--rambling--

i think there is a humongous blog coming soon...
there has been an incredible amount of stress the past couple of weeks. you could say that its not been the best experience.

i havent been writing nearly as much as i used to. i havent written in my journal since september 29. which, for me, is a LONG time. it had been 2 weeks since i had written before that. and the same with the time before that. it really sucks... i still love writing. but it almost seems that i have lost the motivation.

i did realize that when i stopped writing, i started to feel more confused about how i felt. i cant sort out my thoughts and i feel so unsure about what i do know.

there is a lot going on in my life right now... and i feel so so hurt by everything thats going on. but in moments like this, and seasons of craziness, i really want to trust God. i really want to believe that i dont have it so bad, and that God, above all else, is STILL IN CONTROL.

its so hard to trust Him... after everything that has happened in these short [but really long] 16 years, i dont want to have anything to do with Him. but because of what i know, i want to still hold onto Him, just like He is holding onto me.

ughhh this is all so hard.
i still dont know what to do about some issues... and i am relentlessly seeking for clarity from God in His reasons for allowing this all to happen. i am so tired of trying to hard to make this work... i wish that God could just be here in the way that i feel like i need Him to.

i dont like the feelings i get when i am alone... i know i am not, because God is so omnipresent. but i still feel so empty.... and i hate that. i wish i could make everything better. but this is all so out of my control. i hate feeling out of control of anything.

im holding on to the few things that i know...at least i am trying to, anyways. i dont have much hope in those, either. so many doubts... so little clarity and faith.

i want to run from this all... i want to take a long break. i want to start over and pretend that i never was apart of the life that is tearing me apart... but i dont know that i could be that heartless. i wish i never knew this pain... or the things that caused it. i cant run, but i cant stay here. im stuck =/ just like always.

life always hands me exactly the opposite than what i hope for.
but i will get into that later on...


-chelsea