to know Him intimately

i havent forgotten about my blog, it's just my heart has been in such an interesting state that i havent been able to sort out my thoughts... if i can't figure it out in my head, how am i supposed to make it come together on a blog??

i really think it might be time to terminate this whole blog thing anyways... i think i personally am too self centered with it, and i dont want to be too personal on here.

i am in a season where i am learning to be with God and share with Him my thoughts and desires... i dont want to talk ABOUT Him the way i have and not talk WITH Him in the same manner. the Lord is one by one turning the hearts of His people back to Him... however, the enemy continues to throw darts through the doors we have open to evil, and is only more threatened as the Kingdom of God prevails. i want to be stronger, and i want to defend the name of Christ... but how is one to do this if they don't know who they are defending. This is the season i am in... to know Jesus intimately and fall more in love with Him. i will know Him in a powerful way for myself.

"wow" seems to be a word that describes my life right now. i'm officially an adult now, but i dont feel like anything has changed. the only "priviledge" i feel like taking advantage of is getting my cartilage pierced... i dont want tatoos, i dont want to smoke, i dont want to go clubbing, i dont stay out after midnight, and i don't want to buy a Magic Bullet or the Topsy Turvy Tomato Tree or try Proactive for a 90 free trial plus shipping and handling because i fit the requirement to be"18 or older to call." maybe i'll get a lottery ticket to try once just for fun. ugh my manager at Texas Steakhouse doesn't even want me to move up to a waitressing position yet.

anyway. i am at Bethel College taking Old Testament Survey, English 101, Theology, Spiritual Formation, and Freshman Seminar. it's really hard so far... i'm not used to this. and i'm not quite catching on to Theology. but i'm learning a lot that's helping me in my spiritual walk as well, not just educational.

i love it.
agh im so distracted right now... im babysitting. and my throat hurts real bad ):
blahhhhh.
k g'night ♥

A Little Longer

WOW... today's been INSANE.
-sbx run before my classes from 9 AM to 6:30!
-lots of homework and a panera break in between.
-then my baby brother's birthday party.
-then a sbx run again (Iced Venti Black and White Marble Mocha- minus one shot, plus one pump).
-then LAUNDRY.
-then my kitty went missing and i was really scared....
-then I FOUND HER! then i cuddled with her and took care of her.
-and now i'm settling down.
-only to work DOUBLES tomorrow and thursday.

wowzers!! :O

geez, this week's been insane... i've been pushing myself too much... it's too hard.
work, school, friends and boyfriend if i have time, etc. it's insane.. im too tired.
i had a breakdown the other day. it just all finally overwhelmed me too much!
but then i remembered................................. God's peace cancels out anxiety. SO, i've been trying to put that truth into practice.

First off, i need to have some of that Mary-Diligence... like in the story of Mary and Martha. It's time to sit at His feet and just listen and learn and let those other things go for a minute. It's like that song by Brian and Jenn Johnson... It's called "A Little Longer." One part of the song is like God is speaking to us and He says "You don't have to do a thing. Just simply be with me and let those things go... They can wait another minute. Wait, this moment is too sweet, would you please stay here with Me? and love on me a little longer? I'd love to be with you a little longer... cause I'm in love with you..."

I think that's beautiful. So, that's my goal. To "let those things go"... and pray for supernatural energy to get those things done when it's time to. He gets my time first though. I just need prayer and motivation for that though... It's hard when I'm in the moment and have so much to do. But i love Him too much to not try.

♥

piece of heaven.

Part of me starts to hate death and what it did to my family, but i am in LOVE with a God who's ways and thoughts are HIGHER than my own. I will never understand His ways, but i am beyond thankful that i understand His love and mercy and ultimate provision over His children. Thank You for this blue clad, marble eyed little piece of Heaven... And thank You for his older brother you blessed us with♥

august 17.

it's been three years... todays the day.
i've made it through the whole day without thinking of it much.
i think it just hit me.
i watched some old videos and looked through some pictures of him a little bit ago.
im not in virginia with my family so it's been kind of weird... mom took hailey and silas to his grave earlier. seeing the pictures makes my stomach churn.
thank you, jesus for your grace and provision over my family and our hearts.
thank you for being near to me.
i miss my baby brother... i wish i could hold him sooo bad.
seeing the pictures of the kids at his grave breaks my heart... im reminded this is REAL. he really did live, and he really did die.
oh boy... it's still hard to wrap my mind around it.
how many stages of grief are there? and when will it really end?
and when will i let myself let go of the fear of death?
i had a dream last night that i was going to have a baby... but after the delivery they told me the baby had died. i guess i was waiting to find out if the child was a boy or girl, because in the dream i asked the nurse which one it was... and they told me it was a girl.
in the dream, i wailed and cried like i have never heard myself cry before- oh, my baby girl...

=/

=/

i wont lie- im sooo nervous about school starting here soon.
and im not even going away.

on the other hand, leaving for tennesee tomorrow is exciting... however, stress about school the second i get back is nervwrecking. i hope i get everything sorted out.

thats it for today.

-chelsea

ps. 3 more days =/

amor vincit omnia.

the sun in the sky has already set, but the glow in your eyes and the light of your smile is enough to brighten even a stormy night. the distance changes nothing, though i miss you... mountains and seas could be placed between us, but the memory of your warm arms, the memory of your soft hands, the memory of your sweet embrace in the sourest of life seasons- nothing could come between my heart and it's undying and unchanging love for you. mistakes will erupt, and tension will arise... but love conquers all. i will never let go, even if the rope is thin and my hope is shaken- my heart is bent towards you, broken and whole, hurting and healed. my heart is for you. the past casts no negativity, and present passes on future hope- as we learn and understand this beauty, this gift. i will always be loyal, faithful, and trustworthy, because you are mine. and i am yours. my allegiance is dedicated to you and i would never betray you. i am so full of love for you, i want to give you everything. you are my desire, my everything. "the best thing i could give you is YOURSELF. because i want to give you the world, but to me- you are the WORLD." my passion, my everything, my love... ♥

the plans that heaven had for you...

... would long too soon unfold.


i hate talking about this. i hate that im never going to be over it or that i think about it so much.
i dont know how to stop... i hear Silas crying in the room next to me, and all i can think about is Carter. and how much i miss him. and how hurt i am that he's gone.

i hate this cycle of remembering.
i remember too much, but too little.
and it breaks me apart.
im hurt and devestated for my parents... and i pray God never allows this to happen to me as a mother someday.
im hurt for Jon, who lost his first little brother... i remember seeing him the night that carter died... recalling that memory is heavy.
im hurt for my precious Hailey bug. my innocent little princess... exposed to loss so soon.
I JUST HATE THIS!!!
and all i can wonder is WHY?!!?!?!!?!?!?!

i want to forget about this so much. but i cant pretend he was never here... his life left such an impact. and im moved by it. broken, but moved nonetheless.
i guess im just still learning how to grieve...

update.

• i work 40 hours a week.
• i changed my mind one last time and am going to Bethel College through Bethel Temple.
• i am so tired.
• i am going to TN with jake to visit a church his former worship paster is at, where they have an internship he might be interested in doing in the winter possibly.
• we're gonna hit up nashville while we're there, and that makes me super excited.
• i miss hanging out with my friends a lot, but it seems im always at work. or my free time comes last minute when i find out the day before if im working or not, and its too late.
• my car keeps breaking. the seatbelt broke and i got a friend to fix that for free after i bought the BILLION dollar part. and now my door is broken. i cant get in or out... and i was supposed to get it inspected the day that it broke. im super happy about that........................ =/
• my little brother Jon is back in town from ROTC camp and i have to sleep in my room again, which isnt fun cause the temperature is not as comfortable... and neither is my bed.
  yea, that's it for now.
• i feel so busy, but all it is- is work.
• that's it for now, not a very lengthy or interesting list. just life. and it feels good for me to have it all spelled out and out right in front of me... it helps sort it out in my head, kinda.
• good night!! ♥

the greatest gift.

it is not bound by time and space.
it is not restricted to a warm embrace or "sloppy wet kiss."
it is not defined by a deed or a donation or a day sacrificed.
it is not just a one syllable word with varied meaning.
it's all of this and more. it's too great to explain.
it's not desire, it's not temporary...
it's not possible...

without our One True Love.

i love how beautiful it is, i'll always be overwhelmed by it.
i'll never get over how incredible and perfect it is.
i'll always hold onto it.
the way He shows it, the way i receive it, the way i give it, the way He perfects it...
it's active and NOW, but it's gentle and patient.
it provokes passion, but avoids rapid anger.
it is selfless.
it is honest.
it is loyal.
it avoids despair, and offers HOPE.
it stands when all else falls.
despite surrounding weakness, it is strong.
it never fails.

i'll never stop longing for more.
more to give, more to receive, more to experience...

"love is patient and kind. love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. it does not demand it's own way. it is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. it does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance..." 1 corinthians 13 ♥

i have the flu.

im #6 out of 6 family members to get it.
and it SUCKS!!!!!
reasons why this is one of the worst things ever:
- i know im gonna feel better in the morning like everyone else has, but im still gonna have to take off work a SECOND time this week and LOSE hours... and i reallllllyyyy cant afford to do that.
- isolation. i hate when no one can be around me and i have to lay there feeling terrible and BORED and no one to talk to or hold me.
- im a people person, so i've been around a couple people the last 24 hours. and those people are now subject to getting the flu. which is terrible... i would not wish this on anyone.
- i blame hailey. she had it first.
- feeling naseous makes me want to die. i've always hated it, and this is no exception.
- im sleepy, but too uncomfortable to sleep due to this whole SICK thing.
- i will be missing a mandatory meeting at county grill tomorrow, and a night shift at texas steakhouse.
- i already called in to county grill to tell them i wouldnt be going in on MONDAY because my mom was sick and i had taken her to the ER the night before, there was no way physically i could handle that as tired as i was. and now i have to call again... they already hate that i have another job. so me skipping out of 2/3 of my shifts this week at a job i just started LOOKS BAD.
- but i think the worst thing is, i just feel terrible.... i dont like this ONE BIT.

love is the arms that are holding me.

i cant stop crying...
im so overwhelmed by mercy and love.
it's one thing to talk about it.
but to be the "target" of these is so moving.
♥
i'm at a loss for words.
i just keep thinking "thank you...."
thank You, Jesus for YOUR love and mercy.
thank You, Jesus for teaching me how to love with YOUR love which allows mercy to fall into place perfectly.
thank You, Jesus for pulling me close relentlessly no matter how much i pull away.
thank You, Jesus for letting me love on You- even though no matter what i do will ever be "good enough."
and thank You, Jesus for teaching me how to apply YOUR love to my life.
i'm so overwhelmed by Your goodness.

saying "hello" to healing

3 years ago...
i was in california visiting my grandparents...
not knowing that in a little more than a month my life was gonna change completely.
august 17th is coming around... and it will be three years since Carter died.
am i really going to go through this every summer? and every april when his birthday was?
its the month or so leading up to "the day" that get me...
and i had a good 2 months in between april 28 and now to not think about it much.
it just hit me today.
like woah.
what was i doing at this moment three years ago?
i was in california.
having the best summer of my life...
what will i have been doing three years ago in a month and a half?
saying 'goodbye'...

woah.
i just heard the phrase "saying 'hello' to healing" in my head right after i typed that.
thats so true though...
carter's death gave me a valid reason to act out in depression and brokenness and pass it off as grief.
but i finally got to express what had been hurting me inside for so long. people surrounded me and reminded me of God's love, referring to His strength through the season of losing Carter. but all of their words spoke into my past hurt. i applied their encouragement to something they couldnt even see... so now, it's almost as his death brought me life... by killing my past...
that's so like Jesus.
like, not to be morbid... but the bones of the past are still there as a reminder- it hasnt completely disappeared. but they're only bones... i have new life now.
just like carter... oh, God... and almost like Jesus... except He didnt leave any bones. He was perfect.

Oh boy. hows that for some midnight revelation?

Jesus, i miss You...

i gots two jobs now. county grill & texas steakhouse.
as much as i thought i DID NOT like texas steakhouse... its weird to know that i really have come to love it. i think i realized how good i had it there the day i turned in my application for county grill. sad face.

anyways.

i miss soccer. and exercising. i think im gonna run down to a little beach thing this morning. get some energy out. exercising is good for people who have trouble sleeping... and i've had a lot of trouble sleeping lately. so im gonna do something bouts that (:

i wish i could navigate this post into something really deep and thought provoking.
maybe some Jesus time will give me some inspiration. i miss just spending hours on end with Him...
thats what im gonna do this morning i think. just completely soak myself in His presence. at the beach. good stuff... (:

catcha later<3

when i am afraid

i forgot about this song...

when i am afraid by laura hackett

"When I am afraid I will trust in You
When I’m overcome I will cling onto
The Rock that is higher
He’s higher
The Rock that is higher

When my enemy’s too strong for me
I don’t know how to fight the fear
That comes against my heart and mind
I call upon the name of Christ
He’s higher, He’s higher, the Rock, He is higher

When my enemy's surrounded me
He comes to steal my joy, my peace,
I let go of my reasoning
And fall upon the Rock that is higher
He’s higher, the Rock, He is higher

I will not build my life
Upon the passing sands
Of how I feel inside from one moment to the next
But I will love You, Lord
My Rock, my God, my Strength
A precious cornerstone the floods of death could never shake

Oh, for there is no peace of mind
Outside of Truth in Christ
For the fear is real, and its power can kill
But the stability of our times
The stability of our times
Will be THE ROCK THAT IS HIGHER"


_____________________

i think this is my life right now.
so many different things have taken place inside my mind as i've let myself become overwhelmed with the future and college decisions.
no matter how many people reminded me of God's sovereignty, and provision, and perfect plan- i still stressed myself out.
i was either so overwhelmed that it was all i could think about, or i separated myself from the whole thing completely and did everything i could to not think or worry about it. both things went downhill... i began to lose sight of what it means to live in PEACE as a child of God and i numbed myself to the decision making process so much that i was heading towards not making any decisions.

so many people told me what they thought i should do and promised me that i wouldnt regret it... but nothing seemed right to me. i know that i wouldnt regret half of the decisions i thought about making- but, just because it's good doesnt mean it's GOD. at this point, since i don't know where i am going or what i am doing... im just going to settle for a community college here and get my core classes out of the way. i cant go wrong doing that.

at least, that's my plan for now.
everything keeps changing...
it's so frustrating.
it's frustrating trying to put it together now in my head.
aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
im working two jobs now too to save for school and insurance and such.
and i dont like my manager at one of them...
but i'll suck it up.
that's life... you can't get everything you want.
it'll all work out somehow.

anyways...
im at home right now.
kinda upset cause todays my only day off for a long time now that im starting my second job...
and i really wanted to hang out with my friends.
but it seems to me that graduation meant the end of them.
i feel like im losing a lot of people now... but thats life too. and i'll be getting more people in my life! (:

now i feel as if i am rambling.
which i am.
but i felt as if it were time to post again.
adios.


-chelsea.

ps. i got a laptop for graduation!! (:
pps. on wednesday JACOB ANDREW DRYDEN and i will have been dating for 6 MONTHS♥ he's incredible.

I am forever YOURS.

"Love came down and rescued me, Love came down and set me free... I am YOURS, I am FOREVER YOURS! Mountain high, or valley low- I sing out, remind my soul: I AM YOURS, I AM FOREVER YOURS..."
___________________

God's love is ruining me all over again... His sweet, merciful, beautiful, FREEING LOVE. I love the words of this song, no matter if i'm experiencing one of those highs on life or a "valley low"... I am ALWAYS HIS. Because HE LOVES ME.
I don't ever want to forget that.
I feel like every aspect of His love hit me all at once this weekend.
Like experiencing HIS love, allowing myself to be loved by others, learning what it is to love humbly, understanding all the amazing things that accompany love... and why I am able to love like this and receive love in this way because of HIS LOVE.
It's crazy...
And, the more i love God, He gives more of His heart to me... It's like pieces of God's character start to take root in my heart and live out in me. That patience I ask for, the mercy I love to give and receive, the humility I need, the confidence I want, the peace I desire… All of this is given to me as I start to love the way He loves.
I think that's the only way to truly love.
I've known love to sometimes actually carry weight in my heart, like to where i could actually feel my chest hurting and heavy because love was so thick inside of me... but even that was only a brink of what He was trying to show me...
Love was never a word to me- it was something i cherished and believed was deep and passionate and intense.
But experiencing all of these different aspects of love and seeing how they are all linked to one another just WRECKED me.
I know i will never LOVE anyone or anything the same way.
I dont even know how to explain it... this realization just happened slowly. He kept showing me things and giving me examples of His love and speaking to me in ways that i understand, finally something so clear that i realized what He was trying to show me all along...
it's beautiful.
so perfect.
And to know that it all goes back to Jesus...
I don't know how i couldn't be moved by this.

♥

___________________

status addiction.

i challenged myself to not post facebook statuses for a little while... and i've gone a week.
i was getting addicted to it.
i just really like updating my status (:

it's been difficult... i really want to change it now.
i've had sooooo many opportunities!! so many status-worthy events have taken place... my last soccer game of my senior year... only 39 days left till graduation... i got accepted into bethel college... i worked a crazy mothers day shift last night... i had a good night with jake and got pizza and saw iron man 2 on saturday... loved the 10 minutes i got to see him between our mother's day lunch and my research paper... i finished my research paper 20 minutes before i had to be at work... meg brought me lunch today... the weather's cold... church was fun on sunday... etc etc etc. so many events i could stick in a status!! and a whole bunch of songs too...

aghhhh....
im gonna work on not posting as many when i start back up again.
i never really get on facebook online anymore so it's not a facebook problem. its having facebook mobile and being able to post statuses whenever i want with whatever i want to say. as long as it's under my phone's 140 character limit.

anywho.
adios.
<3

i feel inspired...

..............

fahskjflhsjdhf hkfhkf hdjfh9qru qoewu owieur nvaer pouwer hvhne power vbamdsnfer7 34w5 i34ow75 8 i8yt9w4u nf8w 98r kv fiau498j ijviaeu49tj 4tu ij 4t9 kjf it j349u70943859 hgfhdandv98q uiJK*W$U iji48u59ikjo IJRGK J99ioj j9459e4j irjg iarjt 934869 iu846t9 knjdakvn,mdsngfadfa'pfodfk j kjagk j jgfirkjf r irj jirgj oiar o rg ureoigt uiro goai gjoair gio jrgoirjg oir oiare joi aroregtuhgtiaer rae a rgreahrg r h ij airejt j kf aksjf lkdj fksejfkjkfjaskfjifej kjf kljewroiweu j kjfkalf 9o409r5 ijaf oijr kjoieast oierjti ru ij giajfkl ajoiew tieajf kjeajfoiaejrf kldjvlk aejfiljsdfijfsd oie idf jfds orajlkad idolk lklk gjlksjg lklk jk jalkd jalidfjoei48u6t oijie gjetoj kdsl kjalkef jlaejft o94850934i tkl rioqu34tjiaore iae tkje4tki uio jfvkl jdkj k dklf jkfdj lkadjflk jal jal lewr9w4r oiaurfk nvkl aiof joi oifjd lka fjklaj fl jdl vjadlfj alkfej lkesfj lkj lj l fljdflkje fjadoif je9rteijfdksafj lkdjf lkdjaf lk dj fk jlkdj fidj flkajd kl kljd fklajer9083w095iu4we09 9403 u940 yiu yiu yu yry t yi uiojfdmvnm,cxnboeir j j kj aklfjd aeruewr9 ui ji iarjt9 j9 waril jk liajerioj ri jiaj rij 35 uiji w43o9u4 ijl lkroiar t9k jkljcherlsdl alkjv jaj ch 3elsalk jl jc eoldf kja jidfjkchchlkellr qazsxedcrfvtgbyhnujm 8ujm iujkm ik t gb yh iuh uhj hj hj de tf gf gy gu h uhl hj hj h rttg bh gh ghb nbn bnb mb jhg hg gfgd f ds erw erw er io uie uoeiufoeiu r uoierqi ueroiu eruqepoiru eiur oqiewurqoiewuroiqewur oiur ioqur oiqwureoqwieuroqiewuroqiwuroqwuer oiquroiquoruqo eiruq opruqoi ewu uroiqew uroiqu eroique ropiuqoiwu erqoiweuroqi euroqiwer uoiqwu eriqu eoiquro e uroqierw kljdsflk ajdflk jadl;fkjwekrtje dhfjadf jkf j;ljdsf kjafkl jlkfjalkjf; aijewrij ekjf klajfdkl jdlkjd kljflkajdsf jsdk gth gr hjn re....

so yeah.
remember that, i might get it published someday.
-chelsea

aybendito...

right now, that translates to: "oh goodness"

_______________________

i have more time to blog at school than i do at home...
i think it's silly that i have to stay here after lunch if i dont have any real classes.
all i have is study halls now that our yearbook is finished.
so pretty much, i have government, marketing, honors english, and bible choir in the morning.
then i have lunch, yearbook (study hall), teacher's asst at our elementary school (i just grade papers and i dont HAVE to go everyday...), and study hall in the library. that's it...
so today, i went and slept all through 6th period cause i didnt have work to do this week for any teachers and then 20 minutes into study hall. it was nice.... (:

but yea. it's just ironic that i have more time at school for this than i do at home. and when im at home i'd rather be with my family since im not there much anymore with work and soccer and spending time with jacob and megan occassionally, but not often.

_______________________

on a new note, i've applied for Bethel College through Bethel Temple... and i think that might be what im gonna do this fall for real now. it's been frustrating not having an idea of what im doing... but i feel like this is right, and it's a good decision. i just need to work on saving up!! haha.

anywho....................
bell's about to ring.
and then i have a soccer game (:
which im nervous about. cause i hurt my ankle again twice yesterday and ended up staying out of most of the second half of the game. and im gonna attempt to play on it since i can walk fine today. howeverrrrr all it takes is for me to step on one patch of grass wrong and my ankle rolls and then im out... ): so hopefully that wont happen! im gonna try to be as careful as one can be on a field such as hampton christian's... ha.


_______________________

-chelsea

7 days...

aghhhhh.

7 days.... i miss carter.

But im thankful for what i have. and im thankful for Jesus' love through the last 2 and a half years or so... I'm thankful that Carter is with Jesus and im thankful that Silas gets to experience life too. They both got a chance (: and im surrendering all my fears of future loss to the cross, cause i know everything is in His hands. everything He allows is for a purpose and that purpose is "not for harm"... but it is good. His plans are good. haha maybe bitingly painful, but good.

"Don’t be afraid, I have rescued you. I have called you by name; now you belong to Me. When you cross deep rivers, I will be with you, and you won't drown. When you walk through the fire, you won't be burned or scorched by the flames. I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, the God who saves you. I gave up Egypt, Ethiopia, and the region of Seba in exchange for you. To Me, you are very dear, And I love you. That’s why I gave up nations and people to rescue you." (isaiah 43:1-4)

um. yes.

ummm. i've been bugged about my lack of blogging this past month............................... (*cough sarah mortazavi)............. but i really dont know what to talk about. i get bored with those oooo i want chick fil a and aghhh im on restriction posts. but yea.

bbutttttttttt yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

thats all i can think of at the moment. maybe posting this will give me a blog-itch and i'll start back up soon. i just dont have much time now with work and soccer and mr. jacob dryden (who is, by the way, perfect for me and absolutley incredible:)....... so yea.

thus ends another boring post...

i ramble at times.

i started work at texas steakhouse as a hostess.
and i really like it there.
and im really happy im un-grounded.
and i started soccer too.
and i love it...
however, i re-injured my ankle our first game on thursday.
and i couldnt walk very well and it hurt INSANELY the first day.
but today it feels a lot better.
hopefully i can play on monday.... and tuesday (:
so yea...
life seems so be in the upswing at the moment.
i like the upswings (:
it's springtime too, and its been very beautiful today... warm with a little bit of rain (:
spring is my favorite. i love the smell...
anywho.
just wanted to throw this blog in here before i get blog lazy again and dont post for a couple more months...
(:
though. im seriously not liking this pointless post. i really hate pointless annoying posts.
o well.



-chels

he would have been four...

for me, it's never been christmastime or the day of his birthday that got to me...
it's the random times in between that eat at me.
april 28 would have been the day he turned four.
he would be running around causing problems in the house... talking his head off.
he would be rough housing with jon and irritating hailey.
he would be saying my name.... trying to show me the newest and most exciting things he had learned about his little life.
he would be taking risks like jumping off the stairs and sprinting through the kitchen in socks to see how far he could slide....
he would.....
he would run into my arms and give me kisses...
he would be my little bear, my little prince.


im surprised at myself for how often i have been remembering him this year. i know healing is a long process, but this doesnt seem like something i should have to heal from. what happened to him happens everyday... and in circumstances so much worse than what he experienced. this stuff happens... it's all apart of God's purpose. and im okay with not knowing why He let this happen. but sometimes, i just simply miss him. i miss what i never really got to know. i never knew him. and thats whats killing me... i wish i had loved him more. i wish that i spent a couple more hours trying to get him to say my name just so that the way it sounded would still ring in my ear after he had long gone...

but i didnt...
in a situation like this, it's easy to feel that his death was a form of failure for me and my family. but i know it wasnt... we didnt fail. God didnt fail.
His purpose remains... His faithfulness remains. i just have to keep telling myself that.
what drives me crazy the most is that my "new" baby brother is here now... 6 months old. this "new" one wouldnt be here if the "old" one had lived.
i've never felt like loving anyone or anything was a challenge for me... i just love to love. but loving Silas hurts... im mad that he's here because i miss Carter so much. but i love him so much for his strength through all the complications surounding his birth. it reminds me of Carter's strength... i love him because he's my brother....
it's hard to play those "what if" games when it involves someone else's life... what if Carter had lived? Silas wouldnt be here. plain and simple.
but confusing still.


it hurts so much.
i wish i could just bring it up in conversation and talk about it with people... but it's such a hard topic to discuss. for me and whoever im talking with... unless they've experienced a death so close like this...

agh thinking about people who know how i feel hurts too...
im sad for them.
it makes me mad that they are hurting just like i am, but no one knows how to bring it up and talk about it. sometimes just telling yourself you're not alone isnt enough... i like it when someone who "gets me" randomly encourages me. i wish i knew more people that "get me" though... so i could encourage them too, and we could fight through this together...

anywho.
i feel like im complaining a lot...
and i sound really unthankful.
which im SO NOT.
oh geez, i have so much to be thankful for... so many people to be thankful for.
it's overwhelming thinking about how many people love and care and have been here to hold my family through everything we've gone through together.
we really are blessed...
God has been so faithful though all of this.

BUT I STILL REALLY MISS CARTER BEAR................. a lot ):
aghhh i just wanna hold him close again, blow little raspberries on his tummy, and attack his adorable face with millions of kisses.

do four year olds still like kisses and raspberries anyways?

okay, i'll stop here.
pray for me.... and i dont mean like "oh haha pray for me- im just saying that, i dont really mean it...." i mean really. this is a hard season. and i so long to feel peace about this all again.

-chelsea

carter harrison lane cameron.... april 28, 2006-august 17, 2007

what a caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly ♥

hey God...
it's pretty cool that You want me.
and love me.
and it's even cooler that You know im not good enough, but You still treat me like i am.
thanks for telling me that in the car today.
and thanks for holding off all that traffic on oyster point today until after i passed through.
i really appreciate that.
and thanks for the job.
You are the greatest... like for real.
You're so great, i wanted to make a blog for You so everyone else can be reminded of how great You are. cause You deserve it.
thanks for being in control of everything.
thanks for holding me through everything thats gone on the past 17.5 years.
and thank you for letting me go through it all. it's taken a lot to get to that point to thank you for all of that.
but i see Your point now.
a caterpillar doesn't become a butterfly in a day...
neither does a flower bloom from its seed in an instant...
it's all a process.
and im so thankful for the situations You allowed to take place in my life.
i really am grateful.
and im okay with not knowing completely why You did some things...
(not that You need me to be okay with them:)
im sure there will be more challenges soon.
but it's that struggle of the butterfly fighting its way out of the cocoon that makes its wings strong...
so take me through this metamorphosis.
how could i have asked You to mold me and expect You to just snap Your fingers and have it done?
You gave me opportunities to be molded... and i see it now.
good idea.
You're alright i guess.... :P
help me to be thankful in every circumstance... even as the circumstance is happening.
and help me to remember that i am worthy of receiving Your love... and loving You in return. i am good enough. i am good enough. i am good enough. You call me Your own. and You would never settle for less than pure and lovely. i am pure and lovely. because You say i am. i think i got it...
thanks for that.
anywho.
i love You... thanks for amazing me.
-Your Beloved

faith. faith. faith.

im still on restriction. and will be until the very second i start working at the job that i have to get. im really hoping for Outback. gotta go talk to them AGAIN tomorrow.... (: they seem hopeful. but im not getting my hopes up too much.

anywho.

geez, 2010 has been CRAZY so far. i have never had such a wide array of emotions. like i'm in the most amazing relationship and am incredibly happy and content. everythings perfect (: but the past two weeks i guess, have been INSANELY difficult. i've never WANTED to give up as much as i have wanted to the past couple of days.

then i kind of got this huge check inside my heart and God just blew me away... it was one of those instant "oh my gosh" moments. so now i'm just working on reminding myself of who i am IN CHRIST and walking in freedom. it takes a whole bunch of faith to do that, though. and that's what He's been reiterating to me. FAITH FAITH FAITH. i definitely have NOT been applying it. i realized that i never looked at faith as something that i had to have personally. but something that Christians just needed and naturally had as it's apart of being a Christian. it didn't quite click with me ever that FAITH was something that was necessary for me to APPLY to my own life. i just never thought about it... so applying this whole "faith business" to all the crappy stuff going on in life right now, really sheds a beautiful light on my future. and even the present. i still HATE what im going through, but i realize that my own lack of faith has driven me to this point. so by rebuilding this and several other beautiful gifts that God has given (hope, love, submission, perseverance, etc), i feel like i can conquer this battle. knowing that when i am afraid, i can trust in a Man that will never break my heart, never leave me. i love it... i know He has purpose for my life. i know that He loves me. i know that i can expect GOOD things to come because of the HOPE given to all Christians. it's beautiful...

anyways. it's easier to "know" all of this.... i wish i could feel it. i know God is not a feeling and that's the whole point of faith. but it makes it so stinkin hard! i can only imagine the future glory of this all... having not just pushed through battles barely making it, but fighting with a supernatural strength with weapons incomparable to those of the world... all i can think about is how amazing that will be. how far that will take me spiritually....

mmm i want to be so close to God's heart. just to be in His presence is simply overwhelming... but to be so close to Him--- i cant imagine what that must feel like. i know that when im singing in worship i taste a bit of this "closeness"... haha we're flippin JOINING WITH THE ANGELS who are singing praises to Jesus right now in Heaven when we sing in worship and praise to Him. geez.... just thinking about what it is to sing with the angels.... it's intense. God is intense... there's nothing plain and simple about Him. He's so outrageous. and beautiful... i just can't wrap my mind around it!! haha, i could go on forever about this. i feel like just proclaiming all of this right now is taking me somewhere on this journey that adds to beauty of the whole thing.

i guess i'll stop now... i wonder if God's laughing at me right now. i wonder if He thinks im silly... (: haha. oh to know the mind of God... haha. [[wouldnt that be crazy!? i dont think i necessarily want to know His mind... i couldnt handle it!!]]

anywho. im babysitting. and im hearing things upstairs that im not supposed to be hearing...

i should probably go pay a bit of mind to the children (:

-chelsea

ps. theres the guys named Tim and Josh who are apart of this AMAZING band called

M.Fillmore!! anddddd they just got a new album out and Josh was asking me to help spread the word. so be sure to check out "Relentless" on Facebook/Myspace (:

http://www.facebook.com/mfillmoreband

http://www.myspace.com/mfillmoreband

"restriction"...

im on restriction. an hour a day to talk on the phone, text, watch tv, OR use the internet. of course im going to talk on the phone... today doesnt count because the person i would be talking to on the phone may or may not be working. so im using internet time.

so i owe all of this to my grades... there are a lot more consequences i wont mention, but having this hour is definitely grace. im getting a job soon too... i just dont know where. im open to suggestions. im not gonna ask for you to give me suggestions, because you probably wont. and i actually dont really think anybody but Jacob Ray and Jake Holland read my blogs- and i dont think they read everything anyways haha. who would though? (btw, can you tag people in blogs?) but back to the point. i need a job!

okay change of subject. haha.
i got on facebook today after not being on since like sunday or monday. and i had 44 notifications. which isnt actually that many. i havent been posting statuses or wallposts for people to comment back on to give me notifications... so i guess they kinda die out as time passes. needless to say, i get all my stuff sent to my phone anyways. so i kinda saw most of the notifications anyways. but since i couldnt text... i had a lot of "liking" and "become a fan"ing to do! (:

okay. peace. who knows when i'll be back....

ugh this is crazy!

oh geez...

carter harrison lane cameron.

april 28, 2006- august 17, 2007

sometimes. i just miss my baby brother.... a lot.

there are some days, some weeks at times, where it just hurts so much.

i cant even move past the thought of "oh my gosh, he's gone..."

it's really insane.

every day on the way to school, i drive past the cemetery where he was buried. and every single time i think about it. some days i just notice the grave for a second. and then other days i just want to turn around and go sit next to where we buried him. but i dont... i havent been in a year. and when i went last time, i told myself i would never ever go back there again.

but driving past and thinking about it is killing me. i might just go anyways and see what happens. maybe just sit down on the ground and journal some or whatever. i dont know...

okay. and this is random. but.... im getting really frustrated right now.

i keep getting texts or annoying facebook chats from people when im trying to blog... i can fix the facebook thing, but im babysitting and cant really just turn the phone off. and i dont have service either. so i have to go stand in a weird spot in order to respond and just wait for it to go through. and then by the time i sit back down at the computer and get focused i hear it vibrate across the room... im just not gonna respond anymore. uggghhh... so anyways.

back to the point of this.

ughhh i dont even know! im just so confused and annoyed and blah!

i want my baby brother back BIG TIME. but at the same time, my life would be so different if he were here. it's driving me crazy. i dont desire to know the purpose or the "why?!" of his death or the circumstances surrounding it, but i do desire to know when the pain and the "woah-ness" and the tight feeling inside of my chest is going to go away. im sitting here trying to wrap my mind around the fact that CARTER IS GONE. FOREVER. and it's driving me crazy.

God is a good God and i am NOT angry at Him for this. just like the season of winter, that hard season of my life does not exist just so that i can look forward to "spring"... there is a reason i was brought into this place. that my family was brought here... all i know now is that if i didnt know what it was to be held by so many loved ones both literally and figuratively, i definitely know now. being wrapped in the arms of not only my wonderful friends and family, but my Jesus has been my ROCK in this storm. i can't give up and let myself fall just because my mind cannot comprehend the ways of God... i just can't.

this is pain.

this is stress.

this is confusing.

this is at times, agony.

but this is healing.

and that applies to more than the topic of this post.

you can't just cover up a wound with a band-aid and expect it to heal immediately.

it takes TIME. and it takes WORK.

healing STINGS. it BURNS. it SCARS.

but i refuse to become infected...

i am healed by His stripes.

and i know that His thoughts are not my thoughts, nor are His ways my ways.

i dont know why He's letting this happen... but it's going to be good.

its going to be really good....

-chelsea

Praise You in the Storm

i heard this in the car, and did everything i could not to cry in front of my little sister and brother. it was intense... these lyrics... are like. WOAH.
i really have no words to explain how overwhelming this song is right now... oh, thank Jesus for the HOPE He's given. i love it.
i will wait expectantly for another rainbow at the end of this storm (:
God, please take away everything that HINDERS LOVE. that HINDERS HOPE. keep showing me WHO YOU ARE...
regardless, i'll keep praising You!!

"I was sure by now
God you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you” [[this part made my heart freak out...]]
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth"

tell me this isn't intense...
-chelsea

i might be a little bit hungry. or a lot, actually.

cfa=♥

im babysitting right now. it's 8:31 PM.
and im probably not leaving till around 10ish. maybe 10:30.

and cfa closes at 10 PM.
*sad face*

i guess i'll have to wait till tomorrow?

that doesn't solve my current hunger problem, however.

can i wait two hours?

we shall see...

-chelsea

the enchilada of my mind.

"A true friend is one who thinks you are a good egg even if you are half-cracked." -Author Unknown.
____________________________________

this is the girl i was trapped with all weekend because of the snow storm.
her name is Megan Brown and she is my best friend.
and i love her so much.
____________________________________

i really want to blog. but i'm not really sure what to say. the past several days have been very busy... every time i sat down to blog and knew what i was going to say, i would be interrupted by some sort of call: by phone, by chores, by Megan Louise Brown, by snow, by exhaustion, etc. it's okay though... i love being busy. and i hate being bored more than anything.

anywho.

we've been learning about figurative language in my English class at school. there are three types:

1. metaphor- an implied comparison
   
2. simile- a comparison using "like" or "as"
   
3. personification- giving human characteristics inhuman objects or ideas

and then there's the analogy.
the analogy is an extended comparison with at least three points of similarity between two objects.

all of that to say, i have come up with an analogy of my mind that is being compared to....

an enchilada.

[[a chicken enchilada actually. because chicken is my favorite meat. though, ground beef will do, too. but chicken is the best... especially from chick fil a. but that's beside the point...]]

my three points of similarity:

1. Just as an enchilada is filled with many different elements, so my mind is filled to capacity with a "cornucopia" of thoughts. (i have always wanted to use that word in a blog...)
2. An enchilada is never just good by itself... to me at least. It needs sour cream on the top. and maybe some chopped onions. In the same way, my brain.... actually, i cant think of how to compare the necessity of sour cream and onions on an enchilada to my mind. so... skip that one.
3. I cant think of a third point of similarity... fail.

Okay so, my analogy severely lacks all points of similarity. But i think it's still a good comparison. The intent of that was just a creative way of sharing that...

... there is SO much on my mind!!

see, normal people just tell you that. but. i didnt want to be just a normal person.

anywho. it's true though, i've got my future school decisions bugging me. actually i've got my future bugging me period. i have to get a job that fits around my soccer schedule... which is kind of hard. cause i have practice every day except wednesdays and weekends. and i dont really want to just work on wednesdays and weekends. and i feel like chick fil a would be the best bet for working a schedule like that. except that i couldnt work on sunday. and i dont even want to work at cfa. idk, though. it's not like i dont go there every day anyways... ugh.

annoying decisions.

i'm also thinking about people i miss a lot.
(*cough* Michelle Malpaya & Joni Duerme....)
sometimes i wish that God wouldnt place amazing people in my life. cause it's so easy to love amazing people. and then the amazing people have to go on with their lives: go back to school, move to other states, or other countries. i wouldn't have a problem with this if keeping in touch was easier. even with facebook, it's not easy.

but yeah.
there's another 4,566,348,340 miles of thoughts stretching around my mind, but i wont get into that now i guess.
especially cause i have to get off now.
my momma has to do bills on the computer.

so. there goes another pointless blog...
i guess one cant completely avoid them.
i dont really have many deep thoughts running about as of this moment to put together an intense thought provoking blog.


-chelsea

my soul longs for You, nothing else will do

my soul longs for You...
i want to rest in You- fall asleep to things of the world.
rest in You, give You everything.
but when i awake, it's not like a literal escaping sleep when i wake up and find my troubles still lurking and painful right in front of me.
when i rest in You, You carry my burdens. You give me peace. You lavish Your love over me. You wash my tired feet from walking in this desert for so long.
i just want to close my eyes and see Your face-
feel Your heart beat calmly and peacefully against mine, racing with fear.
feel Your safe, warm, protective hands enclose themselves over mine, cold and trembling.
hear You whisper to me that i will not drown in these rivers of difficulty. nor burn in these flames.

i love You. and i know You love me... why cant it be that simple? why does my heart make it complicated?

i need more passion.
more passion for You. i have to stop talking about You like You dont live inside me.
even as i say this, i feel so far away. but close at the same time, all You ask is that i love You and give You my heart. so here's my heart... this is what i feel. this is what i think about all day. how i long for You... i want more. i need more of You... "living Breath of Life, come and fill me up" ... nothing else will do.