the plans that heaven had for you...

... would long too soon unfold.


i hate talking about this. i hate that im never going to be over it or that i think about it so much.
i dont know how to stop... i hear Silas crying in the room next to me, and all i can think about is Carter. and how much i miss him. and how hurt i am that he's gone.

i hate this cycle of remembering.
i remember too much, but too little.
and it breaks me apart.
im hurt and devestated for my parents... and i pray God never allows this to happen to me as a mother someday.
im hurt for Jon, who lost his first little brother... i remember seeing him the night that carter died... recalling that memory is heavy.
im hurt for my precious Hailey bug. my innocent little princess... exposed to loss so soon.
I JUST HATE THIS!!!
and all i can wonder is WHY?!!?!?!!?!?!?!

i want to forget about this so much. but i cant pretend he was never here... his life left such an impact. and im moved by it. broken, but moved nonetheless.
i guess im just still learning how to grieve...