august 17.

it's been three years... todays the day.
i've made it through the whole day without thinking of it much.
i think it just hit me.
i watched some old videos and looked through some pictures of him a little bit ago.
im not in virginia with my family so it's been kind of weird... mom took hailey and silas to his grave earlier. seeing the pictures makes my stomach churn.
thank you, jesus for your grace and provision over my family and our hearts.
thank you for being near to me.
i miss my baby brother... i wish i could hold him sooo bad.
seeing the pictures of the kids at his grave breaks my heart... im reminded this is REAL. he really did live, and he really did die.
oh boy... it's still hard to wrap my mind around it.
how many stages of grief are there? and when will it really end?
and when will i let myself let go of the fear of death?
i had a dream last night that i was going to have a baby... but after the delivery they told me the baby had died. i guess i was waiting to find out if the child was a boy or girl, because in the dream i asked the nurse which one it was... and they told me it was a girl.
in the dream, i wailed and cried like i have never heard myself cry before- oh, my baby girl...

=/