reminiscing

12 days.
only 12 days until my brothers death anniversary.
i miss him so much.
i just wanna hold him again. i want to embrace his tiny little body and carry him on my hip and make him laugh and see his smile.
i miss him more than i can articulate.

i cant stop thinking about him and that whole week that he died...
i remember i was babysitting for a friend from like 9-3 or something. and i woke up and got dressed the day that he died and came downstairs. i sat there on the living room carpet and played with my brother and sister until it was time for my mom to take me. the carpet that he played on isnt even there anymore. my mom was standing in the kitchen telling me that i needed to wash my hands alot and be really careful to not get the little boy i was watching sick. carter had been throwing up and had a small fever i think it was. so she wanted me to be safe.

so i get to the house i am supposed to be babysitting at and say goodbye to my mom, sister, and carter. no kisses or hugs or anything... just a goodbye by word of mouth.

i dont remember anything much after that until i got a phone call from the child's mom asking if my mom called me yet. i answered that she hadnt and the lady told me that my mom was taking carter to the hospital and that my mom requested that i not go anywhere with my friends that day. i had planned to go see a movie with my friend... the lady told me that i shouldnt call my mom right away but to wait for her to call me. but um... hearing that my brother was going to the hospital, you know, made me a little freaked out. so i called her, of course. and when my mom answered i heard the sirens in the background. and my mom's frantic voice.

i didnt babysit the next day like i planned to. i was supposed to be watching the little boy wednesday-friday. i got the call on thursday...
on friday my grandma came to stay with us. i didnt want to be at the house though.
i was scared of what was going to happen, i wanted to see carter.
but a really good friend (mary dawn) came over and took me out for the day. we went to her mom's house, to target and ate lunchables in the parking lot on her car, we went to toys r us (so she could look at baby stuff for her unborn baby girl), and then we went to the movies. while we were in toys r us we ran into a few friends from church who i stood and talked to for a bit while mary dawn took a phone call outside. during that phone call, and im assuming a few others, she was given instructions to keep me busy for the day apparently. so a movie was the best choice to pass the time. i was a little confused cause she said earlier that a movie was too much $$ for the afternoon, but then she changed her mind like suddenly. but i totally didnt even think about it anymore till later that night. after the movie we went over to another church friends' (the nipps) house. and they were watching high school musical 2 or something.

i really wanted to leave... but we were supposed to ask my brother something or something like that. i wasnt really sure. anyways...
we ended up staying a little longer and while me and mary dawn were playing Guess Who?, my parents walked into their house... followed by my pastor and his wife.

i hugged my parents and stuff, but it all happened so fast that i didnt think to ask why they were there. they immediately walked into a back room of the house with my brother and stuff, so i followed. they sat us down on a couch and shut the door. it was just me, my brother jon, my mom, my dad, and our pastor and his wife. hailey was at my grandma's house where neither of them knew what was going on.

my dad knelt down in front of me, jon, and my mom. and told us that carter had been very sick... and the doctors did all they could.... but he died. i was just, like, woah. after he said that he was sick, i figured they were gonna tell us that he had some type of terminal illness that couldnt be cured or something. but when he said that i was like, what?!!?

my first thoughts were that life was going to be so different.
but i tried to run from that.
while mr. tombley (our pastor) talked to us about carter i barely listened. i couldn't.
he asked us if there was anything we wanted to say. and of course, i rambled on what was in my head. i said i didnt want to go to my mom's house that weekend, and that i still wanted to go to my best friend [julia]'s birthday party. and that i didnt want life to be any different. i wanted to keep going.

i didnt even cry.
i felt sick that whole time. like i was going to throw up.
i remember mrs. tombley leaving the room to go get us some water.
i remember my brother crying.
i remember me wanting to storm out of there.
when we finally moved i think i was the first one out.
i found mary dawn who hugged me. then i cried for the first time.
i told her i still wanted to stay at her house that night... there was no way i was staying at home.
when i walked into my house to get my stuff, like everyone from our church was in my living room. they were standing on the edges of the room with sad faces on. i remember feeling, like, awkward, cause it was like quiet when i walked in. i thought i was the first one from my family to arrive. my parents had gone to my grandma's house with our pastor to tell hailey and my grandma about carter. i figured out a little while later that jon was actually home. someone told me he was in his room and chris carter, our worship pastor, was trying to talk to jon. i walked in and chris was sitting on jon's bed, and jon was sitting underneath a pool table propped up against the wall like a tent. i asked chris how he was doing i think and then i climbed underneath the pool table with him. he was holding his baby blanket that he has kept for so long, and carter's baby blanket. i hugged him. and we both cried. he told me some of his heart breaking thoughts... and i felt so small and without control. i hated it.

i took the liberty to get on my parents computer and get online to ask one of my friends bethany to stay the night with me and mary dawn's. while i was talking to her, my mom came home. and seeing her like she was, i didnt know what to do. i think i could have handled it if there werent so many people there, but everything was a blur and i couldnt think straight. so we left.

mary dawn took me to her apartment where her husband adam and i went to pick up bethany. thats pretty much all i remember.
the next few days of me calling friends to tell them the news was all a blur. i stayed up late every night cause i couldnt sleep. the first night alone was the night before his funeral. i had stayed at mary dawn's apartment, my house with friends, and julia's house. i think i stayed at MD's apartment a few times.

then there was the funeral.
i wish i had paid attention to the service because i heard it was really good.
but i could not stop thinking about what i saw in that room where we said good bye to carter... i remember everything. the people, the sobbing, my sister's questions, my brother talking to one of my grandmothers, my aunt leaving the room, my other aunt crying... my mom and dad. looking at their son laying in a casket.
that was the first day i really really cried. i had teared up and sobbed before. but never at the same time. mostly i was angry and i threw temper tantrums when i was alone. then we watched a presentation that my dad made of carter... beginning with my mom dancing with carter and singing along to a foreshadowing song (Find Your Wings by Mark Harris). i saw one picture of me and him together... and i was full of regrets. i wish i could have been in more pictures with him like i am in a billion with my sister hailey.

so many thoughts were going through my head that day.
it was insane.
and i left out many details too.


i just cant stop thinking about him.
and that whole time period.
i wish we could just skip over these next few weeks... i dont want to remember anything more.
its just too much.
and it hurts incredibly.

i remember the morning he died, i posted a blog saying at the very end:

"So God, take control.... hold this whole ordeal in your hands. Help me to trust you. Show me i can trust you!!"

i trusted Him.
now what exactly does trusting mean?