miracles.

God has so many wonderful attributes that AMAZE me. In almost every season of life, a different aspect of God's character stands out to me- and that quality completely captivates me. Constantly, it seems that circumstances around me reflect that attribute of God and blow my mind! I remember last year, i was fascinated by the love of God FOR ME for the longest time. I was so overwhelmed by how real His love is. Another time, i became excited over the idea that we are sons and daughters of God adopted into His family as poor and orphaned slaves. Time and time again, i find the characteristics of Abba so beautiful and absolutely overwhelming. His providence, His peace, His healing nature of spiritual brokenness, His joy, His PATIENCE (patience was a hard road...), etc.



Now my fascination is in miracles.

Today specifically, I woke up dreading my day. I felt like today was going to be terrible. I had want of things i didn't need, and worried about how i was going to get the things i did need. But God provided for me- little life "truffles" that don't seem to hold much significance, but carry sweet delight. He gave me things I didn't deserve, and spoke to me through the words of other people (and my own) and His own Word. Things seemed to work out perfectly today. Even when my heart was pounding hard, and my hands were shaking, my Abba showed how much He cared for me, his daughter. After each "truffle", i thought to myself: that was a miracle.



Maybe i am strung out on the idea of miracles because I am begging that my brother Silas is ultimately spared and brought completely back to health. Even so, believing in this miracle for him has shown me how God is working miracles every moment. Today is the fourth Tuesday that Silas has spent at the children's hospital in the ICU. Every day that he fights is a miracle. Every day of the last three weeks has been A MIRACLE. even when my mind is screaming for my heart to become hardened to believing, everything else inside me says "keep the faith."



when Silas was born, i knew that my heart was taking a risk in loving him with everything. Carter had DIED, and a piece of my heart was crushed. he was my family... a piece of my family that i loved so dearly. how could i knowingly allow my heart to be crushed again. but one look into Silas' beautiful blue marbled eyes had me risking everything. i am SO proud of him, i love him so much. I love chasing him around the house, and cuddling with him, and making him smile, and trying to get him to say my name, and teaching him how to make silly noises, and sneaking him "gok gok" (chocolate)... most of all, just holding him close to me. savoring his sweetness, desperately trying to hold onto every smell and every touch in fear that i could lose him. it wasn’t healthy, me living in fear. but i feel like that was the hardest part of my grief with Carter's death- fear. i couldn't remember his touch, his smell, his smile, his laugh, his cry...so i was terrified i wouldn’t remember Silas. but every moment i spent with Silas was a joy, and it made my heart so full. i felt so light and happy being around him. Lord, please, take away my fear of losing him, and let me believe FULLY in a miracle.



i will bless God no matter what happens. whether Silas fights through this, whether the Lord welcomes him in His arms, whether He allows Silas to stay here with life-long issues. God is good, and HE IS SOVEREIGN (side note: i think God's sovereignty might be my new God-attribute to focus on ♥), He is Holy, He is unchanging. He is the God who delivered Noah and his family from destruction, the God who delivered Joseph from the evil plan of his brothers into forgiveness and prosperity, the God who delivered Daniel from being devoured by lions, the God who held true to His covenant to Adam and Eve, to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob and the rest of the house of Israel, the God who redeemed Moses from the reeds, and Israel from Egypt- to name just a few. His promises don't change. Because of His great love. I will believe, even when I am overwhelmed by the valleys... God CAN heal Silas, but He doesn’t have to. because of losing Carter i will not tell the world that i believe wholeheartedly that He will heal Si on this earth. but i DO believe He can and i will worship and praise Him whatever happens :)



AMEN