he would have been four...

for me, it's never been christmastime or the day of his birthday that got to me...
it's the random times in between that eat at me.
april 28 would have been the day he turned four.
he would be running around causing problems in the house... talking his head off.
he would be rough housing with jon and irritating hailey.
he would be saying my name.... trying to show me the newest and most exciting things he had learned about his little life.
he would be taking risks like jumping off the stairs and sprinting through the kitchen in socks to see how far he could slide....
he would.....
he would run into my arms and give me kisses...
he would be my little bear, my little prince.


im surprised at myself for how often i have been remembering him this year. i know healing is a long process, but this doesnt seem like something i should have to heal from. what happened to him happens everyday... and in circumstances so much worse than what he experienced. this stuff happens... it's all apart of God's purpose. and im okay with not knowing why He let this happen. but sometimes, i just simply miss him. i miss what i never really got to know. i never knew him. and thats whats killing me... i wish i had loved him more. i wish that i spent a couple more hours trying to get him to say my name just so that the way it sounded would still ring in my ear after he had long gone...

but i didnt...
in a situation like this, it's easy to feel that his death was a form of failure for me and my family. but i know it wasnt... we didnt fail. God didnt fail.
His purpose remains... His faithfulness remains. i just have to keep telling myself that.
what drives me crazy the most is that my "new" baby brother is here now... 6 months old. this "new" one wouldnt be here if the "old" one had lived.
i've never felt like loving anyone or anything was a challenge for me... i just love to love. but loving Silas hurts... im mad that he's here because i miss Carter so much. but i love him so much for his strength through all the complications surounding his birth. it reminds me of Carter's strength... i love him because he's my brother....
it's hard to play those "what if" games when it involves someone else's life... what if Carter had lived? Silas wouldnt be here. plain and simple.
but confusing still.


it hurts so much.
i wish i could just bring it up in conversation and talk about it with people... but it's such a hard topic to discuss. for me and whoever im talking with... unless they've experienced a death so close like this...

agh thinking about people who know how i feel hurts too...
im sad for them.
it makes me mad that they are hurting just like i am, but no one knows how to bring it up and talk about it. sometimes just telling yourself you're not alone isnt enough... i like it when someone who "gets me" randomly encourages me. i wish i knew more people that "get me" though... so i could encourage them too, and we could fight through this together...

anywho.
i feel like im complaining a lot...
and i sound really unthankful.
which im SO NOT.
oh geez, i have so much to be thankful for... so many people to be thankful for.
it's overwhelming thinking about how many people love and care and have been here to hold my family through everything we've gone through together.
we really are blessed...
God has been so faithful though all of this.

BUT I STILL REALLY MISS CARTER BEAR................. a lot ):
aghhh i just wanna hold him close again, blow little raspberries on his tummy, and attack his adorable face with millions of kisses.

do four year olds still like kisses and raspberries anyways?

okay, i'll stop here.
pray for me.... and i dont mean like "oh haha pray for me- im just saying that, i dont really mean it...." i mean really. this is a hard season. and i so long to feel peace about this all again.

-chelsea

carter harrison lane cameron.... april 28, 2006-august 17, 2007