymore. Cant you wait until I am strong again? Your last test is still wearing me out.
24 Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.
-I already know what you are pointing out in me that offends You.
I want to change from that. Right now its like I am trying to walk down both paths.. one to righteousness… one to destruction. But the farther I get down each the farther my feet are being torn apart-and God, I suck at the splits. Soon, im gonna fall. Push me back over to the right side….
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Cinderella
so last night was homecoming.and after a series of really unfortunate events the night was actually ok.
all that mattered was that i got to wear a pretty princess dress and felt like a cinderella. but you know what?
even cinderella had trials that made life pretty much suck. i mean her closest friend- her dad- died and left her with a horrible family whom she couldnt escape from. and then after she finally made a beautiful dress and felt like for once everything would be ok her step sister tore her dress apart along with her heart. then when cinderella was crying in the courtyard her fairy god mother showed up and gave light to what little hope she had left. cinderella was going to the ball. but even after she got to dance with the prince and experience true love she had to turn back into a "normal girl" again. but when the only evidence that she was the girl that the prince wanted to marry was locked away in a dark and desolate attic cinderella still clung to some sort of hope. her only friends-the mice- helped cinderella escape from her attic room and prove that she was the woman that the prince danced with.
so in her life she had a happy ending. but she sure went through alot to get there.
even though last night was difficult and there were definitely things that went wrong that i couldnt fix that could have made the night miserable but none of that matters. i am a cinderella. cause jesus calls me his daughter and he is a king. so my journey to be the perfect princess will only prove effortless because it wont be perfect until the day i stand before the king and he tells me "you have done well my good and faithful servant".
i dont know if that makes any sense but the summary of that is this: all of us who claim to be children of God are either princesses or princes. and right now it looks like we are just sweeping up the ashes from our broken hearts and wiping the sweat from our weary and stressed brows.... but someday we will sit next to our KING and claim our crown. each trial will prove worthy of our eternal reward when we get there- and WHEN we get there. (we dont see it now of course... but thats another whole topic to discuss.)
all that mattered was that i got to wear a pretty princess dress and felt like a cinderella. but you know what?
even cinderella had trials that made life pretty much suck. i mean her closest friend- her dad- died and left her with a horrible family whom she couldnt escape from. and then after she finally made a beautiful dress and felt like for once everything would be ok her step sister tore her dress apart along with her heart. then when cinderella was crying in the courtyard her fairy god mother showed up and gave light to what little hope she had left. cinderella was going to the ball. but even after she got to dance with the prince and experience true love she had to turn back into a "normal girl" again. but when the only evidence that she was the girl that the prince wanted to marry was locked away in a dark and desolate attic cinderella still clung to some sort of hope. her only friends-the mice- helped cinderella escape from her attic room and prove that she was the woman that the prince danced with.
so in her life she had a happy ending. but she sure went through alot to get there.
even though last night was difficult and there were definitely things that went wrong that i couldnt fix that could have made the night miserable but none of that matters. i am a cinderella. cause jesus calls me his daughter and he is a king. so my journey to be the perfect princess will only prove effortless because it wont be perfect until the day i stand before the king and he tells me "you have done well my good and faithful servant".
i dont know if that makes any sense but the summary of that is this: all of us who claim to be children of God are either princesses or princes. and right now it looks like we are just sweeping up the ashes from our broken hearts and wiping the sweat from our weary and stressed brows.... but someday we will sit next to our KING and claim our crown. each trial will prove worthy of our eternal reward when we get there- and WHEN we get there. (we dont see it now of course... but thats another whole topic to discuss.)
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
beauty of an old ugly tree
so i havent done a blog in awhile... i guess it would be about two weeks.
no biggie though. not much has happened. just me getting on computer restriction then getting off it.
but we wont talk about that. haha.
well to tell you the truth, i have slipped alot the past few weeks. christmas was hard for me. and it was hard to control all the emotions that came with the holiday. i think i sank into being depressed again. not as bad though. [maybe cause i know i can get out of it this time?]
i dont really wanna get everything out right now and give you all the details but the past few weeks have just been difficult for me and i cried alot. and i kinda wanna cry now.
only because i think i am getting stronger. and i am maturing. last night i was on the phone pretty late past the time i am allowed to be on... i had alot on my mind that NEEDED to get out before i just broke down. and it was good that i got it out. but the timing wasnt right. i knew i wasnt supposed to be on the phone. but i did it anyways. even though i dont agree with my parents' rules as they always say I AM STILL UNDER THEIR ROOF. and i need to obey.
so after i got off the phone last night i thought about writing my dad a note telling him what i did wrong. and asking forgiveness. not to get out of the punishment, but just because i felt SO guilty and couldnt sleep because of the holy spirit convicting me. i know that there is a small possibility that he already knew that i was on the phone but i am not sure. i dont care either. i just know that when i got home from school i got my cell phone and i called him. i told him that i was on the phone past hours and that i am sorry. when he told me to put my phone downstairs with his stuff i did. i am ready for the consequences.
but you know whats weird, but probably normal? as soon as i got off the phone and took it downstairs i felt strange. like i was thinking: "oh chels you shouldnt have done that. if he DID find out you coulda lied and got around it." but then i was like "what the heck?! where did that come from? i cant lie to my dad! what i did was right. no matter how much the punishment is going to effect me." and i really cant lie to my parents. i love them too much. but i know for sure that even though i havent been punished. after i got off the phone i felt extremely guilty. and i hate hearing the tone in my dad's voice when he told me to give him my phone. but then he said "thanks for being honest." and then i thought oh maybe that means i wont get in that much trouble. or maybe it means i willl be in more cause it means he didnt already know and i just got myself into some mess that could have been prevented. i dont know what i was thinking. but i know that i feel horrible for once again dishonoring my parents. i feel like i have failed myself. THIS IS NOT WHO I AM SUPPOSED TO BE.
i feel horrible for that. i feel like everytime i disobey or disrespect my mom or dad that i am hurting them. and i CANNOT stand hurting people.
so right now i am struggling knowing that i did the right thing but not looking foward to the consequences. though i WILL accept them this time.
i guess thats all i have for today. alot has gone on that has put me in a bad mood. but i know that i will be alright eventually.
actually no. i have one more thing to say. mostly this is for me so that i remember it.
on sunday a man that i look up to tremendously told me something i dont think i will ever forget.
it was an experience he had just days before he shared the story with me. its actually more of a symbolic story. here it is:
he was standing in his garage looking out of his window into his backyard where a huge tree stood with naked branches. the tree looked ugly. at first glance he probably wondered why it even existed. but then he saw a beautiful bird with a wide wingspan that stretched farther than his own arms. and he just stood and watched the bird for awhile. he thought of how it would be impossible to see the beauty of the bird if the tree was covered in its well-formed leaves and greenery.
during the seasons of our lives when we appear revolting and repulsive because of our pain and suffering it is for a reason. ourselves and others would not be able to see the beauty that would come from it if we were "normal". if i had not gone through the pain of losing my baby brother and its effects on my family i dont think i would be to be as "beautiful" as i will someday be. others would miss the beautiful "bird" hiding in the greenery. notice that it was winter time that the man looked at the tree. it was without leaves. meaning that there are seasons in our life where we dont have the devine beauty to make us look like we are "okay". but the tree still has those roots. the roots that promise that come spring time it will bloom again.
i still have the roots inside of me that promise that i will make it through. and i pray that Jesus is the bird that you all see in me during this harsh cold winter.
-chelsea
no biggie though. not much has happened. just me getting on computer restriction then getting off it.
but we wont talk about that. haha.
well to tell you the truth, i have slipped alot the past few weeks. christmas was hard for me. and it was hard to control all the emotions that came with the holiday. i think i sank into being depressed again. not as bad though. [maybe cause i know i can get out of it this time?]
i dont really wanna get everything out right now and give you all the details but the past few weeks have just been difficult for me and i cried alot. and i kinda wanna cry now.
only because i think i am getting stronger. and i am maturing. last night i was on the phone pretty late past the time i am allowed to be on... i had alot on my mind that NEEDED to get out before i just broke down. and it was good that i got it out. but the timing wasnt right. i knew i wasnt supposed to be on the phone. but i did it anyways. even though i dont agree with my parents' rules as they always say I AM STILL UNDER THEIR ROOF. and i need to obey.
so after i got off the phone last night i thought about writing my dad a note telling him what i did wrong. and asking forgiveness. not to get out of the punishment, but just because i felt SO guilty and couldnt sleep because of the holy spirit convicting me. i know that there is a small possibility that he already knew that i was on the phone but i am not sure. i dont care either. i just know that when i got home from school i got my cell phone and i called him. i told him that i was on the phone past hours and that i am sorry. when he told me to put my phone downstairs with his stuff i did. i am ready for the consequences.
but you know whats weird, but probably normal? as soon as i got off the phone and took it downstairs i felt strange. like i was thinking: "oh chels you shouldnt have done that. if he DID find out you coulda lied and got around it." but then i was like "what the heck?! where did that come from? i cant lie to my dad! what i did was right. no matter how much the punishment is going to effect me." and i really cant lie to my parents. i love them too much. but i know for sure that even though i havent been punished. after i got off the phone i felt extremely guilty. and i hate hearing the tone in my dad's voice when he told me to give him my phone. but then he said "thanks for being honest." and then i thought oh maybe that means i wont get in that much trouble. or maybe it means i willl be in more cause it means he didnt already know and i just got myself into some mess that could have been prevented. i dont know what i was thinking. but i know that i feel horrible for once again dishonoring my parents. i feel like i have failed myself. THIS IS NOT WHO I AM SUPPOSED TO BE.
i feel horrible for that. i feel like everytime i disobey or disrespect my mom or dad that i am hurting them. and i CANNOT stand hurting people.
so right now i am struggling knowing that i did the right thing but not looking foward to the consequences. though i WILL accept them this time.
i guess thats all i have for today. alot has gone on that has put me in a bad mood. but i know that i will be alright eventually.
actually no. i have one more thing to say. mostly this is for me so that i remember it.
on sunday a man that i look up to tremendously told me something i dont think i will ever forget.
it was an experience he had just days before he shared the story with me. its actually more of a symbolic story. here it is:
he was standing in his garage looking out of his window into his backyard where a huge tree stood with naked branches. the tree looked ugly. at first glance he probably wondered why it even existed. but then he saw a beautiful bird with a wide wingspan that stretched farther than his own arms. and he just stood and watched the bird for awhile. he thought of how it would be impossible to see the beauty of the bird if the tree was covered in its well-formed leaves and greenery.
during the seasons of our lives when we appear revolting and repulsive because of our pain and suffering it is for a reason. ourselves and others would not be able to see the beauty that would come from it if we were "normal". if i had not gone through the pain of losing my baby brother and its effects on my family i dont think i would be to be as "beautiful" as i will someday be. others would miss the beautiful "bird" hiding in the greenery. notice that it was winter time that the man looked at the tree. it was without leaves. meaning that there are seasons in our life where we dont have the devine beauty to make us look like we are "okay". but the tree still has those roots. the roots that promise that come spring time it will bloom again.
i still have the roots inside of me that promise that i will make it through. and i pray that Jesus is the bird that you all see in me during this harsh cold winter.
-chelsea
Thursday, January 3, 2008
he used to be my sunshine... always making me smile when skies were grey...
i feel like i am losing another brother.
my relationship with jon is horrible... and it hurts so bad.
i am trying to be the mature one and respect his feelings but he keeps disrespecting me. he treats me like i am a little kid he would pick on at school.
he's a flippin bully.
i just want our relationship to be back to the way it was this summer.
its not just him annoying me. its deeper.
it hurts so bad.
just last night he was trying to start an arguement and i just kept asking him "why?" and "is this worth it?" and "whats wrong?" i finally gave up when he missed the option that the reason i was asking that was deeper than he thought. so i threw my toothbrush across the bathroom and it slammed against the shower really hard. and thankfully i didnt get in trouble.
but still i feel like i am losing a potential good relationship with jon. i am losing yet another brother, a friend.
i would think that we would have grown closer through everything we have been through together... i guess not.
my relationship with jon is horrible... and it hurts so bad.
i am trying to be the mature one and respect his feelings but he keeps disrespecting me. he treats me like i am a little kid he would pick on at school.
he's a flippin bully.
i just want our relationship to be back to the way it was this summer.
its not just him annoying me. its deeper.
it hurts so bad.
just last night he was trying to start an arguement and i just kept asking him "why?" and "is this worth it?" and "whats wrong?" i finally gave up when he missed the option that the reason i was asking that was deeper than he thought. so i threw my toothbrush across the bathroom and it slammed against the shower really hard. and thankfully i didnt get in trouble.
but still i feel like i am losing a potential good relationship with jon. i am losing yet another brother, a friend.
i would think that we would have grown closer through everything we have been through together... i guess not.
My Little Princess
Though she is more than 10 years younger than me she is one of the best friends I have. Yes, there are some that come close to her level of amazement but the unimaginable companionship I have with her is amazing.
My sister, now only 4 years old, is my life. From her birth I have always held a special bond with her. I enjoy each level of her life. From the first time she ate solid foods, till her first words and step, each stage of her young life was so important to me. My favorite thing about her is her laugh and smile. Just like Carter, when i pretend to eat her and bite her sides she laughs a laugh from deep down in her stomach. You can't help but laugh with her when she is laughing. And the cute things she says just make me laugh so hard. I love her! One time she asked a good friend of mine if she loved her. When the lady said yes, Hailey said "everybody does." Then last night when we were coming back home from California Hailey was so happy to see "her home". We were sitting at a stop light and she goes "momma! I found my home!" I look over at her and she was pointing at the 7 Eleven. Then as we rode past Walgreen's she practically screamed "WALGREENS!!!!" it was so cute and hilarious.
Ever since my brother died though, I have been terrified of what could happen to Hailey. I start crying thinking about it. I know this sounds bad, but I am closer to her than I was to carter. And I think I would be having an even harder time with the death if it had been Hailey. I think it's because I actually got the opportunity to get to know her and grow close to her. There have been times when I have felt like crap when she comforted me. Just her smile and her innocence is overwhelming, One time she sat and held my head in her lap in my bed when I just cried for awhile. Then she started whispering to me "it's ok. It's going to be ok." and it made me cry harder. just because of how much she means to me and how oblivious she is to the world and the trials it brings. It almost seems that her faith is stronger than mine. She has questions just like I do (maybe not at in-depth) but she just keeps going. Is Hailey an example of what Jesus meant when he said to have the faith of a child? To keep pressing on seems to be all she knows to do. But to feel pain and to cry seems to be all I know to do. Especially when I think about how my brother's death has affected my whole family. How this had affected me. I now have a deep fear instilled in me. I fear that God will take Hailey too. When she sleeps at night she looks so much like carter. And as detailed as it is, I don't mean when he was alive. The memories of his still deathly face flood back when I look at Hailey when her eyes are closed and she is laying still. Sometimes I shake her awake because I am so terrified. Other times I pick her up and lay her next to me in my bed where I hold her the remainder of the night. I just get so freaked out when I see her like that... I don't know what would happen to us as a family if she *gulp* died too. I don't know what would happen to me. I wish I could say that I think I would be strong like Job and bless God through my pain. But I don't think I would. I think I would hate him. And who is to say that God wouldn't do that to us? Who's to say that he won't allow another one of us to be taken too? He is God. And He is way more powerful than me. I can't keep any of us here. I am scared to trust that he will protect us because the last time I did that he still allowed Carter to die. But then again, I think all I have left to do is to trust him. I am just so confused...
All of that to say:
I need her smile.
I need her soft touch.
I need her laugh.
I need her perseverance.
I need her.
I need her more than she realizes. And I am scared of death.
I love Hailey so much.
I love my whole family so much. And I couldn't bear it if something else went wrong...
My sister, now only 4 years old, is my life. From her birth I have always held a special bond with her. I enjoy each level of her life. From the first time she ate solid foods, till her first words and step, each stage of her young life was so important to me. My favorite thing about her is her laugh and smile. Just like Carter, when i pretend to eat her and bite her sides she laughs a laugh from deep down in her stomach. You can't help but laugh with her when she is laughing. And the cute things she says just make me laugh so hard. I love her! One time she asked a good friend of mine if she loved her. When the lady said yes, Hailey said "everybody does." Then last night when we were coming back home from California Hailey was so happy to see "her home". We were sitting at a stop light and she goes "momma! I found my home!" I look over at her and she was pointing at the 7 Eleven. Then as we rode past Walgreen's she practically screamed "WALGREENS!!!!" it was so cute and hilarious.
Ever since my brother died though, I have been terrified of what could happen to Hailey. I start crying thinking about it. I know this sounds bad, but I am closer to her than I was to carter. And I think I would be having an even harder time with the death if it had been Hailey. I think it's because I actually got the opportunity to get to know her and grow close to her. There have been times when I have felt like crap when she comforted me. Just her smile and her innocence is overwhelming, One time she sat and held my head in her lap in my bed when I just cried for awhile. Then she started whispering to me "it's ok. It's going to be ok." and it made me cry harder. just because of how much she means to me and how oblivious she is to the world and the trials it brings. It almost seems that her faith is stronger than mine. She has questions just like I do (maybe not at in-depth) but she just keeps going. Is Hailey an example of what Jesus meant when he said to have the faith of a child? To keep pressing on seems to be all she knows to do. But to feel pain and to cry seems to be all I know to do. Especially when I think about how my brother's death has affected my whole family. How this had affected me. I now have a deep fear instilled in me. I fear that God will take Hailey too. When she sleeps at night she looks so much like carter. And as detailed as it is, I don't mean when he was alive. The memories of his still deathly face flood back when I look at Hailey when her eyes are closed and she is laying still. Sometimes I shake her awake because I am so terrified. Other times I pick her up and lay her next to me in my bed where I hold her the remainder of the night. I just get so freaked out when I see her like that... I don't know what would happen to us as a family if she *gulp* died too. I don't know what would happen to me. I wish I could say that I think I would be strong like Job and bless God through my pain. But I don't think I would. I think I would hate him. And who is to say that God wouldn't do that to us? Who's to say that he won't allow another one of us to be taken too? He is God. And He is way more powerful than me. I can't keep any of us here. I am scared to trust that he will protect us because the last time I did that he still allowed Carter to die. But then again, I think all I have left to do is to trust him. I am just so confused...
All of that to say:
I need her smile.
I need her soft touch.
I need her laugh.
I need her perseverance.
I need her.
I need her more than she realizes. And I am scared of death.
I love Hailey so much.
I love my whole family so much. And I couldn't bear it if something else went wrong...
My Dove
never did i know or truly understand what writers talked about when they expressed their pain and remorse over death until now. when edgar allan poe dictated to the world his sorrow over his lost love, lenore, he used a familiar object to represent something deeper than its outward appearance. his example was a raven.
with a screeching cry and a coat of feathers the deepest black, nothing better could express the feelings of death he had inside.
i now can say that i understand that deep depression into his heart.
a dove with its pure white feathers and graceful glide across the sky, it's far from the feelings i have been brought to feeling. throughout the Word of my Creator the dove is used to symbolize hope.
during the storm in the time of Noah, God sent a dove to bring the good news that there would eventually be dry land to walk across. During my storm (the life i live right now) i choose to let a white dove prance across my mind and glide gracefully through my heart.
A symbol of hope amidst the tremendous sorrow i have encountered.
I stab the raven knocking at my door with the sharpest dagger and i strangle it with the coarsest rope. i replace it with a single white dove.
Raven, no longer will you dictate to me how i live, and how i should act. the remorse of not knowing it was you knocking at the door of my heat was indeed traumatizing and frustrating, but you have not knocked hard enough to replace my mind. i rebuke you from entering my thoughts and i forbid you from entering my heart.
there is such a thing as light for it can only get brighter, but darkness will remain dark, not any darker, for eternity. if the dark is in the presence of light it is no longer dark. but dark, true darkness cannot get any darker and it cannot get any lighter without be considered light. Dark is only the absence of light. And we all know that the true Light and Life rose and tramples darkness beneath the earth.
Only Light shines. And Light defeats darkness.
My Dove soars high above the sky as white and light as snow.
with a screeching cry and a coat of feathers the deepest black, nothing better could express the feelings of death he had inside.
i now can say that i understand that deep depression into his heart.
a dove with its pure white feathers and graceful glide across the sky, it's far from the feelings i have been brought to feeling. throughout the Word of my Creator the dove is used to symbolize hope.
during the storm in the time of Noah, God sent a dove to bring the good news that there would eventually be dry land to walk across. During my storm (the life i live right now) i choose to let a white dove prance across my mind and glide gracefully through my heart.
A symbol of hope amidst the tremendous sorrow i have encountered.
I stab the raven knocking at my door with the sharpest dagger and i strangle it with the coarsest rope. i replace it with a single white dove.
Raven, no longer will you dictate to me how i live, and how i should act. the remorse of not knowing it was you knocking at the door of my heat was indeed traumatizing and frustrating, but you have not knocked hard enough to replace my mind. i rebuke you from entering my thoughts and i forbid you from entering my heart.
there is such a thing as light for it can only get brighter, but darkness will remain dark, not any darker, for eternity. if the dark is in the presence of light it is no longer dark. but dark, true darkness cannot get any darker and it cannot get any lighter without be considered light. Dark is only the absence of light. And we all know that the true Light and Life rose and tramples darkness beneath the earth.
Only Light shines. And Light defeats darkness.
My Dove soars high above the sky as white and light as snow.
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