a psalm followed by a thought or two

Psalm 139--- and MY responses

1 O LORD, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
-Even my deepest pain
2 You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I'm far away.
-You know that I didn’t stand to receive my pastor’s blessing on the congregation because I thought I wasn’t worth it. You know that I feel right now even though I am far from you… I have drifted so much.
3 You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.
-You watch my steps every time I leave my house. And you watch me when I am at home. You see me lie awake at night begging for something to numb my existing pain…
4 You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, LORD.
-it hurts me to think of your thoughts when you heard my words today. And it hurts me more that I don’t trust you to help me change….
5 You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.
-But God, I know that you are in front and behind me, but where are you on my left and my right sides? And why do you say that you will place the blessings on my head? Why not in my hands directly? Are you trying to say that I need to work harder to reach something higher?
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!
-this is hard for me to admit, but I honestly don’t understand you God. I hate not knowing your will.
7 I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!
-This is kind of annoying… but I like it too. It keeps me from not only physical harm, but emotional and spiritual harm too. You keep me in line…
8 If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave,* you are there.
-you will follow me to the grave? I don’t understand…
9/10 If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.
-No matter how far away from HOME (spiritual/physical) you will guide me and keep me standing up.
11/12 I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night—but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you.
-Even though I try to hide my feelings in the dark, to you they shine brighter than day.
13/14 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
-You made me. I was not a product of man and neither shall I become a product of man and the world in which we live. I am a product of you and my present goal is to act like it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
-You watched as the most vital parts of my body were being formed from nothing…
16 You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.
-You planned every single day of my life, but that still makes me wonder… if you know whats gonna happen then why should I pray about it? You already know….
17 How precious are your thoughts about me,* O God.
They cannot be numbered!
-HAHA you think I’M precious?!
18 I can't even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
you are still with me!
-God, Day by day, night by night… I am in awe of YOUR perseverance. If I were God I would be so sick of me. My own creation disgracing my name every seconds by numerous acts of distrust and lack of faith… I would hate me if I were you.
19 O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!
Get out of my life, you murderers!
-Emotional murderers…. Those who have hurt me DON’T have the power to still control me. I refuse to let their words and actions kill my spirit.
20 They blaspheme you;
your enemies misuse your name.
-i am not sure how to respond to this… I misuse your name, God. I deserve the worst…
21/22 O LORD, shouldn't I hate those who hate you?
Shouldn't I despise those who oppose you?
Yes, I hate them with total hatred,
for your enemies are my enemies.
-I don’t know what to say to this either… I thought you said to love our enemies. Even you love them But why does this say to hate them?
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
-I don’t know if I want to be tested anymore. Cant you wait until I am strong again? Your last test is still wearing me out.
24 Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.
-I already know what you are pointing out in me that offends You.
I want to change from that. Right now its like I am trying to walk down both paths.. one to righteousness… one to destruction. But the farther I get down each the farther my feet are being torn apart-and God, I suck at the splits. Soon, im gonna fall. Push me back over to the right side….